Sunday, March 21, 2010

In These Last Days



On Friday night
I completely melted. I gave way to the instability of hormones, life changes and motherhood sensitivity. And it all started because The Chief was eating a bean and cheese burrito.

"What are we doing?" I asked Chup directly though I was staring at my son.

"We are feeding our child dinner." He responded without effort.

"No. No. I mean, what are we doing to our son's life?" I repeated, this time with feeling. Verge of tears feeling. Lump in throat feeling. Desperate to be understood feeling.

"We are . . . raising him?" Chup was now guessing.

"No. I mean, we are totally messing up his perfect life. One of these days he is going to wake up and there will be a new baby. There is no way to warn him, no way to help him understand what is going to be here soon. One day he will be the only child, the next he won't. Isn't that disturbing?"

"It is going to be the best thing that ever happened to him. A sibling will bless his life in ways we can't imagine." Chup said in his low, low voice.

But I started to cry anyway. Somehow my brain or heart or whatever organ couldn't compute how it would all work out. How could I love two little babies at once? How would he know I still loved him when my affection was going to be split? How could I say goodbye to a time in my life shared only with my son and no one else? Those busy mornings and slow afternoons just the two of us with cheese and juice and Booty--gone forever?

It felt like prepartum depression.

I cried until I went to bed.

The next day was Saturday. After naps we put The Chief in the car barefoot and drove to the mall. We let him pick out new shoes for his expanding feet. He chose Converse, blue with velcro straps. We put them on and he ran around the store excitedly, hiding in the dressing rooms and pointing at the exotic fish tank. The saleswoman gave him a blue balloon which I could see darting in and out of clothes racks as I paid up front.

We let him ride the escalator as many times as he wanted.

Up.

Down.

Up.

Down.

Later in the day we went to the park where he tested out his new footwear. Ran up the hill and across through the trees. Pretended he was a car zooming in and out of traffic with a guttural broom broom sound everywhere he went. Played in the rocks and around the large pavilion. Then, when he could no longer see his long shadow we decided to make our way back.

"Coold." His little voice said to me from the stroller.

So I wrapped him in my cardigan and he broom-broomed the rest of the way home.

And I know he will never remember a second of that day, but I will.

It was all for me anyway.



*photo of The Chief and me last May taken by Jed Wells



Dear c jane
dipped in chocolate:



c jane's Guide to Provo:
In Memoriam:





195 comments:

tharker said...

P.S.
Such a gorgeous picture!

Serin said...

Such a tender post! Best wishes on your new journey.

tharker said...

Sounds like a perfect day. (for both of you)

Just know that every mother of more than one child has felt this way. I actually felt guilty throughout most of my second pregnancy because I worried that I didn't love that baby as much as I loved my first. But the second, and I mean the second that he was born and I heard that little (read LOUD) cry, it was as if my heart expanded. Then I knew. I loved that little boy with all of my heart, just as I did his older sister.

As for The Chief, it will be hard for him at first, I won't lie. But, Chup is right. He will love this new babe. Just be prepared for a little too much love from The Chief to the babe from time to time...

Enjoy every last second of your time with just you and The Chief!

The Boob Nazi said...

I bet that is so difficult to get used to. I'm glad I'm the baby.

Mary said...

I remember those same thoughts. You summed it all up beautifully.

Now I'm a mom of four and hoping for another in the future. It won't ever be the same, but it's a different sort of awesome. And he'll like it, too. (Maybe not immediately though, I have to be honest.)

Stefanie said...

Oh the Pre-partum. It's a real thing. It's okay though. It really will be. Life does move on. It's actually easier the second time around - I've found life is just less stressed with your second kid. You've already done all this before. It's not that it's not special, but it's not new. You'll be a pro and the Chief will be an amazing big brother. Who doesn't want a big brother? He'll be fantastic. You'll survive, and you'll see it was the best decision you could ever make.

Becky J. said...

I got prepartam rather than postpartum depression with my second baby. Fortunately it only lasted about a week and was gone the moment that sweet little bundle was placed in my arms. I think one of the reasons is that I realized that somehow through the delivery of her my heart had grown a couple sizes bigger so that I could love both of my babies. I was so worried, but there was nothing to worry about. You do somehow manage to love them both, often for different reasons, but equally all the same. And Chup is right, a sibling will bless The Chief in so many ways. Good job drinking up these last few days with just him, though. You recorded it so well.

Debbie said...

This post is so sweet. I agree with Chup, this baby is going to be his best buddy very soon and your love is going to double the minute he/she is born! Oh yeah and when you come home from the hospital be prepared, The Chief will have grown about a foot and will look like a grown up boy all of a sudden! So weird how that happens but it did every time for me with all four kids.

Anonymous said...

As the oldest child in my family, I like to think of myself as all kinds of lucky for getting a couple years of one-on-one time with my parents. But that little brother of mine (who's nearly a foot taller than me)? I couldn't imagine life without him and I don't remember having resenting his arrival for a minute. The Chief will be a-okay in his big brother role!

ashley said...

I have a son about your son's age and just had my second baby about a month ago. I totally understand what you're going through...I cried almost every day for the past few weeks I was pregnant, worried about how my guy would handle the new baby and feeling guilty. Once the baby was here though everything was perfect and my son loves his little brother so much! I had nothing to be worried about. It's so amazing to watch the two of them, and I'm so excited for them to be BFF :) Good luck!

Sky said...

Oh this post melts my heart! My second is now six months and I so clearly remember feeling these same emotions, especially in the last while. It will be different and hard, but wonderful and blessed.
Good luck to you and it sure sounds like you are making some precious memories that will indeed matter forever!

Hayley said...

The night before I was being induced with my second daughter I held my 2 year old on my lap and read her favorite book to her while sobbing.

I was so worried I would never get alone time with my oldest again. I was worried that I'd never have that chance to read her her favorite story just the two of us again.

The day we came home from the hospital the baby napped and me and my oldest snuggled and watched Dora on TV and I realized that I would have plenty of alone time with each kid.

It's pretty awesome stuff. Can't wait to see the new babe!

Sara said...

With my 1st pregnancy I had twin girls! I never got to experience only having 1! I can't imagine what that would be like. But I am due in 11 weeks with our 3rd child!
My girls are now 5 and are super excited to have a little brother! But like you I have had my sad moments to know that I will not just be a mom to my little girls anymore. I will not have those special little moments with the 3 of us.
But then I think of the joy that this little boy is going to bring to our home. How much his big sisters are going to love him and how much me and his daddy are going to love him!
I am so excited and nervous at the same time! We just got back from a family trip to Southern Utah today. It was a great 4 days of playing at the park, swimming, and hiking the hills of St. George! My girls loved it! They asked when we can take their baby brother there!
Oh I am so excited for both you and me!

