Tuesday, July 12, 2011

I Married Chup Kendrick and then I Duplicated Him

I woke up blurry eyed, trying to focus on the head that was pressed against mine.

"I want a light saber."

It was not yet seven in the morning and here was the boy in my bed starting his parade of requests early. Usually it's chocolate milk in a sippy and Max and Ruby (it may be noted, he thinks regular milk is chocolate milk and I don't see a reason to correct this line of thinking). But today there was something else imminent in his brain, the McDonald's Happy Meal Light Saber he saw the kid on the plane playing with the day before.

"That light saber is wanky Jooce, you don't want it really do you?" I croaked.

"I want the wanky light saber!" he persisted, borrowing my adjective like it was a compliment to the sci fi sphere. Suddenly wanky meant ASTONISHING! INCREDIBLE! INCONCEIVABLE! as in, see this wanky light saber?  It will save generations of humans, animals and extraterrestrial allies for as long as the force exists.

"I WANT THE WANKY LIGHT SABER!" his voice was about to wake up Ever, and that's when I get serious about things.

"Ok, ok, ok," I said, sitting straight up in bed and cupping his head to look directly at mine."I am going to give you jobs this morning and if you complete all your jobs Daddy can take you to get the wanky light saber."

So we were up and tasking.

Every time I issued a job and it was completed The Chief would come back prepared to accept his reward.

"Wanky light saber now? Please?"

"Listen, Daddy isn't going to take you to get the wanky light saber until lunch time." I explained carefully because there is a lot of translation involved with this guy. "You are going to have to wait."

Oh but oh, there is no waiting when you are The Chief Kendrick and you have a desire in your burning heart. To avoid hearing him pout, I ordered up jobs like I belonged in the army and he was dutifully following through like an eager cadet.

"Pick up that book."

"Wanky light saber now?"

"Put those shoes in your basket."

"Wanky light saber now?"

"Give Ever a hug."

"Wanky light saber NOW?"

Chup could only make it to 11:15. At 11:15 he called it an early lunch. And the two of them went off to fulfill dreams of chicken nuggets, a cup of Sprite and holy smokes, that wanky light saber.

I was exhausted by it all. I had only known one person in my entire life who could get so obsessed with wanting a toy-- and that happened to be my son's father, Chup Kendrick.

When I first married him, my mother in law warned me about this part of my husband's personality. "He gets things caught in his craw," she said. Now, my mother-in-law was raised in the royally rural landscape of Castleford, Idaho and she uses colorful terms that I always like but don't understand ("There's enough food here to feed the Threshers!") I didn't know that a craw is the gobbly thing that chickens have on their necks. If a rock gets caught in that anatomical pouch the chicken is known to go wild trying to get it out. According to my in laws, getting something "caught in your craw" means you want something so badly that you'll go nuts until you have it.

In the nine years I've been married, I've seen Chup obsess over flying machines, remote control things, technological advances, fast motorcycles, expensive cameras and shoes.

Two hours after the wanky light saber was acquired (and I might add, taken apart to pieces by the young Jedi master) Chup's iphone was smashed to death in an accidental showdown. It looked like a prolific spider had spun a web all over the screen. And from that point until sundown we had ourselves a second obsession of the day. Chup was in the market for a new toy.

Evening Walk. Dinner. Family Home Evening. All of it tainted by Daddy dreaming and scheming about getting his new phone. 

And due to earlier demands, our house was entirely clean. I had no more jobs fit for grand rewards. I couldn't take another hour of pouting, gasping and lamentations, so I sent Chup straight way to get his new iphone 4.

I've been thinking a lot lately about being an enabler and creating codependent relationships. I am a very "leave me alone" type human and when brought into situations where I have to endure another's persistent wants I'll do just about anything to get out. BUY IT, ORDER IT, GET IT, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE! Which I can clearly see doesn't exactly make for healthy relationships. And then what does the Lord do? He sends me two dreamers with hearts open for desires--like it's in their blood.

(I'm blaming it on my mother in craw.)

But at least I'll always have a clean house.

Who's wanky now?