My Plural Marriage, An Ode to Steve Jobs

Everyone talks about Mormons being polygamists like it's something we're currently undertaking. That's not true. Is there more than one woman in our marriage? (Not counting my dueling personalities?) No. No there is not. But the truth is, where we once gathered wives to procreate and process our formative-pioneer lifestyle we now use technology do to the same.

Yes, we've replaced multiple wives with multiple technology.

At first I was skeptical. I saw other Mormon couples welcoming iPhones into their marriages. I saw them cuddle and care for each other, you do the navigating, I'll call the babysitter. Sure, it was practical to have an extra hand around to do some of the work, but I wondered about the emotional sharing of space.

And then one day it happened to me, my husband brought one home from work. His first iPhone,white, pure and eager to please. I was at the stove top stirring soup, frozen from shock. I knew life would never be the same again.

"I don't know." I said, "Isn't this going to complicate things?"

"Just wait and see. It's awesome," he said, sitting at the kitchen table wildly unwrapping the sleek body from the minimalist Apple packaging.

As it turned out, he was right. But so was I.

Shortly after this arrival, my husband took us out on a date for sushi, me, him and her. The ability to make reservations on the iPhone was a simple three step process, find the restaurant's webpage, click the telephone number on the screen and say "Hello, table for two in ten?" I had to admit, I was impressed by the ease of capability. (I like ease almost as much as I like sushi.)

But throughout the entire meal, it glowed and flirted with my husband. Every five minutes he would pick it up, caress it, scroll it and ogle its apps.

Like he used to do with me, when it was just me.

That night the iPhone came to bed with us. My eyes rolled as did my body in the opposite direction of my husband when he sat staring into the perfectly pitched screen. And there he remained for hours, testing and experimenting and discovering all those fantastic features. I felt so tossed.

Here she was, our sister wife.

About a year later my phone died. After a short funeral of a curse-worded eulogy I started to research a new phone. This brings me to a good point: I think the most misunderstood principal in polygamy is the idea that the man should be doing the choosing of the sister wives. If a man is going off in the field to work all day, and the wife is left at home with the kids and another woman, I say she gets to pick the woman. Heaven knows she can't pick the kids.

So you know what I did? I picked out a sister-wife of my own. An equally lovely and capable iPhone companion who held me in attraction and who goes everywhere with me. Now we are a marriage of three wives and one husband. And when we go to bed, we ALL go to bed.

Last May we were lucky enough to have an iPad come into our marriage as well. Admittedly, the iPad isn't really my type. I picked this one out for the children. We don't really think of her as another wife as much as we do a baby sitter. She's the one who wakes up with the kids and entertains them until I can roll out of bed and think about breakfast. Bless her heart. I really love her too.

And so, tonight I was sad to hear the Brigham Young of technology, Steve Jobs passed away. The world will remember him for great technological advances, iPads, iPhones, iPods, iTunes and Pixar (for starters) but I appreciate him for a balanced marriage and a easier go at motherhood.

From all of us at Retro House, husband, wives, baby sitter, children: thanks Brother Jobs.


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