Apartment Manager said...

I felt the same way when I was pregnant the second time. But we always say that giving my daughter a little brother was the best thing we ever did for her. They love each other.

Sarah said...

I know that it sounds so cliche, but your heart truly grows larger with each child that comes to you. I am the proud momma of three children and each one of them has their own special piece of my heart. I did not have to make room for the arrival of #2 and #3..it was something that just happened as they came into this world.

The best gift I have ever given my children is each other. When my first born was 2.5 she gained a brother and while she mourned the loss of her life as our one and only, she loves her brother with every ounce of her being....even when they are fighting I can still see the tender love between them. Our number three joined us after I was a surrogate mom twice and she was so eagerly anticipated by all of us. I worried (without reason) that my "baby" who had been my baby for the last 5 years would feel displaced, but I think he might just love his sister more than anyone else.

You are going to be great. There will be growing pains, but there will be joy, so much joy!

Kim said...

Aww, I know how you feel. But Chup is right, and The Chief's new sibling will be a huge blessing to him.

With my first two, my eldest didn't even have the chance to hear much about a new baby as I wasn't pregnant. He went from the only, to some idea about a sister to a week later a 7 month old baby was set in front him and he was told "here's your new sister!" He didn't actually ever see a newborn until I remarried and gave birth to the first of the new set of kids, and he was 12.

With that new set of kids, the boys are 20 months apart. Somehow, someway, Ian just totally accepted that Connor was here and it was as if he'd always been here. I think God did that for me, because I was as worried as you seem to be. So there's always that to consider :)

Shazz said...

I too felt this way with birth of our second AND third child.

but you don't need to halve your love or split it into thirds....it grows exponentially with each child that comes along and you find your heart grows and is filled to the brim with love for each successive child.

despite the sibling rivalry that invaded our lives as baby nos. 2 and 3 arrived, our three children have all grown up to be the best of friends who love and care for each other.

take care and enjoy these final days as a family of three - four just makes the ride so much more fun to be on together xo

Gentry Gang said...

What you wrote is so familiar to me. Each new baby ends an era in a family. And at the same time it's an exciting new era. Before the birth of our children, we have a sleepover in the parent's room. Just to celebrate the family we are, before the big change. It's actually something I do for me, the mother. It one thing that has helped me get through those feelings you just expressed.

Thanks for posting your thoughts. I think I will add them to my journal - AGAIN. :) You write so well what most of us women go through. Thank you again for using and sharing your gift.

Anonymous said...

I had that exact same feeling going from 1-2 completely normal and warranted with such a big change on the horizan.
Much love to you and the boy in the blue shoes.

Amy said...

The miracle of second children is that the magic does happen twice! (And probably more times, but I only have two.)

Shannon J. said...

This post sang to my heart. My sweet girl is 21 months old and still very much my baby. I'm being induced to delivery #2 in 23 short days and have been feeling the "preterm depression". I want to take in every second of our time together. I told my OB just last week that I wasn't thinking straight when I thought it would be a good idea to have another one. That of course is nonsense. I know, like I'm sure you do, that there is a special little someone who can hardly wait to join our family. Good luck to you in the next few weeks!

Jackie said...

You have me in tears remembering this feeling. It is such a special time, a gift really. Thank you putting it into words and reminding me.... I don't want to ever forget this. It's one of those "priceless memory" feelings!

jack said...

A beautiful photograph of you both. Enjoy these last days and all the first days to come.

Judith said...

The love doesn't divide. It multiplies!

Carolyne said...

I just had my second three weeks ago. My first is the same age as the chief. I felt the same. It seemed like my daughter and I had such a perfect relationship. As my pregnancy progressed, I felt like I was betraying her, like I was ruining us. I thought I couldn't possibly show enough love for both of my children,and that I would lose that perfectness I felt with just my little girl.

Then, I had my son three weeks ago. My daughter had a hard time for the first week, but she has recovered and loves her little brother. She's very protective of him. And, the perfectness that I thought I would certainly lose is still there. My daughter and I are still the same. She is still my little buddy. My love for her hasn't decreased and we are still perfect. We aren't ruined.

Love is a wonderful, amazing thing. Just when I thought I couldn't love anyone more perfectly than my husband and daughter, I had a son and I can't imagine life without him.

Good luck to you! Happy pushing!

Q said...

Long time reader, first time commenter ... only when moved upon by the Spirit. And so I share with you that it is a good thing you have that process of thought now and are moving through it. I was in labor with my 2nd babe and it stalled at 7 cm, pain without progression is just PAIN ... I was truly going to break. I'd been doing beautifully up until then, and then my fears that I never processed about welcoming a 2nd child into our family came flying out ...and at that moment it seemed a preposterous thing to do to the 21 month old baby we already had. With the help of an angel named Pam, we acknowledged the fear and moved through it (David actually ran toward Goliath when he threw that tiny pebble) and then labor began to progress again. Such is life, I want my pain to count always.

perkiwindy said...

Just as you will forget what life was like without #2 (because you will)...he will forget too!

Rachel Z. said...

I had these same thoughts and when I was pregnant with my third I was sure that I had made the biggest mistake ever. I just knew that it wasn't possible to have as much love in me that would be sufficient for three kids, but that baby came and just completed our family. I now know that a mother's heart can only expand and when I see my mother, who is the mother of four and the Grandmother of ten, holding her grandkids and loving them the same that she loved us, I realize that there is no limit on the love that one heart can feel.
Best of luck on your new baby and congratulations on the wonderful gift you have chosen to give your son. A friend for life and partner in crime.

nichole shinners said...

When our second little girl came along ( our girls were each adopted) I had 7 weeks to prepare.
(seemed like a long time since I had 45 minutes to prepare when we got the call for our first) So during that time I worried and felt sad thinking the same things. How can I love another the same as my first? The love comes all on it's own and I fell in love with the person of my second child just the same as I did with my first. The one thing that I had the most hard time with was not being able to have the long lazy uninterrupted days filled with cuddles and nothing else as I did with my first. It was what I wanted most, that same lazy time. But new and different blessing were given to us instead.

chibbylick said...

I remember being a bit worried about this with the birth of my 2nd. My son was 2.5, and we had talked about how we were having another baby, but I'm sure he didn't really get it, how could he? I'll never forget the look of reverent awe on my son's face when he first met his baby sister. It was one of the most deeply spiritual moments of my life. It was love at first sight, which is a comfort now they are 13 and 11, and fight a bunch!
The Chief will be fine, and so will you, CJane!

kelly said...

i never thought it would be the same with the second and although it felt different when he was born it was the second best day of my life! chief will be ok, even with a few "green" days! and all mommies have pregnancy breakdowns at some point!

