I would like to write more about the darkest times in my life, the relationship with the boy who equally thrilled and terrified me. I'd like to explore the ways I was manipulated, or as I called it in my previous chapter, robbed, in that relationship. I'd like to be candid about the abusive tendencies in our relationship that led me to be too afraid to say "no" when I wanted to scream it and believe it myself. But in the end I still feel too afraid. Really, afraid. Can anyone tell me what I am so afraid of?
(I mean, besides the fb message he sent me at the beginning of the summer with clever undertones of warning me not to share on my blog what really happened in our relationship fifteen years ago...)
We forgive these people who hurt us. Don't we? We forgive them, but the memory of what happened is still found inside of us. I don't think about that relationship much in my life, but I think about the girl I was with painful freshness. And when I see her in others, other women in other relationships, I become almost nonfunctional with awareness.
Is it important to tell these stories too?
253 comments:
1 – 200 of 253 Newer› Newest»Yikes! And yes! But for me it would be out of equal parts honesty to ones self and spite for the FB message meant to control me with fear once more. That's some nerve.
Of course, maybe he was coming from a place of change, regret and a desire to move forward from past wrongs without the blogosphere knowing personal details about his transgressions?
And even then.... You're a better person than I am Courtney. I'm sure you'll check your real motives for sharing details and make both a wise and kind choice. :)
We are given hard experiences in this life so we can help and support each other. If we keep those experiences to ourselves we lose a part of the purpose. It is often hard to share things so personal, but we are always made better for it.
i have stories inside of me that nobody else on earth knows.
i feel that it depends on the story you are telling - is it meant to place blame on another? hurt them? bring to light their faults? make yourself superior?
then i say no.
is it meant to help you understand yourself better? reach out to others in truth and humility? bring to light things hidden in darkness with the purpose of letting go and moving forward?
then i say maybe.
i believe you should write your story - all of it. does that mean publish all of it? not necessarily. i know that you know the deep feelings of writing - the sacredness of story......
i wish you peace in your decision.
I do think it's important to tell these stories. I think many women (and men) who are in abusive relationships often rationalize their partner's behavior, and try to convince themselves that what they are experiencing is not actually abuse. They make excuses for the abuser; they blame themselves; they come to believe that they don't deserve better.
There are almost undoubtedly women in that situation who read your blog. If they can, for a moment, recognize themselves in you (as you recognize your old self in them), then I think something worthwhile -- potentially life-altering -- will have been accomplished.
On top of that, I think when we allow ourselves to be harassed into not telling our stories (e.g. your ex's fb comments, or even some of the comments on your "Becoming" post) then the things that need to be said the most get left unsaid. The issues that most need confronting, go un-confronted. Abusers count on this.
You're a good writer. I trust that your story, even if it includes a few difficult details, will be moving, not sensational, if told with appropriate motives.
You have a right to tell your story as does he...
But I understand and have those same issues in my mind as well.
The nice thing about sharing those stories is that they either serve as a cautionary tale or they help others currently living that same story find the strength to leave that story.
The male person who sent you that FB message? He's still in that story.
Tell your story or don't tell your story. But make sure that it's YOUR decision, not his.
I suppose if the message said "I am so sorry about what happened." or "I ask for your forgiveness" or "I realize now how I hurt you" or "I see you want to tell your story to help others, I support you and hope you will see how I wish I would've acted differently" then I guess it would be a beautiful story to tell.
I am thinking the only way to write a story like this and make it about redemption for two people, is if there is a peaceful resolution.
So, maybe I am not ready to write it.
Thanks Cannon's for having faith in me and my motives!
I think there are several reasons we are afraid of these stories. first, I would be afraid of myself. I would be afraid of bringing up those feelings. I am so passionate that I know I would relive those feelings and they would radiate into my present life. I would also be afraid of what I let myself do. sometimes I push things away and don't really take the time to REALLY look into my self. then if I was you of course there is what everyone else thinks. I am sure that even though we all try to brush aside others thoughts they still hurt. and by you writing it you will have those that say you are living in the past get over it etc. It is important therapeutic almost to talk/write about our experiences. As for said guy. First amendment baby. You can talk about what you want. and I think he's most afraid of hearing about what you really thought of him your relationship and everything. So he does what I am assuming might have been part of the relationship. threaten you belittle you shame you into not doing what you know you should. WRITE IT!
I think it is important to share experiences to help empower more women going through similar experiences. What if reading your story gives them the light bulb they needed to recognize their similar problems and seeing you strong and happy now gives them the strength to leave?? I have had too many friends who were scared to leave too. I just hope that if you share there is someone who needs to hear what you have to say- aside just from us avid readers!
Sometimes it's the ugly stories, the ones you fear most sharing, are the ones that help others who are too afraid to share or too afraid to get out of their ugly situation. You have broken free of those chains as this is a beautiful thing! But what might be more beautiful, is if your story, your words, gives someone the courage to break free of their chains. I understand your fear in sharing- it takes a person of incredible strength to leave that kind of situation, but it takes an amazing amount of strength and courage to share that story. And I think you possess that!
There is no good answer for this question since the answer is both yes and no. Yes, telling our stories, even the dark and scary ones, is important because it connects us to the larger swell of humanity. Telling our stories WILL help other people feel less alone. But then also, no, sometimes your story is so intertwined with someone else's that it is not always appropriate to share it all.
You might like to read this interview with Cheryl Strayed on the topic: http://therumpus.net/2012/07/conversations-with-writers-braver-than-me-13-cheryl-strayed/. Her writing (you MUST read Wild) has changed the way I think about my own. I'm ready to be brave and tell my story too. But I'm still trying to negotiate how to do it without hurting others. Tough one...
I was this going around on FB and really stuck with me!
"Forgiveness does not always lead to a healed relationship. Some people are not capable of love, and it might be wise to let them go along with the anger. Just wish them well and take care of yourself."
You do what feels right for you, and nobody but you!
Why does it have to be a story about two people's redemption? You're not responsible for his actions or responses, only your own. The story of your own redemption, your own freedom, and your own struggles with abuse and manipulation are absolutely worth telling and sharing. The fact that you're still afraid a little and still feel ambivalent is also worth sharing. So definitely write it. Only you know if you're ready to share it in such a public forum, but writing it can only liberate your further. So, this comment totally sounds like I know you or something, so please forgive the presumption, but-- Why would let a person who was so terrible to you continue to silence you like this? You have a voice now. I think you should use it.
HELL YES! Wait, am I allowed to say that near Mormons? Because I meant...HELL YES. Share it! People who abused people want it to stay secret forever...pssh. It's your story, not his secret.
Tough one... it's your story, but not only about you. Cannon's comment reminded me of this book I just read about online.
http://www.csmonitor.com/Books/Book-Reviews/2011/1003/Elizabeth-and-Hazel-Two-Women-of-Little-Rock
There might never be a peaceful resolution... you should write it for you. Maybe share it with family.
You may never publish it. You may want to revisit this in two or five or ten years. But once its out there, its out there.
Yes.
Such a fine line to walk, but I like your thoughts in your comment to Cannon. I think you can still write that part of your story for yourself, or for your children, in a private way without it being found in the blogosphere right at the moment. That way it's written down somewhere. Trying to be transparent and fully sharing through your writing is awesome, but in circumstances where there's another party involved who is less than cooperative about you sharing their part, I think you avoid the defamation of character lawsuit that he's probably thinking about and just share how you got through the toughest parts and grew from the experience. From what you've already hinted at, he sounds like a real gem of a human being, we all get that, so no need to chronicle all the ways that he exhibited those stellar behavior's that made life with him such a joy.
There is a difference between writing it and sharing it on the blog. Maybe you need to write it so you can process it enough to be free of it the fear of it.
