Tuesday, March 3, 2015

We Wean

My Iris weaned. She self-weaned a week short of her first birthday. Her birthday is on Sunday I am fine. Am I fine? I will never nurse a baby ever again. That's fine. Is it fine? Our relationship is already changing. I think for the better. Now we can sit in proximity to each other without her arching for milk. We actually look at each other more! It's great. Is it great? I wanted to do something spiritual to mark this transition. Is writing this post the thing? Hey World, for the past seven years I've been pregnant and breast feeding and now it's all over. Is it all over? Yes, it's all over. CHRISTOPHER SAYS IT'S ALL OVER. That's fine! Is it fine? It happened so fast! I wanted a baby for five years and within five years I had four children! That's crazy! Am I going crazy? AM I GOING CRAZY? It's fine to go crazy! My last baby self-weaned the week I started my dream job. I work with the mayor. I get to do things I love. I am so happy! Am I so happy? Really? Because I'll never have that fluttery kick inside of me and that fantastic anticipation of giving birth. I'll never give birth again. The last doc told me I could have six more! My body was made to birth babies! Those hips! He said. And my chest has always been generous. Milk for years. And now it will just be a shell of what was. It's ok. Is it ok? What does a woman do with a body that looks like it could birth six more babies but it's done? Do I just carry this body around as a relic of the past? What will my body look like now that I am done birthing? Will my chest shrink? A little? Will I still be special? Will I miss the special treatment pregnant and breast feeding women get around here? The Get Out Of Anything excuses are so nice! I'm fine. It's fine. My hair is still falling out. And the gray ones are growing in. WHAT HAPPENS AFTER WE DIE? IS THIS A MID LIFE CRISIS? Next week I'll be 38. That's young right? Is it young? It's middle age isn't it. I AM MIDDLE AGED. What happened? I swear I just turned twenty seven. Now I am middle aged with drops of gray hair and no baby to breastfeed and I don't really get what happens when we die. I STILL LIKE TO SHOP AT FOREVER 21. I still swoon at my husband. Am I supposed to swoon for ever? We were at Costco today and I actually swooned. We also spoon but I am not going to blog about that. IS NOTHING SACRED ANYMORE? Anyway, spooning is what got me in to all this trouble in the first place. It's worth it though. Is it worth it?
Yes, yes. It's worth it.
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I'm fine.