Trish and Greg said...

Both of my parents have passed away. My mom died first, unexpectedly, so there were no goodbyes. But Dad had time to prepare for his death. He called a family meeting and gathered his nine children (and their spouses) around and talked about the love he had for each of us. He described that love as unique to each child, fitted to their personality and the time he had spent building a parent/child relationship.

He told us that he and Mom worried about making room in their hearts for child #2, after spending 2+ years intensely devoted to all things centered around child #1. And he looked each of us in the eyes, one by one, and shared with us that he had discovered for himself that love was not a finite resource - it seemed to increase, exponentially, with each child. It seemed limitless.

He died a couple weeks later. That was a very poignant experience, one I'll remember as long as I live. I'm very grateful he was able to express his love to his adult children. I'd always felt it, but it was powerful to hear him put it in words.

I'm confident that you and your family will experience the limitless power of love as you welcome this new little one into your hearts and your home.

kwg said...

Our son was 7 1/2 when our daughter was born. I still think he's not so hip with not being the only one, despite it being 5 years later...

That said - a mother's heart grows with each child. It has infinite capability for love! You will love this next baby (and all possible subsequent babes! with as much love you have for your first. I promise.)

And once our daughter is out of the annoying stage (according to the boy), I guarantee she and our son will be fast friends. I certainly am with my 9 year younger sister despite my earliest reservations! :)

Polly said...

Oh this post is so lovely and beautiful. It sounds like such a lovely day, and don't worry, when the baby comes The Chief will love him/ her and they will give each other much joy as they grow up together.
xx

Meeks said...

That is the most GORGEOUS photo!! (do you get a photographer in to do it? or hubby? I just realised I am never in the photo with my kids! I am always the photographer.)

Molly said...

Thank you for this. Today, I go to bring my second child into the world. And my heart has ached for my sweet, special boy who has absolutely no idea what is coming. It's good to know that you're not alone in the sometimes scary land of motherhood and the fears that color my heart with disquiet.

Diana...aka...MeMe said...

I remember that feeling was so strong for me too!! I cried as well for my baby girl and wondered how could I do it to her, how would I love someone as much as her... the good news is it only happens once!! You will be thrilled when the 3rd, 4th, etc. arrive because you'll KNOW just how much love you are capable of giving!! God Bless C Jane!!

Anonymous said...

I had the same exact feelings when my son was 27 months old and my baby girl was about to be born. It turned out great of course, but I felt so bad at first.

Koby said...

Besides life, the greatest gift my mother ever gave me was my sister and my brother.

Koby said...

Besides life, the greatest gift my mother ever gave me was my sister and my brother.

Cindy in PA said...

Thank you for sharing your memory with me. I laughed when you said "Converse, blue with velcro straps," because it tickled my memory of my first born (son) who I bought Nike, blue with velcro straps. His sister came along 2 years and 9 months later.

And today, my 22 year old son buys his own sneakers (sans velcro)and it's a beautiful thing.

Olga Tolbert said...

I also had feelings like I was betraying my sweet little girl. She did take some time getting use to her little sister, and we had a nurse who would come to check up on the baby.(we live in Denmark and that is how they do things here) She said that you need to watch the older one and teach them to be gentle. Also she said once 3 months have gone by they don't even remember life without the little baby. That made me feel good. Plus there are lots of times you still get one on one time with your older child. Like when the younger one takes a nap. My 4 year old loves being a big sister, and is proud of being a big sister.

KZ said...

I had the same feelings when I had my second. I remember going to the park and having a fast food dinner as my son ran around and thinking, this will be the last time we do this with only one child. It is different having two, but my son dotes on my daughter, and she will laugh at him more than she does at anyone else. They will be blessings to each other.

carole said...

Love isn't divided when a new one joins the family; it is doubled (or trebled or quadrupled...)

Katie said...

Like many others...I had the same thoughts. Totally freaked out. My first was the strongest, smartest, cutest baby that ever lived. How could a second possible match that? There was no way I could think that about TWO kids. There was no way I could love my second as much as I loved my first.

All my concerns about having a second baby had to do with my first and how it would affect him.

It took me a while to admit, but I didn't love him instantly like my first. My heart was broken for my first kid. It took about a week. But I can say with conviction that I love him every bit as much as my first. Loving a second doesn't take away some of the love from the first kid. I thought I would have to cut that love in half. Not so. Your capacity to love just expands.

Two really is easier than one (once you're sleeping through the night). I watched my two oldest in primary yesterday and was getting choked up. Though they were both being disruptive, they were communicating (two classes apart) through some secret language only brothers could understand. They truly are BEST FRIENDS.

Sarah Harward said...

Ah, Mother's Guilt. Got to love it. Prepare now for the guilt that comes after the baby comes and you realize that this sweet second baby will never have the undivided attention that the first got. I had a hard time with the mother guilt after my second. By my third I was like 'Such is life, why worry about it?' Good luck!!

Likely said...

I felt the same way court. Here is the post I wrote right before I had my second baby, Oliver.

http://myfriendlikely.blogspot.com/2007/10/week-40-pregnancy-thoughts.html

I remember being really really sad about it.

The Glenns said...

Your love does not get divided when you add a new baby, it get's multiplied.

And your post about your divorce was very touching.

Pamela said...

I remember feeling that way when I was pregnant with our second. I tried to take advantage of all those special moments in the final months of my pregnancy. I am now revisiting many of the same emotions and feelings as we anticipate getting pregnant with baby #3.

Mary said...

My two oldest are 16 months apart and I remember feeling the exact same way. BUT...they were so close, did everything together, held hands when taking a walk, had their own little code. It was awesome and you know what...they are now 18 and almost 17 and they are still best friends. His little sister was the best thing that ever happened!

mary said...

I think every mom has these feelings before the 2nd arrives...I know I did. But Chup is right. The Chief and new wee one will get something so special from each other, that they can't get from a parent. It far outweighs the split of time and attention of having more than one. It'll be an adjustment, an expansion of all things. It'll take some time. But before long it will be a new awesome.

Sara Colket said...

Totally, exactly. You put your finger on what I felt, and what so many feel but are often afraid to say. It totally tore me up. And the dads, they just don't get it. It's ok, we moms, we are special.

Everyone told me that feeling would go away the moment I held my baby...I didn't believe them...but you know what, they were all completely right.

You observed that the Chief is an only child one day, but not the next, his life changed in an instant. That is true, and it will be more than ok for him. But what is also really amazing, and what moms of only two-or-more know, is the way that having another baby will instantly change YOU -- from one who is afraid of how love can possibly expand into one who understands, completely and effortlessly, how it does.