For me, the fear is like standing outside of a dark cave. You know there is something scary in there, something that is terrifying to you. Somewhere deep inside you also know it can't hurt you, only scare you. It's the fear of stepping into that dark place and confronting the terror. In my experience, coming out the other side conqueror is worth the terror, but getting yourself to walk into the cave is the hardest part.
I say yes, yes, yes. Still trying to control.
Yes, I think that it is absolutely important!
A few years ago, I wrote on my blog about an abusive situation with my brother from my childhood. It took me over a year to finally make the decision to share that. I realized that by revealing so much about my own story, I'd also be revealing a lot about his. I realized that I had good intentions in sharing that experience, and that is what led me to make the decision to share it. I had forgiven my brother, and we are still very slowly working on mending our relationship. I do love him very much. Although I do hold him responsible or his wrongdoings, I make a sincere effort to try to understand him and the reasons why he did what he did. People often say that we must always forgive and forget. After spending many years trying to forget, I have realized that there are some things that just aren't meant to be forgotten. That part of my story changed my entire life and has played a major part in shaping me into the person who I am today. I had every right in the world to share it. And to this day, I have no regrets. I have been contacted by people who were encouraged by my willingness to share, and by one woman in particular who helped me tremendously by sharing a very similar experience from her own childhood.
So here's what I think: If your intentions are pure, go for it! Take as much time as you need to gather your thoughts and then write your heart out. I have a feeling that you will help more people than you realize by sharing this part of your story.
Tell the story that you need to tell to help yourself heal.
You are valued and appreciated!
I think it's definitely a story worth sharing. Too many people are trapped in abusive relationships. And I agree wholeheartedly with "susansworthreading", why can't it just be about your redemption and your freedom?
What would make you feel most free (of him, yes, but also in a generic sense)?
Please don't be afraid to share- there are many, many young girls and women who have been (or still remain) in terrifying relationships, and we can gain strength from each other. Strength to finally say "no" and leave for something and someone better.
I agree completely with Sanders Six, and cannot say it better myself.
I feel like if you tell the story from your point of view and it reflects on your life... then it is none of his concern. If he is ashamed over his abusive behavior, let him blog about it on his own page.
Good luck. I appreciate your sharing. (and the pictures of your adorable family.)
I think that it is important to tell these stories, or at least allude to them. I recently found myself finishing a large piece of art that I started in my home before I got divorced. My ex-husband (who sounds like yours) did not care for my work, and in fact got wind that I was showing the piece at my gallery and stood outside with his current wife and infant for an hour during gallery walk.
When writing about the piece though it was heavily loaded, I choose to write with an air of alluding to what had happened. Given we live in the same town and given his curiosity and my fears of him I played it safe. And I'm not happy about that.
I think that telling our true stories, the real truth of the story, while being respectful, is the way to share. I was disappointed in myself that as a 32 year old feminist, I still got scared.
Speak your truth C.Jane, you always do it in such an eloquent, well poised, and professional way.
Ask yourself your motives, be true to yourself. Most of all don't NOT writer your story to protect him and or avoid his reaction. He is still trying to control you, and likely others. He obviously is so very unaware of his behavior...or maybe he is so very aware?
there are people in this world that take from us and never give a second thought about the wreckage they have left behind. tell your story and don't allow this person to rent space in your head for free. there are better, deserving people who need you. tell the story with the hope that it will ease your heavy heart or give someone the strength they need. people can only have power over us if we allow them to. you survived not everyone does.
i think it is entirely up to you.
however, i strongly believe decisions made out of fear aren't good ones. i know that if i am truly afraid to do something, obviously i need to consider health and actual safety of my family and loved ones, but there's a lot of strength that comes from facing fear head-on.
i hope that you'd feel empowered whatever decision you make on this topic.:) thanks for always being so transparent.
Perhaps you are afraid that words can hurt. But then again, so can silence.
Years ago I took a writing class on personal essay from Joyce Maynard. In it she addressed the fear of harming others, hurt feelings, resentment, etc. when sharing YOUR story. Her whole point was, it is YOUR story, YOUR experience of it, YOUR journey. It is yours to share or not share. The impact that it may or may not have on him should not hold you back.
There are stories that I long to spill, but still hold back. Eventually, when I have enough distance, I will tell them. You should not let his veiled threats hold you back. If you want to write it, go for it. There is no rule that you have to post it.
Yes.
Please don't be shamed or bullied by this person into NOT sharing your story.
In fact, I would argue that the very act of him emailing you is proof that you do need to share your story.
Too many women end up in relationships that are not healthy or happy for them (I'm among those many women) and I think it's important to hear these stories, they keep us from feeling not alone and we can use them to teach our own daughters, sisters, friends, anyone, that they should demand respect and love and equality in their relationships. Fear should never rear its ugly head.
Share and hold your head high! We are all cheering you on!
Yes. It's important. I have similar fears sharing experiences of abuse.I thought divorcing my very similar ex would make the fear go away. I don't think about him either, just the fear. It's a primal scar... ingrained in our bodies. What an ass to intimidate you.
I don't know what the answer is. I can understand not wanting to open that can of worms.
Does it need to be a beautiful story? Not all stories have storybook, good for everyone, endings. Even in Disney films, in Good vs. Evil, Evil rarely changes its ways to claim goodness and light. Does it have to be about redemption for TWO people? What about the ONE writer?
Maybe his healing, or change, comes with the uncovering.
I totally understand the dilemma of this problem. I confront this frequently myself. It is honorable to consider how your words may affect others (those about whom you write), but don't let their feelings become more important than your own. And maybe, now is not the time. I think you will know when it is. When you can speak the truth and say the words you want to say.
Inspired by you and encouraged by the Spirit, I've had a story that I need to write...the one about what happened to my family, to me. I started it, but now I'm terrified to continue it. The feelings are overwhelming and I feel like that abused 15 year old girl again. It's hard because I've grown so much since then and I don't want to regress.
The beginning of the story has been sitting on my desktop staring at me, lurking in the back of my mind reminding me that I need keep writing. I'm terrified to relive it, but know that once it's written down, I can move on.
I can understand your fear. I feel it too. But I know that once I am brave enough to open it up again, I'll feel so much lighter and freer. I have no plan to publish it on my blog since there are other people involved in it, but just knowing that someday maybe someone will be able to benefit from my story makes it a little easier to keep writing and talking about it.
Thank you for being brave enough to even consider sharing your story. You are amazing and inspiring. :)
Yes, I think it's fair. People write memoirs all the time that make people in their past feel uncomfortable. If he didn't want people to know about it, he shouldn't have done it. With that said, keep his name out of it, and keep it more about how you felt, and less about what he did...if hat is evn possible...
Are you afraid because you think people will judge you? (That is usually what holds me back from sharing the real stuff.)
Are you afraid because this individual sounds like an absolute sh*t and you are terrified of his reaction?That might be valid too, I don't know how crazed he actually is.
I understand both these reasons. It's your story, you get to do with it what you want. I will still think you a wonderful and brave writer whether you write about this or not. XO
Oh only you can answer that right? For me and my life, it is not. It is not worth my heart, the strife, the pain, it is not worth what it puts on my husband. It wouldn't be healthy for me. It would not be healthy for family relationships that are trying to heal. Even if it would help others, I come first, and even if it's a selfish decision...guess what? I get to make super selfish decisions for myself. It is a completely different story for every woman and everyone will come to a different decision.
I think the only thing you can do is make sure you make a decision with a peaceful firm mind. Darn emotions and sometimes talking you into doing things you should not do!!
Good luck with making a decision on it.
Well... what would Lammott say, indeed? I bet she'd say SHARE, but I say, WAIT!!!
(Which isn't all that easy to say, you know, as a reader now dying from curiosity.)
But my mom wrote her stories once; when she died, and I read those stories again, they didn't help me. They tormented me- these experiences were so pain-filled, so not what I needed to remember. I felt like they kept me from the good she was, and the love we shared.
Motives matter. While you have ownership of your story, how you choose to tell them can be like weilding a sword... be careful when and how you swing- and certainly understand why you're swinging at all.
