Still Here

My "due date" is tomorrow.

These days are the ending of a chapter in my life. I don't want to rush them, I want to nurture them, to live them, to (if at all possible) enjoy them. And here I'd like to record them:

Before going to sleep last night, in between massive yawns, I mentioned to Chup I wanted Magelby's breakfast--French toast with cream and strawberries. Even though spring spent the morning blowing snow all over the sky, we went to breakfast. The Chief maneuvered his toy truck all over the surface of our table, while Chup and I discussed family affairs. Taxes and politics came up, but I can't remember much else because breakfast tasted so good to me.

It was so cold today. Sporadic snow and freezing temperatures. I told Chup the baby was smart to wait until a warm day to come out. Stay in there little person, consider Friday--it should bring sunshine and sixties.

Every chance I get I sleep. Chup has taken over the mothering capabilities and does so quite effortlessly. He bathes the boy, wipes his nose and spends time with him looking through hobby magazines on the floor in the front room. It is bittersweet to me, I miss my agility and I kinda miss my old job. I continually remind him "Remember, as soon as I am able capable I am going to get back to changing diapers and filling sippy cups and . . . zzzzz."

I am so lucky to have him home right now.

The Chief--I swear on my lisp--has never been cuter than tonight when we bought him a harmonica at Target. On our way home, from the backseat of the car we heard earnest blowing attempts and a couple breezy notes. He'd pause so we could clap and say "Yay!" The concert continued all the way home.

Am I really sure I can handle loving two little beings? My heart is already feeling like it could burst. Or crack. Or have an attack. But not when the little fellow doesn't nap well and melts down into a tempestuous puddle around the five o'clock hour. That is when I think, am I really sure I can handle two little beings much less one?

I feel heavy.

That about sums it up.


dear c jane today:
a book review no going back,
a story about a gay, Mormon teenager and hope.

c jane's guide to provo:
I present your next house(s).

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