Bridget said...

cjane, my sister totally went through this -- feeling soo guilty when number 2 came around but turns out she didn't split her love, it just grew bigger for both of them. you'll be great.

sistersara said...

You explained to the "T" exactly the way I felt the weeks before I made my only child the "oldest" child. I worried she would never forgive me. But now 2 + years later I can't imagine life without watching my girls grow in their "sisterly" bond!

Great post!

Jumpin J's Mom said...

We had our second in December and I felt the same way you did before she was born. However I found that they are on opposite nap schedules so I get a little alone time with my big boy in the mornings while his sister sleeps and a little snuggle time with the baby while he naps and then in the afternoon we all play together. It's a balancing act some days but totally worth it.

P.S. My son proclaims that his sister is his best friend and that he is hers, perfect!

Sammi said...

Sounds like a beautiful day for you both.

Don't worry, Courtney, being one of a sibling did you no harm, did it? In fact it means that The Chief has all these awesome cousins that appear at his home to play with him, but then go away, whereas his new sibling will be there all the time!

And you have no idea how much love you can give until someone else arrives who needs some love too :o)

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

I SO remember that feeling when I was due with my second.

Gwenevere said...

Days like this I think, They were with their Father, far FAR longer than they are with me. Is there really anything that I can do that will screw up the eternity of learning they had before they came to me?

No, we can't. And as your previous post alluded...There is NO error that the atonement cannot right. Not one. We cannot keep them blemish free (we can try) but truly the best thing we can teach them is how turn to their Father for understanding and forgiveness.

Will anything else matter, if we fail on that account?

(oh and good luck with those pregnancy hormones...their a killer)

Erin said...

I felt the same way you did when I got pregnant with my second son. I was so worried for my first born and so sad that our relationship was going to change. I was upset up until I left for the hospital, crying in between contractions. You'll be fine. When the baby comes you just forget you were ever worried. Plus, since your worried, you'll be more aware of your first borns needs, if that makes sense. My first born adores his baby brother and they are best friends already.

Colleen said...

I have no kids of my own (yet!) but I do have many fur babies...and just when I think I can't possibly love another cat/dog/etc. more than my current loves, I remember this: Love is not divided - it is multiplied!
Oh, and I'm the youngest of 5...and I'm betting my Momma loves me just as much. :) Love you CJane!!

Lindsey said...

My two boys are 4 and 2 1/2. I had the same worries especially because they were so close in age. I felt sorry that both their babyhoods would be lacking because I would be busy caring for the other.

When I had my second I realized:

Your love doesn't split, it doubles, for both of them.

The Chief will always be your baby and your first born, but now you will love him even more because he will be a big brother.

Lisa said...

CONGRATS! YOU'RE NORMAL. Has happened to all of us on that second baby coming. I remember sobbing to my doctor..."How can I possibly love another baby as much as I do my first?" He gently me and said.."You will." and then walked out of the room. 4 babies later.....HE WAS RIGHT!

annie_a said...

everything is going to be all right.
you will find your way.

hugs,

annie_a

kjtroxel said...

You wrote what I felt. I think every mother of one does.
All will be well when little #1 meets little #2 for the first time. There is a sweet, immediate connection that only siblings share. You'll see.
My three sons are the best of friends (throw in a old fashioned thrown down now and then) and I couldn't imagine life with out them!

Lauren in GA said...

I remember feeling similarly. I remember crying because my husband said, "Soon we will be the parents of two children...TWO..."

And I burst into tears and half laughed and half cried as I said, "Now you are just being mean." I couldn't believe it was going to be two.

Anonymous said...

I had all of those same concerns when I was pregnant with my second child. And when he was born I found that my love was multiplied, not divided. You will find a million ways to let the Chief know you love him always.

vanessa said...

Oh man I remember this so well...I did a few of these days with Abby...even though she was only 17 months old and wouldn't remember...but I needed them!

Tony and Whitney said...

Just so you know. . .you don't divide your love, the love multiplies. There will just be more love for this new addition. Love your blog. You're an inspiration and example to me. Thanks.

Kelly said...

You are a good mother CJ

goingflyin said...

Oh you summed up perfectly those feelings from going from 1 to 2. I can remember one afternoon, 38+ weeks pregnant and exhausted. My MIL came over to play with my then 20m old little girl outside in the beautiful spring sunshine. I watched from my bedroom window, I was supposed to be napping, resting and taking it easy. I stood up there for at least 30m sobbing, upset that it wasn't be playing outside, worried that she didn't understand why Mommy couldn't run and play with her like that anymore and feeling from that bottom of my heart I was ruining her little life.

My husband came it not long after. Reassured me that she was not only gaining a sibling, but a best friend, co-conspiritor, partner in crime and so many other things. She would never remember life without her little sister and for that she would thank us.....

Our oldest is almost 7 and that baby is almost 5, they are steadfast friends and I wish I could tell myself then what I know now. I now have a 16m old, it's the one thing I didn't feel with my 3rd pregnancy because I knew everything would be ok.

We live in a Zoo! said...

Unfortunately if you decide to have more after this one, chances are you will probably go through the same thing all over again. I went through that at the end of all three of my pregnancies. With the first I was freaking out because the new baby would take away from the love I have for my husband. With the second I was freaking out because the new baby would take away the love I have for my first born. And with the third it was the same. Now even though I am not planning to have any more kids I still think that if it happened my poor youngest wouldn't be the youngest and how could I do that to her. Experience has taught me that more people simply equals more love for everyone. More to love and more to love you. And there really is nothing like having a sibling. ;D

WendyLou said...

Yup. You nailed it. Whether you're going from one to two, or three to four, or now four to six ::gulp:: those thoughts are the same. Thanks for the post today. Knowing that I've been where you are, and are all the better now for it, gives me confidence to step into the next stage :)

Em said...

yup, totally feelin ya. best thing we ever did was have baby #2 though. she's 6 weeks old now and we are all better for having her. adjustment has been, well, an adjustment! but i'm so glad we were able to enjoy #1 and soak him up and now able to push him on to a little independence. we needed something to make us change too:-) it was a good season of baby #1, but it was a good thing for the season to change.

Tanya and Colin said...

I totally felt that way this time last year! I was so scared of not having enough love for two babies because I loved my first so much. But there is always love to give. And they love each other. Like this morning when my babes went to wake up her big brother and they giggled at each other as he laid in his bed and she teased him. I watched from the sideline loving every minute of it. You'll do great and you'll have more than enough love fro both of your babies.

Becca said...

It will all be o.k. when you see your children meet for the first time. Those are among my favorite moments of my life. Seeing two people you love, love each other.