And I meant that selfish word in a good way, sometimes it is very very good to be selfish with decisions. At least to me it is.
I think it's important to tell those stories but to think carefully about which audiences you want to share them with. Maybe your blog readers are the right audience and maybe they aren't. I'll pray for peace for you as you make that decision.
Also, I think something needs to happen if he can still intimidate you through Facebook. Again, that may not need to be public knowledge but that message makes me concerned for you. I'll pray for safety and comfort as you make that decision.
Well I know what I would be afraid of...first, what you said. The person contact you, and confronting you about it. If your manipulative, relationship was like mine (and frankly, yours sounds much worse) I never, and I mean really, never want to see/hear from him again. Sure he can't hurt me anymore, but who wants to come face to face with evil? Or even mere badness, negativity, etc?
My second fear is (and this always tells me how far the manipulation/lies went) what if I'M the one who got it all wrong? What if I invented these lies to tell myself how bad he was because I couldn't face the facts? I think that's what a really good manipulator does...they make you think it was your fault and you question yourself. I have long gotten over my own disbelief in what happened, but I still fear others will call me a liar and declare it untrue. Thus my need to file and keep all emails I get from almost anyone...you never know when you'll need proof. Funny how years after the fact there are effects I can still see.
Are these stories important to tell? Yes, but mostly for yourself. And sometimes for others who are ready to see it, but don't kid yourself into thinking you're going to save some girl from this type of doom. Most of us can't be told, we have to find out the hard way.
Yes, but on your own timeline. There's no need to bleed for your blog. You've already shared a wealth of experience, and I look forward to more, but not to bring you pain.
As to the veiled threat from your ex, "Don't let the bastards get you down!"
Well I am going to assume the hesitation to write this particular story centers around your "fear" - not necessarily physical - of him. And if this IS the major "fear", then just remember you are not using names. To prob. 99% of us, he is generic. To those that know you, they prob. knew about all this back then.
God yes. Absolutely hell yes. I'll tell my stories of manipulation and abuse to my daughters, nieces, cousins, and any other young woman who will listen, because it is so, so hard to recognize. It is a dark kind of magic.
Your decision is ultimately yours, not his, not ours, but since you asked, I find these stories to be SO important to share. Because one thing leads to another leads to another and suddenly you're in way over your head and wishing you'd seen this coming, when women who love you could have told you it was coming if only you'd had the benefit of their wisdom.
Really love Jamie Martin's comment. Exactly what I wanted to say, but better.
oh man. tricky, tricky. no doubt about it. When I started my blog, I was a bit worried about how it would go to share that part of my life - since it involved someone else. But in the end, I decided it was still my story. And it included parts of my life that were the most triumphant and the most critical to my own journey. How could I not share it? So I did. And I don't regret it. It has helped so many people who are in similar shoes.
"Is it important to tell these stories too?"
I think that depends entirely on what your reasons are for telling those stories. If you feel forced to do so because you mentioned that you were going to, but now feel reluctant, I'd say follow your heart because your heart will tell you what's right FOR YOU. If you're trying to help someone else and don't mind reliving the past, then go for it.
Ultimately, I think dwelling in the past takes us away from living in the moment, which is all we really have. One of the reasons most of us are unhappy is because we live too much in the past or worry about the future. There's no room for contentment in the moment when our minds are somewhere else.
Didn't read through all the comments, so I hope this wasn't said already...I worry that most people are saying its important so that they can hear it. I think people are generally very nosey and/or interested people and want to know all the details about the bloggers they follow and because this is so intriguing I too am very interestesd in what you would have to say. BUT, not sure that the blog is the best place. I think feeing comfortable and honest with yourself and your family and kids when they are ready is the most important thing!
Good Luck!
I say write it and publish anonymously.
You can tell the story as it is yours and you can do it without mentioning his name.
Tell it when you are ready. Tell it because you have the desire and need to, not because you feel like you are obligated to.
Most importantly....pray about it :)
YES! You are in no way bound by this guy anymore and you should not allow yourself to continue to be "handled" by him or manipulated by him into believing that you don't have a right to tell your story. He may be part of your story, but it is still your story! Names don't have to be named or identities compromised, but it is your story to tell or not to tell. Not his. Do not let him compel you not to do something that you want to do.
You are afraid because in some ways this will open you up to be hurt again. But if you think of it as being a way to free yourself of whatever insecurities you still carry with you, it will be so much more helpful than hurtful! Go for it. You really have nothing to lose!
Hmmmm... I feel like some people egging you on do so because this is a juicy piece of gossip that you have been building the suspense for, for months now. I know there is a website that you alluded previously to that is comprised of your critics that has outed your ex's name (I only found the site after you described it and the curiosity got the best of me). Whether the man they named is your ex I am not sure but the poor guy if they are wrong! So it sounds like there is a lot of damage that can be done should you move forward. How do you tell the story to not appear slanderous and exploitative? Do you feel pressured to follow through with the story because you have alluded that there would be an explanation and now you feel like you have said too much? If that is the case, you have every right to back out and not tell that story. It is no one's business but yours and his. Hopefully this critical response does not elicit your followers to harass me cyber bully style. Just commenting on your blog provokes fear especially if it is not "I love you, you are brave, you are amazing". I think you are smart and clever and a great writer. Personally, I am dying to know what happened, but for me it is more soap opera than I feel like I could be moved or inspired. I don't think you should risk your emotional well being so my curiosity is fulfilled.
Yes. Speaking your story is a liberating and radical feat and because there are other women out there who recall that painful freshness too.
My first thought is that you should journal it if you haven't already. It's no one's business but you and your ex husbands. Also, as much as I know you're looking at things from your own angle, I am hesitant to hear the words 'abuse' tossed around. Some people are just destructive together. I think of my brother and sister in law. I knew both of these people very well before they married and would have never imagined that they would bring out the very worst in each other. It was truly toxic and each side has a story that can't be told without the other person's view point. I have come to realize as I get older that very few divorces have one bad person and one good person. Typically, it's two people who were bad together. I am not saying your story is this way, but just cautioning that maybe he is embarassed at who he was when he was with you. It may not be a control thing or a fear thing - just sheer horror that one of his ugly life chapters is being aired by the opposite side.
Yes it is important as well as cathartic and validating. Each of us are who we are because of the tapestry of what we have experienced, good and bad. To give in to bullies is giving them power they don't deserve. How dare anyone say I have hurt you and now I forbid you to express it.
You have Chup now, you're safe. And of course, if this guy was really threatening, you have the police. You could let him know that. You aren't using his real name. And honestly, the people who knew you both then either already know, or won't be surprised when they read it. So do what helps YOU purge this from your system and move forward.
Yes.
Hello,
Don't be afraid - it is only a bit of the same thing that kept you in that relationship even when you knew it was wrong that is making you hesitate and have second thoughts. You are intimidated by this person and judging from his e-mail, I can see how and why. He is the one trying to hide something - not you. There are two sides to every story and he has the right to tell his side - but he is trying to stop you from telling your side. Been there, done that - if only I could have back all of the many the years I wasted for me and my children in this manner. And you were wise after that one time - I did it again. You are a strong and brave woman - you have the security of your family and husband who know the truth and can support you. You are not sharing this story to slander nor is it in a hateful manner. The decision is up to you of course, but you have the gift of a writer and can pass on an experience/lesson learned to others. Sending you good wishes that you will find a solution. You and your family are always in my prayers.
Hugs,
Barbara Diane
I'm not sure if you should or not to be honest, because I'm not you. I had a terrible first relationship and there are things that happened that I haven't told anyone about, not even best friends. I hate what happened but I have learned to forgive him, and also myself for allowing it to happen. I feel sorry for him because I don't believe he will ever be happy, he has been married twice since me. Reading this has made me wonder if I should tell my story too, not in a blog, but maybe to my closest friends or family, but then, what good would it do? Good luck with whatever you decide, there are no right answers here x
Oh, at the risk of getting drawn into my habit of over-commenting, I do want to respond to Jamie.
