Thursday, May 6, 2010

Motherhood on Me: The Temporary (I hope!) Suspension of My Coolness

I went to a business lunch today with Chup, Jose and Sweet Jim at Infinite Promotions. I had to leave the table to feed my baby who woke up in between chips and salsa and strawberry lemonade. The restaurant we went to didn't have a place for me to feed the girl, so I slipped out and went in the backseat of my car. Anytime I write the phrase "slipped out and went in the backseat of my car" I feel like I am writing a teenage romance, but really, this wasn't so exciting. And no vampires.

Anyway, I was sweating by the time we were ready to go back in and join the others. I was also sincerely hoping I had put myself back together thoroughly. You know, that my chest wasn't hanging low, wobbling to-and-fro, tied in a knot or tied in a bow. And definitely not thrown over my shoulder like a continental soldier--if you follow.

After lunch was over and business was business again, I got up from the table and followed the others out. As we were about to leave the building, Sweet Jim looked behind to see if I needed any assistance which is when he said, in a really sweet-but-oh-dear voice, "Oh Courtney, I can't have you . . ." which is when I noticed that an unfolded, greasy napkin was stuck to my shoe and following me out the door. It looked like toilet paper, you know, that nightmare.

Instead of pulling the napkin off my shoe myself, I offered the bottom of my shoe to Jim--via a strange kick--who picked if off and threw it away in the trash. Very good I pay Jim lots of invisible cash to be my business manager.

I tried really hard not to laugh myself silly, because then I'd lose my bladder to the humor of the situation and things wouldn't be so funny anymore.

On the way home I thought about how uncool I suddenly had become. Uncool, not-smooth, awkward and nervous. I am completely at the will of so many factors I can't control. A newborn who sleeps and eats at unpredictable intervals. A body with a shape and flesh I am not used to seeing. Body parts that leak or ache and a mind that won't turn off. It makes me feel like a teenager at the skating rink all over again.

Plus I feel so helpless a lot of the time. The people in my immediate presence are always asking if they can help me because I appear so overwhelmed and undercapable. So help me, this is hard for me.

It is quite possibly the most vulnerable I've ever felt. Humbled to the core. I told this all to my sister Page tonight as we took family photos, "I know. I remember," she laughed. And now that I think about it, I remember feeling this way with The Chief as well. It's just another period in my life that requires patience.

I also remember that just as soon as I got my groove back--feeling hot and super snappy--I became pregnant again.

And so it goes.

Photo of our family, thanks to my sister Stephanie:

Yes, and do you take your awkward-eyes-closed photo with or without cleavage?

Although, it is entirely not awkward for me to show-off my baby
(I can do that with my eyes closed as well):

And yes I am wearing the same black dress as yesterday's post. This just reiterates my point, no?

on dear c jane today:
please enter to win a scott wiley lullaby album so i can give you one
(plus the blue lily enlighten giveaway winners are announced!)

I am c jane and this week I am posting photos of my new life as a mother of two.
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