Anne said...

i had this same moment on the eve of the birth of my second son...it was gut wrenching. so both my husband and i wrote separate letters to our son and put them in envelopes. we wrote about what he was like then, what we loved about him, the things that made him spunky, and in my letter, i let him know how special he would always be to me because he made me a mommy...no one else after him could do that.

MixMingleGlow said...

Every Mama has lived that very meltdown. I agree completely with all the other commenters (sheesh you have so many, I feel the need to read them all before I comment so I don't risk repetition!), but I'dlike to add something else.
First of all, I remember thinking, not long after my second daughter was born, that I felt more like a "Mom" with 2 children. I heard myself saying phrases like "you two" and "be nice to your sister" and "alright girls". It felt much more Momlike.
Even better is the comic relief that comes when you hear yourself utter phrases you never imagined you (or anyone) would say. Things like "No, no, we don't stick a french fry in the baby's nose" and "please stop licking your sister's feet". :)
Might I add a little unsolicited advice? Regardless of circumstances, I have prayed one prayer over and over for my (3) daughters since the 2nd one was born: "Lord, please let them love one another so much that they would choose each other as friends even if they weren't sisters all the days of their lives".
They are 11, 8 & 5 and although they have the normal sibling bickery moments, they will quickly and happily tell anyone about their 2 best friends!

Becky said...

I remember going through the same thing - my boys are 23 months apart. From day one the older brother absolutely loved his little brother. Yes, I felt terribly guilty for his time with just the two of us being so short. You'll feel really terrible when you are asking him to hand you a burp cloth or diaper - but you'll do it, and it won't be damaging to him. You will both adapt and it will be a new life. I wondered how I could love another baby. I worried that I would love one more than the other. I found that when I held my second child it seemed that God had expanded my love by more than 2. My love has grown with each child and I love them completely and equally. God will always make more room in the heart of a mother.
You will be fine and the Chief will be fine. He will seem so much larger when you hold your new baby. You are going to have a great time. My boys are 9 and 7 now. They sometimes fight, but they love each other and I'm so happy that God sent #2 so soon...

Becky

Marianne said...

I have felt exactly as you felt the other day. "It's NEVER going to be the same!!" :(

I had those feelings with every one of my five babies! Don't worry, you'll find a "new normal" and it will feel just right!

BensonFam said...

I remember that moment of panic right before baby #2 came... the concept of having enough love for two when I was so gaga in love and consumed with one? Impossible! But then my Caleb came and of course the love grew exponentially and even though alone time with my Olivia was never the same there came many new and incredible moments that made it okay. Like sweet, loving brother-sister moments. And being squeezed to death by two little sets of arms and realizing that I was a MOM! Anyway - good luck! I know that you will be amazing and so will your little family (and even The Chief!)

Marla said...

Love for your children never divides. It multiplies. You'll see. Simple math.

Michelle said...

Oh how I love thinking back to the days with my oldest little guy before my attention was divided by five. You've summed up my feelings exactly.

Love it...

Cardalls said...

Oh you are SO normal for feeling this way! I remember rocking my 1st child the night before I was induced with my 2nd and just sobbing because I felt like i was ruining him! It will be the best thing that ever happened to The Chief!! In a month he won't remember life without the baby and he will be a better, more well adjusted person for having a sibling!

Robert and Sherry Leal said...

I know exactly how you feel. My son was only 16 months when his little brother was born. It wasn't until my first night home from the hospital that I started to feel the way you described. Guilty, somewhat. I reserved the "going to bed" time of the day for just me and my first born while my husband watched the baby. That first night home, I held my oldest son in the ricking chair, not even able to read his book to him through my tears. I told him I was sorry that we didn't have more time together but we were going to have to get used to it. I rocked him and cried for as long as I thought reasonable then put him to bed. That helped purge a lot of my hormone-induced emotions, but the feelings lingered a bit for about a week. But then they went away. Now I find joy in watching them grow up and interact together. Nearly 7 months later, though, and whenever possible, I still reserve that special night time routine for just my oldest and me. Plus, don't forget how much newborns sleep. You'll have LOTS of time to focus on your son for the first 6 weeks or so after the baby is born. I was surprised at how much stayed the same. Good luck!

Stacie said...

Oh, your post almost made me cry. It feels so familiar. I was feeling the same way exactly one year ago, nearly popping with my second son. "How will I ever love them both??"

It's possible, even though it doesn't seem like it. That doesn't mean it is easy though. And time you try to spend with just one, means the other one doesn't get you in that time. But the moments when you are all together are the best anyway. And now they are getting old enough to play together, and that gives me another reason to cry (for joy this time). You'll be great!

(By the way, this is a first-time comment even though I've been reading for awhile.... My husband says you might know him from the time he spilled the condiments of his hot dog on your blue shirt while waiting on the steps of the London underground in 2001.)

Anonymous said...

I can totally relate. It was in the middle of the night when my husband and I were leaving for the hospital as my contractions were 5 minutes apart. I tiptoed into my 2 year old son's room to kiss him goodbye. I lost it as I looked at him sleeping so peacefully with no idea of what was about to happen. I wept the whole drive to the hospital. But now, 14 months later, I can't understand why I was worried. My kids are becoming the best of friends and I can't believe I have this much love to give!

Sidney said...

ahhhh........this post! brought back tears and memories of how i felt being pregnant (with twins no less) and thinking my little not even 2 year old daughter was going to think her world has ENDED. to be a woman is hard.....to be a mother is harder. you put exactly how i felt about my time with my firstborn and adding more into our family perfectly into words. but you know what?.....of course everything was perfect. she loved those babies right from the start and they are the best of friends. no worries for your chief!

Heather said...

I felt the exact same way. My boys are 21 mo. apart and when I went into labor and was admitted to the hospital & my son had to go home I bawled. I just felt so bad! I think we all do, going from one to two. It's scary, exciting, and territory unknown.

Chup is right. My baby is 8 months old & my older one is so in love with him! Did it take little while? Yes. The first 2 months were a little rough for my oldest, and you just have to make sure he knows he's still just as important and loved. It will be just fine though! You are not going to believe how much your heart can love another exactly the same, and love them both more than you thought possible.

Now I know that no matter how many more I have, my love for them will always be equal, and I love them both more every day. I am so excited for you! It's just amazing. Crazy, but amazing.

Heather said...

Ooooh, Marla summed it up PERFECTLY! I love that! And this picture of you two is just beautiful.

DeWitts said...

love this post. my oldest is five and my second is 6 months. a big gap that i didn't want. i was worried about the same thing plus that they being to far apart in age that they would want to play with each other but it all has worked out and i'm watching them play as i'm writing this. good luck and enjoy the last days with chief.