Jamie, I think your points are totally valid. Yes, everyone is curious about what happened. I know I am, and of course Cjane definitely should *not* tell the story with the purpose of satisfying those who just want the gossip.
However, if handled well, this story could be genuinely constructive. She could serve as a high-profile example that it is all right to walk away from an abusive marriage; that even if your marriage was solemnized inside a temple, you are not obligated to stay; that the abuse is far, far worse than the humiliation of a failed marriage at 23.
Obviously, though, Cjane will need to think hard and pray about which decision she makes and why. As long as she feels she's made the right choice, I don't think any of us will complain.
One more thing: it's not slander if it's true.
I believe that some stories NOT meant to be shared with the masses. There are people that can be hurt unintentionally by some stories.
Perhaps you need to write the story but maybe you need to think twice about sharing it for the entire world to see.
Share it on your blog or not but do not be afraid of words breathing life to your past for we are not defined by our obstacles, but how we rise from them. We have the responsibility as humans, as women, to set examples for those who come after us-to teach our sisters and daughters what it looks like to fail but also what it took to prevail.
First:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Second:
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_listening_to_shame.html
Fresh Courage take Cjane.
your one of the most amazing writers CJane. I love that I can come to your blog and read things that are so real and inspirational. Good luck with the decision, your faithful readers will support you come what may!
I was in an abusive relationship, and when the Chris Brown-Rihanna news broke, I finally wrote a little about it on my blog. My reasoning?
Until we start sharing our stories of the red flags we ignored or didn't see, or sharing how hard it is to leave or get help, other women won't recognize the signs that could save them so much pain.
It also might help to remove some of the stigmas we attach to women in emotional or physical abusive relationships...it can happen to anyone, regardless of how "with it" or assertive they appear in real life.
These stories are important because the end result is empowerment.
If the other person wants to write his version, then let him. I'm in the middle of revising/editing a book I wrote about 20 years of dating LDS guys. It's not all pleasant, though much of it is. I might make one or two of the guys angry. But it's MY story to tell. And my nieces need to hear it.
I'm the woman who wrote earlier about my own struggle with this as I completed an art piece, well you actually inspired me to write my own story, "speak my truth". If you have a chance, here's a link. Thank you for pushing me!
http://artisansontaylor.com/blog/2012/my-conversation-piece
Morgan lee, you are entirely correct as well. There could be more good that comes out of retelling her story than any bad that could come. You are also correct that it is not slander if every detail is true. To think that there would even be legal repercussions is probably presumptuous of me.
My girlfriends and I unfortunately share a common experience of a complexly confusing first time encounter with an unhealthy person as a young woman. Whether it be a boyfriend, mentor, friend, dance teacher, chiropractor, etc. - a first encounter with any level of manipulation is so challenging to navigate.
I share my story to fan the fire of intuition (at any age but especially young women)... With the intention to encourage others to trust it unapologetically and better navigate people who have the potential to negatively impact one's wellbeing... (intellectual, emotional, spiritual, physical).
My experience was relatively harmless but had the potential to be really scarring. I reflect often on what it is about me or how I was raised that enabled me to minimize the hurt, anguish, and heartache because I hope I can help my children successfully navigate dysfunctional or difficult situations with people too. We all probably have different answers to that question as well as the "could've, should've, would've" reflections. For me, I'm thankful that my parents encouraged us to fearlessly question everything as an act of truth seeking that ultimately brings us closer to God.
I was introduced to your blog in 2009 when I was bed ridden by a form of morning sickness called Hyperemesis... And here I am, in the same situation, with the great fortune of reading my favorite blogs every day too. ;)
Women's narratives as well as reader's comments add value to my life. I laugh, I cry, I enjoy, I relate, I disagree, I grow, I share, they share, we grow. I like stories with all shades of color. They bring me closer to the essence of who I am.
Since you asked...my recommendation is to first work out the emotions surrounding that relationship privately. Perhaps with a therapist or if you are not so inclined with private writing that is just for you. Then when you have it all settled for yourself decide what, if any, of that relationship you want to share publicly. Find out why you want to share this part of your story with the entire world. To support other women who are in similar positions - you did not need to tell the private parts of your story to do that. To set the record straight? You already know what really happened. To better understand what happened and why? Better done privately. Revenge? Never worth it.
In my opinion you do not need to share this part of your life with anyone. You need many more years to put it behind you. You have a wonderful family and fabulous husband. Let that be enough for now. That dark man is not worth the time, energy or space in your life. He is probably not worth the oxygen it takes to keep him awake. Forget telling us anything. We know enough. Bulldoze him under and continue with the story where you meet Chup. And fall in love. And get married and have babies. This is all the real you.
I was in college, when someone explained to me the characteristics of an abusive relationship. I couldn't deny it when it was laid out like that.. the abusive boyfriend of two years, that's what was wrong. Things got worse before they got better, but I am glad someone told me their story, it saved me.
I think once you tell it, you won't be afraid of it anymore. Whatever it is that is making you feel this way. As a survivor of a relationship similar to the one you speak of...please speak out. Please share your story. You got out. Sometimes sharing your story helps someone else make that same decision. Anyway - that's my 2 cents. Hugs.
I think it is important to tell these stories, especially in the face of the "my perfect life, my perfect marriage, my perfect husband" type posts that seem to saturate the blogosphere. The utterly honest posts which reveal vulnerability, insecurity, cringe moments are the ones that allow readers to breathe a deep sigh of relief that we are normal. When you are ready I am sure, in Susan Jeffers words, you will be able to feel the fear, and do it anyway.
As a woman, I do feel that it is important to share these stories. But immediately my mind went to Jeffrey R Holland's talk, Remember Lot's Wife. http://speeches.byu.edu/?act=viewitem&id=1819
It's a very fine line to walk, Cjane. However, I also think, is it better to slay one man rather than having a nation dwindle in unbelief? (aka, could what you have to say help others to avoid making the same mistakes? Probably.) Is there a way to do it tactfully\carefully\with compassion? I vote that is the best way to go.
I too have to agree with some commenters to be very careful on what is written, and I know you would be. You have a wide readership who love and adore you, and anything you write you will get immediate sympathy (which I know is not the purpose for the post). I'm just worried that if he does try to change his life, he will have to overcome judgement from readers who love and adore you. That's the problem I had when I divorced my spouse, he has changed a lot, but others that have heard what I have told them about the relationship haven't changed their view on him.
It's your story and I love your writing. It's enough for me to hear that it was a horrible marriage.
Good luck with your choice!
it is your story to tell, and I suspect there will be circumstances were you will feel compelled to tell it. It's a personal story, one that can be helpful to other women- in just the right setting.
Perhaps this blog is not the right place. I have no doubt that your story can help many, but maybe this venue just isn't right.
Yes. Please yes. I have been reading your blog for about a year, but this is my first comment. Your words are always so beautiful and well-written. I've been married for almost ten years, yet last night I had another nightmare of my previous abuser. I don't have the words in me, but I feel like reading yours would help me to process. I'm sure I'm not the only one.
Think Elizabeth Smart.
Just saw your comment - if you are unsure of your motives, then that is an important factor to consider. I stand by my earlier comments about this potentially being an important and life-changing story for some women to read and I wish more of them would be shared. But if your motivation leans more towards spiting him than helping others, of course that would give you pause, that wouldn't be a positive experience for you. Too complicated, too personal, for us to really have valuable opinions on. Nice to get us all thinking though.
If you let him stop you saying what you want to stay now then you are still letting him abuse you 15 years on. You are better, wiser and above that. Plus you have two daughters. What example would it be to them not to speak up?
What other stories are more important than those??
