June 25, 2012

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I've noticed a change in my day dreams lately.

In my past I've taken advantage of quiet moments to fantasize about remodeling my house, uprooting the green carpet, taking new paint to all the walls, demolishing the kitchen and expanding on the west facade. Or, my dreams lead me to thoughts about my body, how I could shrink it back down to a size it knew before, command control of my flesh and the food that enters in. My hopes and dreams were consistently about my vanity--how to look good and live luxorously.

But the firm grasp I had on these ideals are disappearing, without consent from my consiousness it seems. I find myself waking up wondering how it would feel to love--without conditions--everyone in my life. I dream up visions of me, clad in all my wavy body hugging people without constraint of insecurity. I envision me living in my home, serving my children, loving my husband, grateful for the roof over my head giving thanks for the colors on the walls and textures underneath my feet.

I just want to be kind.

I want to release the anger I feel so easily.

I want my desires to take up less space in my reality.

Yesterday I loaded my children up in our car and headed down to the desert of Utah. We reunited with Chup who has been working lately in the southern parts of the state. Together we drove into the belly of the red rocks, stopping to take a short hike through a wind-carved canyon. When we came to a wide wash we stopped and moved silently for a time. My children were spellbound by the shifting red sand, picking up handfuls and letting it slip through their little fingers. Chup hoisted the baby up and down, rocking her little body in the breeze. He was deeply observant and I wondered what was milling in his mind.

I sat on a flat rock for while wondering what was happening to me, how this change was occurring in my spirit and my perspective. How do I deserve the grace and joy I feel almost daily? How can I begin to relate to my posterity how much I want to purify myself for them? I became entranced in the beauty of my surroundings, the rocks, the canyons, the hovering blue sky, my gorgeous children discovering silently, my kind husband deep in thought. I felt so light and free in my spirit and in my body. It possessed me until there was nothing I could do but take off all my clothes and run.

And so that's what I did.






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