Todd and Angie Powell said...

I love those days!

Leanne said...

My oldest was 6 months old when we found out we were pregnant with our second. The day we found out, I cried and cried and cried. I couldn't fathom how I could ever love another baby as much as I loved this new one. This sweet little baby that I barely knew. Who hadn't walked or talked yet. Who had just started eating solids. How could we bring a new baby home when we had just brought this new baby home.

I was devastated. And I felt so guilty. Guilty that I wasn't over the moon. Guilty that I was selfishly changing someone's life just like that. And baby #2 wasn't even planned. Guilty.

And then along came baby #2 (as they are apt to do). Baby #1 = 15 months, Baby #2 = 0. Instant love. Instant. More love than I thought humanly possible for both of my children. Just like that.

And, even though, there wasn't a plan to have a family in the way we did, we are a better family for the way it happened. My 1st is a better boy for having his brother. I am better mom. It is the first time I actually knew what being blessed meant.

It made me believe even more that everthere is a plan for us that we don't even know about. That we are cared for in ways that we won't ever comprehend - and that our plans aren't necessarily the best for us.

Was it hard at first? Yep. Would I do things different? Not for anything in this world.

And now, rather than saying 1 was planned and the other was an accident, we say 1 was planned and the other was destiny. Because it was.

Leanne xo

PS - Your little Chief is so blessed that you are his mama. What a wonderful mama to think so much about and for him like you do. He is going to be such a good big brother, you can just tell.

Motherboard said...

This post made me cry all sorts of tears. I remember feeling that when I was pregnant with my first-- How could I love Jefe AND the baby? Then I felt it again with my second baby. And the third. And the fourth.

Yet, amazingly my heart grew all sorts of sizes with every single baby and I was able to love in ways I never thought humanly possible.

It sort of reminded me of Gods Love. Ya know?

Karen said...

I absolutely love that picture. And the Chief will be alright. He gets to be the big brother after all. That's an important job.

Brooke said...

I want you to know that I have felt that way with every subsequent child we have added to our family. I am facing child #6 in two months and thinking, "How can we do this to #5? How can he not be my baby anymore?" It's a completely normal feeling and one I relate to completely.

That said, the kids sure love it every time a new baby comes. I'm sure The Chief (even if it takes a warming up period) will feel the same.

Nicole said...

I can pinpoint the exact second I had those same thoughts. I cried. Hard.

And guess what? An awesome phenomenon....my love wasn't split. It was multiplied. I was so afraid of loving number 2 less than number 1 and rocking number 1's world.

Now that I have three...I have learned that love really CAN multiply. It's so miraculous. And to see my first falling in love with my second was the most amazing thing to witness.

Hang in there. You'll love it.

Brooke said...

oh ceejie, i can't believe in all of our discussions of childbirth we've never discussed this. whenever i'm in labor and looking at my kids, or saying goodbye to my kids, the crying will not stop. it does change. but it's a good change. and you'll find that your heart has the capacity to change with it. love you. and love your tender feelings of motherhood (now you're acting like me)! xoxo

Christine said...

I'm experiencing the same thing right now! But my husband keeps saying it will be great (plus, "We can't unring that bell," he says). I was an only child- he's one of nine- and I always thought I'd want my children to have siblings, but there is a mourning process for your first when he or she is about to be joined by a brother or sister. I'm sure it will be wonderful, but change is always a little bit of an adjustment in the beginning- for everyone:)

-Christine
http://www.monkeycbaby.etsy.com

Lenny said...

Like yourself and many other women posted on here, I too felt the same as you. My little princess was only just one when I became pregnant again for the second time. I found it very hard to want to have another baby when my first was still a baby herself! I feared I wouldnt know how to love another baby that wasnt my lil princess and felt like I was taking her time with me away from her. She was 21 months when her baby brother arrived. As soon as they place your baby in your arms you will understand how you can do everything you feared you couldnt. You wont have to split your love between them as they come with their very own love, you just love them both, nothing changes, you dont have to take a bit of the first childs love to give to the second one, it just all becomes right, kinda hard to explain!!
As for your first child, it probably will be hard at first, I know it was for me, but the part I like the most is knowing that when my two babies are all grown up, they wont ever remember a time without each other, all their memories will be together as a family. They will have each other forever, and theres no greater gift you can give to your child!!
Good luck with your new lil family when the time arrives!! Enjoy every moment, as they will soon be fighting over toys and tearing your home apart!!!! xxxx

dmarie said...

beautiful. we all make memories for ourselves...the kids love the activities, but they have no way to know how much they mean emotionally, until they are parents themselves. or maybe aunties/uncles. :) enjoy. chup is right...giving the chief a sibling will have it's challenges, but it will be the biggest blessing in his life. i know my sibs are to me!!

Kacy said...

Don't worry. Now TV can raise him.

Patty said...

I am way down on the food chain of comments but have one anyway.
Your love for a child is represented as a flame on a candle.
The child's candle.
That flame glows.
Another child comes along and you touch his candle to that love flame.
It does not put out the first flame but takes it on its own candle.
That flame (your love) has enough love to light up as many candles as you want to provide.

Kristi said...

I felt like everyone else did. Guilty my whole second pregnancy. Worried that I could never love this 2nd baby as much.... and how hard it would be to "take some of my love away" from my first to give to my second. I heard an example of a lone candle lit and burning brightly...put another candle to it and it will catch fire (your husband) and the first flame doesn't get smaller. Add another candle (1st child) and let it catch fire...and so on....The love is the same and there's enough to go around. That helped me a lot. When my little ones are older, I'm going to show them the same example to help them understand that my love isn't given to just one of them more than the other......there's enough love and it keeps us all burning. Also, I have loved how my children have someone to play with...even if they fight sometimes, my second child was the best gift I could ever give to my first...and so on.

MonsterBug Blankets said...

awwww, I SOOOOOO felt like this for the first yr of my 2nd's life! I worried that having #2 ruined #1's life. I now know better--they ADORE each other--and having a 2nd helped #1 a bit with realizing the sun and moon did NOT set on her wishes and demands. They have constant playmates--and they are so precious AND rotten together. I am very happy we had another--and #1 is, too!

The Armstrong Article said...

I cried for you... knowing that feeling all too well. My little man is 3 and a half now, and my babe is 10 months old... and it's bliss. Love for your children really knows no bounds. You've heard that before I'm sure.

You got this... it'll be easy and you'll be great!

*Kalin

Charlyn said...