SHARE! I grew up in an abusive home growing up and the thing that helped me the most was reading and hearing stories from other people. It actually made me respect them a lot more. The final decision depends on whether or not YOU feel ready. Don't do it before you're ready. You may regret it, because it is a very personal story.
It is your story to tell CJane.
I just have to say that whatever you decide to do with your story, it certainly shows how rock solid your marriage is and how self-assured you really are to even be able to safely go to "that place" and reevaluate all that has happened and its effect on you.
Congrats to you and Chup on the life you have built together!
What does Chup say about this? I presume that he saw the comment on FB?
No. I believe you wish to profit from your angst. You become purged of whatever is still inside you but to the detriment of someone who obviously has moved on from you and does not wish to revisit or relive the ugliness the two of you created and shared. Your feelings of being robbed, terrified and abused are yours. Not his. I don't think there's any more you could shed or impart on others that is new or enlightening. The ugliness you seem willing to spill would only serve to drive traffic to your site and satisfy those who 'slow down at traffic accidents'. It's really none of our business and you don't need a fan base outside of those intimately involved in your life. Perhaps you should dig deeper as to why you feel the need to spill more blood so many years later. Some things are best learned from and put away. What is the reason that, with all you have in the world, this young, failed relationship still bothers you? Is it because you can't fail? Is it because you still need so many others to lift you? Why? The fork in the road I see you traveling is named 'Blame' and further down that road ... 'Regret'. Close this book quietly.
don't feel like you have to share it, courtney. we are all understanding people and you should only do what you feel comfortable with. you'd hate to regret it. :/
Your story, your choice.
I find it absurd that he contacted you 15 years later to warn you about posting. You've never posted enough personal information on here for anyone to know. The only people who would know would be family and mutual friends. They already know the story, so what's the harm?
I'm so sorry about all you went through. Don't let him clip your wings. Don't live in fear.
Of course you should write it. Get it out and over with, then put it (and the guy) behind you.
CJane, I'm a survivor of abuse in several ways over several times in my life. What would have helped you as that young girl? Can you write that??
I love the words of Annie Dillard: "While literature is an art, it's not a martial art." Take an honest inventory of your motivations in writing this story. Ask yourself a few key questions. Why is it important to YOU? Why is it important for us? What is your main purpose in sharing it? What do you want to communicate? Who will it benefit? Who will it harm? What are the consequences of putting it in the public sphere?
Perhaps you could write it down and let it simmer for a while just to make sure it is what you truly want to communicate before you publish it.
I had a friend who felt prompted to type up all of her teenage journals a few years back. She had lived through some painful and difficult circumstances, yet, as she re-wrote her words she began to see things differently. The Atonement began to change her view of those who had wronged her and forgiveness emptied her memories of bitterness. Does it make what happened okay? No, but her view of what happened and how it affected her changed.
Writing can be tricky because we're constantly changing. I believe our stories are important to tell and there is a lot to be learned in the telling--but sometimes timing is everything.
It sounds like your thoughts are still unsettled about this experience and maybe it would be helpful to acknowledge that (ie: This is how I feel about the experience now but it may or may not be the same thoughts I will have in the future...)
That being said, I do not condone abuse, nor do I think you should write an idealized version of what happened. You will know how to share it when the time and place are right. Best of luck!
The problem here is that he's even connected to you through Facebook. That's not moving on and healing...that's staying connected. Healing from abuse is disconnecting completely from the person, the abuser.
Anyone can message you on Facebook
I am just now coming out of a manipulative,abusive seven year marriage. I have my fears, of course, and think back on our marriage a lot. The hardest part for me in letting go was remembering that it wasn't ALL bad. In fact, there was a great deal of good. But the bad was just TOO bad, and that's why I left. When I feel the fears and when I deal with him now and all the legal stuff I'm having to do and finding myself having to prove I was abused when I know that he and One Other Person knows what really happened, even though he's denying it, I have lots of fears. I'm afraid I won't be able to prove the truth. I'm afraid he'll make a wild accusation and through some odd collection of facts be able to twist the truth to make me look like the aggressor. I have found that talking about it helps me. It helps me find perspective, understand things about myself, and things about him. But I do have to be careful to whom I talk and when I talk and what I divulge. If you are wondering whether or not you should be totally truthful on your blog then ask yourself two questions: what is the worst possible thing that could come of you saying these things in this way? What is your motive behind telling these things at this time, in this way? If the answer to the first question is something you could live with and the answer to the second question is something positive, then go for it. You can't guarantee that there won't be a negative impact, but if your intentions are pure and you are carefully considering the consequences, then I say go for it. It will help you to talk about it and write it all out, I know that for sure. It's just whether or not you want to bear it all to so many people. Maybe. Maybe not. You'll know the answer. In fact, you probably already do.
I just read this, and thought of you: "The mess always surfaces, and eventually some of us give in and decide to explore our messiness. Many don't, sadly."
I wrote about my own 'beautiful mess' a couple of months ago. It took me an insane amount of time to get it out, and I avoided it for as long as I possibly could. I would open it and begin, and then it would put me in such a bad place emotionally that I feared it and would close it back up. But the words wouldn't stop coming, rolling around in my brain every night that I realized I was also continually torturing myself with just the thought of writing it. So finally, I stopped fighting the beast and got it out.
Others were involved in my story, and mine does not wrap up into a nice, neat package. There hasn't been a pleasant resolution between us, but it didn't matter; I had found my resolution without needing theirs. I was at peace with all of the ugly, including my own part. That is what kicked me forward in sharing, was the peace I had found. The backlash didn't matter, whether it was from them or strangers; it could not rattle me anymore. I shared because I knew there were people who had felt what I had felt, and it just might be a piece to lead to THEIR healing.
So, I wrote generically about the second party's portion of the story and more specifically about my own, leaving the unnecessary and sordid details alone for only my memory.
There is something healing through writing, and writing vulnerably for others to see. I clawed my way out of a really deep hole that had been dug for me by another, and I was proud of my courage and abilities to overcome. I wanted others to know they could do the same, and no longer give power to those who do not deserve it.
To share my story gave me another piece of my healing puzzle, the piece to let others love me through ALL of it, and hold up a mirror so that I could see their reflection of love, and know that it came straight from God, which in the end was the piece I needed the most and had searched for the longest.
It was like group-therapy blogging at its finest. :)
You've written vulnerably and honestly many times, and I appreciate it so much. I think this is the first time I've ever commented--maybe second?? {so I made it a doozy!} but this is something that's close to my heart. Whichever you choose, I'll still be an admirer of yours.
~Lynsey
Recommend the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans, and leave it at that. Abuse begins with the verbal, and recognizing that first is what is important.
Just as you did not listen to anyone trying to advise you about your ex, no one in "need" will listen to your advice or story. This is something that people have to figure out for themselves. Reading this book to our teen children will do more for them than another "story"--they must recognize verbal abuse for what it is, and connect it to the physical abuse that will likely follow.
the stories we're most afraid to tell are the ones that most need to be told
hell yes! forget him!
I absolutely believe that if writing is your medium then, yes, it is essential for your healing. Public or private? Your call. Passionate about this because I've recently realised that if I don't write about my horrible first relationship (of 7 years, with an undiagnosed at the time paranoid schizophrenic) then I will not heal. That relationship (which I have ignored for so very long) is the basis of a lot of, if not most of my issues. I too was contacted by him recently on fb and I was not as brave as you. Like Flock of Seagulls, 'I Ran'. Blocked or not my world has been rocked. How I mourn for that young me. So yes, write. For YOU. Love you long time SKU-W xxxxx And that Anne Lamott, boyo has she been some balm lately.
"I am not afraid of tomorrow for I have seen yesterday and I love today". William Allen White
I worry about the "life" people miss or are missing because they are forced to relive something that happenened in their past and sadly cannot be changed.
follow your heart
go with the spirit on this one. xox
The grit of our lives, the stories that aren't so pretty, are usually the ones that hold the most value.
I notice in the way you've worded your post that it doesn't seem like you are working from a place of blame. You seem to accept your part in that relationship both good and bad.
Perhaps your reluctance to look back and write about it comes from not being able to accept that you let that happen to yourself. It doesn't sound like it's about him at all but rather a lack of forgiveness for not being there for yourself.
If it comes down to holding back and living less fully in your writing and your life then I hope you'll choose bravery and share. Don't allow him to intimidate you. You have your own personal healing to do and this story, although it involves him, isn't about him. It's about YOU and making amends with yourself.
Thank you for all you've shared along the way so far. It always inspires me to be a little bit braver and a little bit bolder about the truths in my own life. xO
If your ex has sincerely tried to change and move on and be a better person, then I think he deserves privacy from his past. Even though you wouldn't be sharing his identity here, it is already known to all of your family, friends and acquaintances as well as any curious reader who seeks it out through public records.
Let him move on from the details. Although I am curious and would love to read whatever you write about your story, I do not think we need all the details of how you were abused. What is most beneficial is how you recognized that you should get out of the situation and how you moved on and grew from it.
I understand the pain and fear of a past abusive relationship. I still cringe when I see a certain make of vehicle, but I had to forgive and let go and I chose to let that person move on. I am happy now and in a healthy relationship and I hope that person is too.
It is your story and your blog and you should feel free to write what you want to and need to, but you walk a fine line. It is more than just him that could be upset or affected by the story being shared. What about his family? There is a lot to consider and I look forward to reading whatever you choose to share.
I highly reccomend "Anatomy of PEace" by the arbinger institute. This book changed my life. It was recommended to me by more than one person and it teaches us how to get our hearts at peace and be able to work through the hard stuff.
Good luck!
I know when I have done things that hurt other people, I do not want to be exposed in public. I feel like this does not allow us as individuals to truly access the atonement, and we sometimes feel we have to punish others too. I think you should share these stories with your kids when they are older, including your son. Help them when they need to know it. Write it down so you can work through it. Share it with those you feel inspired to and if that is your readers, then you have your answer.
You are a beautiful writer.
Good luck.
keep praying and asking others you trust and you will figure it out. You are an incredibly talented writer. I enjoy your stories so much! Good luck in this process. I do not envy you...what a hard decision!
One question i am curious about: i dont understand the time line here. Are you talking about your ex husband or someone else? You spoke in your last post about being 19 when you started a relationship with a boy in your speech and drama class and yet you went on an lds mission ( which requires girls to be 21). Did you date your ex before your mission and then marry him after or is this another relationship you are referring to?
my opinion? i have lots of junk in my trunk too... i don't share details because they are not my sins to share. BUT, i do share the lessons i've learned. i DO share the GOOD that comes from it. i've learned from watching people i admire. my favorite 'survivors' are not those that stay VICTIMS-- they are those who say what they KNOW FOR SURE and we can all feel it because it has been learned from the crucible of affliction. YOUR LIFE IS MORE THAN JUST A RECOLLECTION OF THE WORST THINGS YOU'VE ENDURED!! YOU ARE NOT DEFINED BY YOUR TRAGEDIES, YOU ARE DEFINED BY YOUR VICTORIES!
I haven't read all the comments.
I'm not sure you do.
There are a lot.
If you should read mine, please don't misunderstand it to be judgmental.
It isn't.
With that-
Yes. Your stories are important to tell. If you feel they are important.
And they are YOUR stories.
YOUR experience with YOUR accountability.
That's where authenticity lives.
In accountability.
I don't know, to be honest. My tendency is to think that while sharing the story may be helpful for you and for others, sharing it on the internet for any and all to read may be too much. Maybe this is a story that should be shared one-on-one, and not one-on-thousands. Perhaps that's why you are afraid.
Or, maybe you're afraid because it is something you know you should do, and it just takes a whole lot of courage to actually do it.
I tend to think it would be the first one, but only you and the Lord know your heart, and only you, with His guidance can make the decision that is His will.
It's a toughie. I wish you all the best as you try to figure it out.
Please share your story........for those of us who haven't found the courage to end similar relationships, it would sincerely, truly help to see how others managed to do it. You know, the thing I want most is to end this relationship and yet it is the thing that scares me most.
I am not friends with him on facebook.
Just last Saturday, my husband and I were frantically trying to find my friend, who with her baby, was being held against her will in the baby's dad's car. After a terrifying 50 mile trek, she did end up safely at home. Unfortunately, she is in such a manipulative and scary relationship, filled with fear, that she still doesn't fully recognize it. I appreciate brave people sharing their stories, C.Jane, because maybe, they will help my friend identify and recognize that she has a way out.
I understand your need to write about it, but perhaps you need to think about it before you share it.
In my own experience, I dated a man many years ago. It was a very bad relationship for many reasons. We broke up, it was not pretty. He then wrote a book, and had it published about his dating experiences. I am in that book. I've read it and it's his version of the story and I have never had the chance or opportunity to tell my side at the same level of exposure.
I cringe every time I think about that book and the people that read it and the judgments that they are making about me. Perhaps your ex-husband does not want that. Because I know it's your dirty laundry you want to air out, but it's also his and you should consider how it will make him feel to have just your side of the story told and your readers making judgments on him. Obviously I don't know him, or know what kind of a person he is or was, but consider his feelings before you write. And when it comes down to it, all this dredging up of your past seems to be causing you to be distressed more than you need to be. One has to wonder, why you feel the need to write about these things? Do you need some "atta girls" to make youself feel better, are you trying to mend your relationship with your ex or are you just vying for ratings and readership on your blog.
I enjoy your blog, but I don't know if I want to read about your past so much, more than your present and what you want for the future.
You need to consider the feelings of the people you write about. Especially if they do not have fourm in which to share their side of the story.
We all have a right to leave the past in the past. If she chooses to leave it unwritten that is her choice.
My dad was emotionally abusive and occasionally physically abusive to my mom, and when my brother was a teenager, in my opinion, he was abusive toward him. My father never abused me or my sister, but we still were affected by the abuse in the home. I still live with emotional reprocussions from it.
The details are not important here, but the point I want to make is, my father died a few years ago and now that my father is gone I feel no need to dwell on that abuse in the distant past. My mom and my brother are completely over it and happy and it would do no good to relive it. In the last 10-15 years of his life my dad was gentle and kind and truly repentant and we choose to let that be his legacy and to look at the good things he did in life. It isn't all black and white. He made lots of mistakes, but he was also a good person.
I agree that we should not protect the abusers and the abused should not feel shamed into hiding their story, but I also think that every sinner deserves the chance to repent and move on. I am not saying that YOU are dwelling on anything and that you should not share your story. I don't know you or him or the situation, I just want to share another viewpoint.
I love the way you tell your stories and I make no judgement on what you choose to share. you are a talented writer and I am always drawn in to your posts.
You obviously want to share your story, otherwise you would not have brought it up. Now all your readers are clamoring to hear about it, and you gotta give 'em something good, right? I mean, what did you think they were going to say when you asked if you should share an uber juicy story full of emotional and distressing events from your life?
I think some stories don't need to be shared, just learned from. You interpret a life lesson the ways your meant to interpret it, why open it up to others interpretations?
Just wondering why this manipulator nightmare person is allowed on your Facebook? Do you still have contact with this man? Don't mean to be critical or tell you what to do in any way, but yikes!
FYI folks, you don't have to be "Friends" with someone on Facebook in order for them to be able to send you a message.
Cjane, since I know you are waiting on my opinion (ha), I think there are probably a lot of young girls out there who are in an abusive relationship, and feel trapped and controlled. I think that you through this venue have the ability to show that there is a way out--- you are never truly trapped, and there is always room for a do-over in this life. You might be that one little ray of light for someone that is emotionally huddled down in a corner.
I thought you did write about it and it was a best-seller....."Fifty Shades of Grey"? or was it "Twilight"? :) (I am totally kidding....see the smiley face?)