It is sad to lose those days of just you and your baby boy. I loved being a little team together. The night before I went in to give birth to my second boy, I cried and cried all night. My husband even shed a tear or two. We were mourning the loss of our old life. Luckily for us (and you too) our new life was so great too. We brought the baby home and our "only child" didn't think a thing about it. Truly, it was weird that he just accepted that this new little man was in our house to stay. It just takes a little adjustment, a then it feels like normal. And you can have little Mommy and chief dates and they feel extra special just being the two of you :) good luck!!

amy said...

oh yes. our second babe is due in September and I could cry over the joy and fear of it all everyday. right there with you.

Heidi said...

I remember feeling this way when expecting our second child, fearing my first born would never forgive us for having to share the adoration of his parents. A couple months ago that first born, now 8, announced in the car, "Mom, I think we need another baby." We had five kids in six years so I was a bit surprised by his request. I pointed out we have a lot of babies & he said, "I know, but having another baby would make it MORE fun!" It's true - it's crazy and loud and wild around here but his brothers and sisters are his best friends and it's a ton of fun.

Needless to say he was delighted when we discovered our #6 is on the way. :)

Chelsie said...

I'm so glad you made a memory and marked it so well. I wish I would have done the same, in so many parts of my life. Life seems to constantly change, doesn't it? I only usually worry about remembering it after it is too late, so I am happy for you. I will try to pay closer attention to my life NOW. What a blessing you are Cjane.

Joann Mannix said...

Beautiful.

Maybe this will help, a song so lovely in its essence. Elton John from the early days. Go ahead and download it, I promise you, you'll play it over and over again.

"The Greatest Discovery"

Peering out of tiny eyes
The grubby hands that gripped the rail
Wiped the window clean of frost
As the morning air laid on the latch

A whistle awakened someone there
Next door to the nursery just down the hall
A strange new sound you never heard before
A strange new sound that makes boys explore

Tread neat so small those little feet
Amid the morning his small heart beats
So much excitement yesterday
That must be rewarded must be displayed

Large hands lift him through the air
Excited eyes contain him there
The eyes of those he loves and knows
But what's this extra bed just here

His puzzled head tipped to one side
Amazement swims in those bright green eyes
Glancing down upon this thing
That make strange sounds, strange sounds that sing

In those silent happy seconds
That surround the sound of this event
A parent smile is made in moments
They have made for you a friend

And all you ever learned from them
Until you grew much older
Did not compare with when they said
This is your brand new brother
This is your brand new brother
This is your brand new brother

Marisol Avila said...

I remember feeling the same way and even sobbed on my way to the hospital to deliver #2. Plan special things to do with Chief once baby #2 comes along. Thing only he gets to do with you. It will be hard in the beginning for everyone, but God never gives us more than we can handle.

Anonymous said...

Having gone through this just last year I can feel your pain. I bawled all the way to the hospital after saying goodbye to my little big man. It was our last time just the two of us. I knew it would never be the same. And in truth- it isn't the same. It is better in a thousand ways. And harder in other ways, I'm not going to lie. You may be surprised at how well the Chief transitions. Let him help with the baby as much as he can and then put the baby in a sling and get outside. You are blessed to be giving birth right as the weather improves so that will help alot. Can't wait to see this new baby!

DeBie Hive said...

Beautiful. I remember that exact feeling. My only is now the oldest of four, and is the best big brother in the entire world. :)

Konnie said...

I felt the same way when pregnant with my second. For 9 months I grieved at the loss for my precious son. How could we do this to him?

The moment my daughter was born, my perspective changed. I grieved for HER that she would not have 22 months of her parents undivided attention.

Guilt, I guess you learn to live with it.

Now my kids are the BEST of pals, and I cannot imagine either of their lives without the other

The Pisarzewicz Family said...

This is so normal. I had the same grieving for my first baby's perfect little life right before having baby #2. Eventually (think months), there will be a new normal and The Chief will love his new sibling.

Natalie said...

I think most moms go through this before the birth of their 2nd child. In my case, the love was not divided, but multiplied. It doesn't make sense if you're looking at it mathematically....but some of the best things that happen to us as mothers are not logical, just simply miraculous!

Congrats on the journey ahead of you. My oldest child, 2 yrs and 2 months her brother's senior asked when baby would be going back to the hospital when he was 2 weeks old...it does take a while to sink in. But within a year, they were best friends and still are at 9 and 7. And this is a one time only issue...when my 3rd child was born, it wasn't a concern at all...they were both THRILLED from the day their Dad and I shared the news of a new baby with them.

daily mom said...

i loved this post...so touching. the chief is so lucky to have you as his mom..

Anonymous said...

Remember your post of 12/19/06???

It was inspirational.

I run one of your perfectly written lines through my head over and over as we are in the middle of raising a BIG family.

You wrote this. . ."Perhaps we didn't realize it then that the best present our parents ever gave us was, simply, a house full of siblings."

Best Wishes to you all!!!

Samurai Mom said...

I know it doesn't seem possible but you will, suddenly you will find all of this extra love.

Courtney said...

Oh! I know just how you feel. . . I felt that way about my son, when baby number 2 was about to be born. Now son is 3, and baby number 2 (another boy) is 17 months, and they are the best of friends. It is going to be the same way for your and yours. Best wishes!

Rosalee said...

I know exactly how you are feeling. My little boy is currently 19 months and will be about 21 months when our 2nd child (another boy!) comes. Some days I just wonder how things will work out and how my sweet William will take to having to share us. And how will I do sharing my time with two sweet angels? I feel as if you and I are friends even though we've never met. Thanks for your friendship and for your understanding. Good luck to you in these last days!

fe said...

CJane, I just had my second baby--a boy--last Thursday (the 18th of March). I have a 2-year-old little girl. I just cried reading this post because I felt all those same emotions (but was not nearly as good at portraying it in words). I tried to deny even having the feelings of silent depression as I left her asleep at home with her grandfather as my husband and I left that morning for my induction. My little control freak was going to wake up, not know where we were, only to feel her life was coming unraveled by some "baby brother" everyone kept talking about, a concept she couldn't really understand. I even felt a little odd through my joy when he was born, wondering if I really split all my motherly love with this new little spirit. But today, my heart is just so full of gratitide for the joy I feel of having these TWO children. How happy I am to know there is no limit to how far my heart can stretch. My little girl is adjusting and welcoming her brother in a way that is an example to me. Good luck with your new adventure, and know that someone is feeling the very same feelings.

Kelley said...

I thought the very same thing. And then I learned what someone had told me was indeed true, Love does not divide, It multiplies.

Stepi said...

I love your blog like crazy from the first time I read it about a year and a half ago....

I just have to say that I cried for my youngest every time I went to the hospital! I have four now and hearing them all playing together in the other room made it worth it every time!

Brimaca said...

I remember feeling exactly like this. My mom kept saying, "Millions have already gone through this honey." But it didn't ease it. I know how you feel.

gunnfam said...