Are you ready for the comments that will most likely arise? Are you ready to have this experience out there for others to judge?
You should definitely write it. But you probably should not publish it on your blog.
That said, your readers (myself included) are incredibly nosy and would no doubt love to read about it anyway.
Has it been helpful or hurtful to write about your other personal experiences? I have found it incredibly helpful to read your life story and if it is beneficial to you too, than please do. Thanks!
Yes or no that is obviously entirely up to you but when grapling with a similar kind of choice; a man once said to me, "its a quality of life issue." Will this choice impact me or my family? Is this choice worth the repercussions that will follow? Will we be better for it? When you can answer those truthfully in your heart you will know the answer. I wish you the best of luck with this decision and I hope that one day your ex will take responsibilty for his actions and start controlling the only thing he has control over; himself.
write it whenever you want to put pen to paper on that chapter. (and maybe you already have.) and share it only when and if you are ready. i know there are many women who could benefit from your courageousness.
The bible is filled with lots of sad stories. And dysfunctional stories. I'm sure it was horrifying for Lot to record that his wife was turned into a pillar of salt. But he did it maybe because he thought the story would help others understand.
I guess I can't speak for Lot.
But I'm glad it's there, It's a very sad and very beautiful.
i ask myself the same question all the time when i am blogging. to tell or not to tell. that is the question. good luck finding peace with an answer :)
I understand the feeling of paralysis ("nonfunctional with awareness") and I know it's easier said than done, but IMO it can and should be pushed through, because that feeling probably stems from a crucial calling to help girls like you/her. Maybe you're not ready to share it just yet, and that's fine, the world will wait, but don't let the paralysis harden.
The "painful freshness" and your love for that long-ago girl (and the future young women of the world) is more than sharp enough to cut through fear.
Hard memories and passive-aggressive notes can't silence you, Courtney. You are the bravest blogger around.
oh so important. every time you tell your story you have the potential to empower another woman.
You need to do what is best for you and your family- number one. Yes, telling your story may help others- but if it puts your family or you in jeopardy- it is not worth it! Good luck with your decision.
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.”
Dr. Seuss
We all have dark places in our past, places we don't want to visit, but yet can't escape. I don't think it would be wrong to share your story, if you do so in a fair but honest manner (which is the hard part here, isn't it?). Maybe the world does not need to know too much detail about him. Maybe this blog is not the right place to tell this tale anyway.But not to tell it altogether would mean to give in both to your fears and the pressure he is still putting on you after all this time. Be braver than that, stronger. You don't have to tell US all about it, bleed out your memories and secrets and fears for all of us to see. But you should somewhere, somehow share what you learned and let your experiences become a warning for others. Sharing the things that we made it through not only might help someone else, it will transform you. It will change the way you deal with your fears and self doubt. It will make you stronger, without being superior to someone else. Because after all, how you dealt with the situation is far more important than what exactly he has done to you. And i think that is the difference between gossip and advice. You are such a smart woman, equipped with so much love and integrity, I'm sure you'll choose well...
one side of a hard story is always a tricky situation. Your reality of the story is accurate for you, and that is fair - but I can also see how your reality may differ from his, and since you have a much wider forum it might be a little unfair.
It sucks really. Divorce is a messy
Horrendous punctuation is one thing, awful spelling can be forgiven, but not using capitals, not at all, is just unforgivable! Come on people, we are adults, aren't we?
Anicka Cocoa said it best.
What I love about your blog is that you stop me in my tracks. I stop, pause, reflect and sift through my own life experiences. You've helped me see the light of some of my darkest moments. Most importantly I've learned I wasn't alone.
Write on, whatever way your heart decides with the knowledge that you are not alone.
At 21 years old I am in a difficult situation and would love to read your perspective on it. In all honesty I'm pretty lost and not a soul knows the truth. But do understand the fear of not wanting to write.
yes, please share. you'll give me more strength to write and share my own experiences.
I believe that issues from our childhood accompanied by lack of self esteem coupled with fear cause us to make poor choices. My only problem with sharing these issues from our past is that we must never put the blame on the boyfriend. To place blame is to be the coward. We did what we did. Nobody had a gun to our heads. Own it sister, don't be afraid anymore.
It is what it is.
The stories in the scriptures are told without apology. We learn from each other all the time.
If you do decide to write it, I'm sure it will be with care, depth and an unselfish purpose.
Darkness cannot drive out darkness; only light can do that. Hate cannot drive out hate; only love can do that.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
I believe difficult stories must be told. I also weigh each and every one of my personal ones. What will I lose...what will I gain? Some will never be shared. God knows the intentions of my heart. I ask him to show me if my intentions are not pure. I have had wonderful, amazing things happen lately. And my goal in anything I write is to be in alignment with God and his purposes.
His purposes. I always do that when I am tired. He understands.
I'll add my voice to the chorus of yesses.
Ultimately, it is up to you. It is your story to tell. Give him only as much consideration as you would anyone else who might appear in your life story.
Praying for courage, direction and peace.
louBlou, is that directed at me?
If so, I'm sorry my mistakes offended you. I was trying to hurry and get some thoughts out there while on my lunch break.
I guess I'll think twice before venturing to comment here again.
If you want to tell your story, you should. There doesn't have to be redemption for anyone. I'm a realist that way.
Missy W. certainly not directed at you, just in general. Please don't be put off because of my silly comment. I was just in a bad mood having received yet another text from a friend all in lowercase and with no punctuation, took me ages to work it out - ignore me :)
I think it's especially important to share those things that make us afraid - of course, you don't have to share them on the blog, but share them with someone. Now, my selfish answer, when you share those things here it brings similar situations in my life up front and present and I can look at them in a way that I couldn't before - I am no longer alone in that situation, someone else was also there. I wasn't stupid or responsible for what happened - it happened and I wasn't prepared. I tremendously admire the writing you do here.
He doesn't control you. It's free speech. Write want you want to write. What would you tell Ever if she was in a similar position?
so VERY important to tell
That Anne Lamott means an awful lot to me as a writer: "You own everything that happened to you. Tell your stories. If people wanted you to write warmly about them, they should've behaved better." BAM. Couldn't have said it better myself. And it's what got me through part of this summer.
Ha ha I don't blame you one little bit Bridget, now excuse me while I go and hang my head in shame :(
I think it can be good to tell these stories to the people we are really close to, but I think it is probably unnecessary and counterproductive to share them with people we're not close to. Some of these topics could be explored generally in a blog setting, but maybe not with too many specifics. I also think that some thought needs to go into respecting the privacy of others, even those who have greatly wronged us. Good luck with your decision.
Yes. It is important & almost necessary. Yet I still don't know how to tell my own tactfully. Maybe I shouldn't worry about tact and settle for honesty. I hope you find a way to share because I know many will learn from it.
Hello!
Have missed you - keep checking every day and hope to see you back posting soon! It's always so lovely to read what you have to say and to see photos of you and your beautiful family! Wishing you a happy day!
Hugs,
Barbara Diane
"We are only as sick as our secrets." -Best advice I was ever given! That being said, don't write what you are not ready for. Or maybe write it in a journal to work it out but don't publish until you are really ready to say, "UPN YOURS!" to your ex. :)
~Lindy
Forgive that mess I just published! Two babies make for sloppy typing and unclear thought formation! :/ YIKES!
This post almost had me in tears - I think it is so important to share what you went through, to not be afraid - and to honour that young woman with the power and strength that you now have. I know exactly what you mean, and if you do it - I will too! x
I don't think it has to be a story of redemption for two people before it is legitimate to tell it, although that would make it less messy for sure. But if it were me I would be careful to make it a story emphasizing my choices, my growth, and my experience, not a story focused on blaming or exposing someone else. You are usually very good at this already. I would probably write it and then let it sit for a while to make sure I still felt good about it. Good luck beautiful, brave woman.
Thanks for sharing that about your dad. My father just died, but he wasn't very repentant in his mistreatment of my mom. In fact, he lived long enough to give away most of the money she needs for retirement. It is hard to forgive. At his funeral, all of us children spoke and only shared good things. The bad still twists me up emotionally in my marriage. I want to forgive and let go, but have the lasting effects of his emotional abuse. At least I can see better where my painful response to any criticism comes from. Do I need therapy, probably. Or to write about it, maybe...but I don't think I could do it publically. Anyway, your words of forgiveness inspire me.
And Courtney, we love you. Follow the Spirit.
this really doesn't need to be shared publically in this forum C.Jane. What good does it serve? Share this with the people who love you at their core- Chup, Mom, Sisters and Brothers, maybe your young nieces.People are nosey by nature. They'll read you then go on with their day. Check your intentions---this is sent with Love
I just want to add: I DO think this guy is a cowardly douchebag and I'm sure that scarred young girl would love to see you out him all over the internet. Yet,part of healing that young girl would be to lift her up and to rise above
Remember when you were trying to think of a worthy subject to write for a book? I think you found it. A YA novel. Just change the names so someone's identity is kept secret. Only your dearest blog readers will know it's really about him. wink wink
Maybe you should walk away for a while and take a good, long break to figure things out. You will be missed, but you can't keep plucking out your feathers for our enlightenment and enjoyment. Maybe blogging is even more personal than writing a book. I don't know the answer. I just don't want you to have angst.
With all that I am - both entwined with resonance from this life and the other side...YES.
Yes.
oh, so scary how the past rears up and bites your bum!! thought i'd put a past very negative relationship away - spoke to my ex in-laws recently and was shocked at how raw it all was - think i'm a bit broken
Share your story/life. Do not let the abuser continue to abuse/control. I wish I had the courage to share mine.
It still haunts me to much to do so.
Nobody has any claim on what YOUR experiences have been. Write it out. Share it if you feel like it will help someone else have a happy ending. Rejoice in your light, and don't allow him to extinguish it. It's an epic storyline...and the feeling you are experiencing is why hero's are what they are...they overcome their fears and triumph over darkness. Blessings to you...
Well, my first thought was yes, you should share. But then I thought about it a little bit more. I have a blog (well, a few actually) and in the past year, I started sharing some of the things that had happened in my past on my blog (abuse by past boyfriend, making poor choices, etc.) My blog is "supposed" to be about my life with my family life now and how we try and live simply. So it was related, but not really. And while it felt very freeing to get it out and I got some comments from unexpected people telling me that they were grateful I shared it, I got some negative comments too. And in the end, even though my name isn't on my blog, and I didn't name anyone from the past events, and I was pretty vague, it still left me feeling really vulnerable. In the end, I decided that I wasn't going to share personal details like that on my blog anymore.
Hey, I hope you're okay. This is tough work you're doing. btw, Anne Lamott is great, I had never heard of her until your shout out… then I googled her and started reading. Thank you.
I've thought about this post A LOT during the last week. I can connect with your statement "but I think about the girl I was with painful freshness" - i feel the same way when i think about myself and a specific relationship in high school. I wish i knew what i know now.
If telling specific stories about the abuse or manipulation isn't the best option, could you write a post in the form of a letter to yourself giving yourself the advice, wisdom, encouragement, strength that you wish you knew back then?
Just an idea. I think sharing our stories of pain and ultimate survival is essential.
C Jane, I completely agree with Miss Pete...you should write a young adult novel based on your story (if only loosely based). What a gift that would be...
C.Jane, I don't think it is necessary to share all of the details. We get the idea, why do we need to know more? Why do you keep writing about it and then pulling back? You have shared enough about it for people to learn from it. Your posts about him are laced with hurt and anger, why else would you share that he wrote you a message on Facebook? It seems to me that you are waiting for him to acknowledge that he hurt you. I think it bothers you that you haven't settled things between you. You don't have to wait for him to change or apologize before you can heal and move on. Someone I know was in an abusive relationship, she got divorced after years of torment (beyond what you can possibly imagine) years later she wanted to confront him, she called him. She told him that he hurt her and he said "I never touched you" it tore her apart. She wanted to hear him admit it, to acknowledge what he did. But he wouldn't. Years later again, she is remarried and has moved on. Even though he wouldn't acknowledge it, he had hurt her. But that doesn't mean it had to stop her from healing.
Maybe you need to go back to your original idea for your blog... cjane ENJOY it. This seems to be so painful for you. If you are not ENJOYING telling your memoirs then don't. Go back to blogging about what makes you - and therefore- US happy!
Paging Courtney Kendrick...
It's so important, these are the stories that need to be told, that go untold for generations until you wake up one morning and realize YOU are one of those "battered women". Please dont' let him control you even now, unfriend the FB, and save a daughter of GOD that needs it!
If you truly put writing your book on the back burner because blogging is your calling, then you need to be a little more dedicated. It seems as if you want to consider blogging a career and regular source of income, but your postings are so sporadic and brief that it appears to be little more than a hobby. I wish we all had that kind of flexibility with our "jobs".
Wow!! Last two commenters!! C-Jane has shared with us her most private affairs, she has offered us glimpses in her family life, she has made us laugh and cry and I'm sure you have lapped it all up. Then when she is obviously going through a difficult time writing a new post that will show us at her most vulnerable you turn on her and critize her. Condensing her life that she offers to us as a brilliant business scheme! Wow! People are cynical!
Yes- I do think it is important to talk about these things! We need to empower each other and find a way to better our relationships. Thank you for writing this little snippet, it gave me a little power surge for the day.
people. she is eating pizza and flying on planes. check her instagram and twitter.
Love reading you, hope there's more soon. Reading your memoir here has helped remind me what is "interesting" about my perspectives of my past. And so I write them in my journal for I am not brave enough to blog them. Thank you for your bravery in sharing what you do and how you do it!
I keep checking back....are you not blogging anymore?
Hope you are okay.
dealing with similar agonies in my song writing... so much to write about, and yet I just can't write about it. tough place as a writer, as a being that yearns for honest authentic expression, and yet is ultimately protective of the characters of those potentially honest and revealing, maybe unflattering stories... whether they deserve it or not... for the sake of redemption, for the sake of forgiveness, for the sake of the innocent bystanders.Oh to be a writer is sticky business, all we have are our experiences to tell... for better or for worse. Deeply complex... It's a beautiful torment...
Check her instagram and twitter? I don't care enough about any of them to do more other than check this blog occasionally. If that's her goal (to make us search for updates on her ho-hum life) she has overestimated her appeal.
I met a friend recently who said her family had not fought. She married someone who knew how to fight, and fight dirty. Even when the fighting is not physical, it is harmful.
I would love to see a book written on this subject. Hopefully it will help some people avoid bad marriages. Maybe it will help some people grow up and not be so manipulative.
Also, I think you are able to hide your FB profile from people so if he's not willing to send you a real letter, or stalk your physical phone, you can screen him out of your life.
As a person who was sexually abused as a small child and am still challenged by it daily (I'm a matronly 54 years old). YES, your story is worth telling, if you decide to do so. Many, so many people will learn and grow reading your story. Remember though it is your story. To a lesser degree the story also belongs to your husband and children. To a degree less your story is also the story of your parents, brothers, sisters and close friends. It is also his story, but he gave up his rights to the story soon after the story started. How will telling the story affect the people who still have rights to the story?
Now please continue your writing as I love you blog!
Either tell the story or don't - but either way, make a decision. You owe that to some of your readers at least. And speaking of readers... perhaps you ought to even let some of us know if you're even going to continue on with this blog. It's quite obvious that you can't be bothered to post on even a semi-regular basis any longer (admittedly, it must be even more taxing with your new Gangsta Signs record deal and all)...
Or maybe you're off supporting Mitt with his presidential campaign and just don't want to admit to it???
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