Gotta love those hormones. We are due the same day, only my kiddo is breech so I'm scheduled for a c-section. When we found out the news last week I gave into the hormones and got really depressed. My husband asked if it was possible to get post-partum depression before the baby comes.
COMPLETELY!

R.G. said...

I remember feeling this way when I was expecting pur second child. But it was easier than I ever expected.
I like to think that when we are pregnant with our ever expanding bellies, our hearts are growing too. You will give birth (or add through adoption) and find that there is somehow more room in your heart. Your capacity to love grows with each child. It is a miracle and another blessing of being a mother.

Chrissy Jo said...

My babies are only 12 1/2 months apart. I secretly felt so bad for my little Alec that he was loosing his babyhood, and the worst was when other people would say things like "Oh, sweet boy. You're too little to be a big brother!" I wanted to cry every time.

Now my babies are 2 and 3 and in a heartbeat I would go through that first hellish year of having two babies 12 months apart. They are EVERYTHING for each other. They are so LUCKY to have each other. And as I watch them walk together, hand in hand I can't help but say thank you to a Heavenly Father that gave me such a wonderful surprise.

Julie said...

Wow! I have tears streaming down my face right now! I have four kids and my oldest is a 10 year old boy but I will NEVER forgot the good times we had together before baby #2 was born. We were little buddies...McDonalds, the park, the mall and our favorite...Costco to eat the samples. (hey, we were super poor BYU students at the time!) I can so relate to these feelings since I experienced them too!
As for ruining his perfect life, when my 4th child was born it ROCKED my 3rd child's world. I remember laying down on his bed with him one night as he lay crying and out of sorts and I just started to BAWL! I held on to him tight and apologized for disrupting his little world. I was so heart broken for him! But, as with everything, we all got used the new normal and I hold those moments close to my heart! Isn't motherhood great????

ForeverRhonda said...

Imagine this...my son is 9 years old..he will be 10 this year and I'm about to get married (for the second time) and then we're planning on having a baby. My son has been my ONLY baby for almost TEN years and now he'll have to share me. How can I possibly love another child as much as I have grown to love him in TEN years??? I totally know how you are feeling. But they (whoever they are) say that you love the second just as much. Like "tharker" said your heart just expands.

Anonymous said...

I cried my eyes out the day my second baby was born. I remember dropping my first baby off to go to the hospital to deliver the second and I cried all the way there. One door closing and another opening. Then I felt guilty for crying about it. The new baby slept so much that there is lots of bonding time for the first born. Besides he really be excited about the new baby, I promise!

Tami said...

I heartily agree with the other ladies discussing those feelings of guilt. As you know firsthand, it is such an odd feeling. To be so excited about the new baby, yet sad to see your precious family of three expand.
Don't worry about the love, you have more than enough. I was really surprised at how smoothly our family adapted when our second child was born. It was like she had always been there.
One thing that was helpful in the transition. I would make a point to verbalize to the baby, "you need to wait for just a minute. Mommy needs to help your big brother, and then I'll be right there." Of course the newborn didn't understand, but my little boy did. He was able to see that mommy thought his needs were important as well.
Good luck to you in the upcoming labor, and readjusting to a family of four. You will be fabulous.
I've never commented before, but I read your blog often. I think you are great, so please ignore those who are not kind.
--Tami

Melissa said...

You must be so close...this happened exactly 2 weeks before my daughter (The Chiefs age now) was born. Such guilt and so much bittersweet-ness surrounding my dear sweet baby boy, right up to the second I left for the hospital. And then I fell in love all over again.

Soak it up. Love and nibble on him and enjoy his smallness. He will become a GIANT overnight. But alway, ALWAYS the baby that made you a momma.

Brina said...

Thanks for your honesty CJane, I can tell you I felt this exact way when we found out not only did we have a suprise child on the way, but there were 2. So three years later :-) I can tell you how amazing it has been to have taken "the only child" title away from our son. It is a daily gift to watch them play together.

This is my first comment, so I have to let you know you are my daily indulgence when I start up my computer for work. Thanks for giving us a window into your life.

KimandAbe said...

I'm not going to lie...there's nothing like your first child. I have 5. But, as long as each know they're loved...you've done your job. You are right...the rest is for you. I wish I figured that out sooner. Drink it all in.

Beth said...

When I had my 2nd son, my first was 19 months old. I ruined his little life by bringing a baby home.

He was mad. Not at dad, not at baby, but at me. For weeks and weeks. When I would sit to nurse the baby he would just scowl at me.

I cried and cried. I thought I broke my family. My older son would be resentful, the baby son would be neglected.

Then one day it changed. Big brother loves baby. He gives kisses. When big brother gets up from nap he asks, "Baby?"

My favorite moment I have had as a mother was watching my two boys cuddle on the couch while watching Signing Time.

It's tough, but we have given our boys a great gift, each other. And I hope I can ruin their lives with more siblings in the future.

Your post was beautiful and made me cry. Thank you!

Juli said...

Crying as I've been having those feelings today, one week and one day after having my third child. My first are 3 and 2. Thanks for making me feel like someone understands.

edenland said...

That is such a beautiful post. Precious.

I felt this way when I had my second. Indeed, I look over at my first born now and wonder who this gangly pre-teen is??

So excited for you cjane. It's going to be wonderful and hard and astounding and difficult and miraculous.


You will love it XOX

by...K@ Ashcroft said...

This quite possibly could be my favorite post of yours to date.
My oldest just turned 21 last week, many states away, preparing to deploy to Afghanistan in the summer.
One of my strongest memories of he and I together is one that only I can recall. It was March 12th, late at night and went in his perfectly decorated room and sat and tried with all my heart to imagine what he would be like. You see, he and I hadn't met face to face yet, we shared body fluids and we knew each others heartbeats but I had no idea whether he was even a boy or a girl. I do however, feel we shared that moment together where I whispered to him and rubbed my belly and told him how much I loved him no matter what was in store for us.
Less than two years later we introduced him to his baby sister in our warm bed moments after she arrived and he adored her. I have the pictures to prove it.
It will be great, and you will remember and cry once more.

Ruthanne said...

Just think, only he got all that one on one time with you, so don't feel too guilty about kicking him out of the spot light!

JRose said...

I already feel this way and I'm not even expecting a second because my first is only 6 months old!! Hubby has already raised the issue of having another and I was immediately saddened by these exact thoughts. Congrats on your little soon-to-be bundle!

Katie Price said...

I felt the same way when I had my first - except I was worried about the dog! And then when my second came, worried about the first, and so on. It's a huge leap of faith, and you will continue to have those days where it's hard. But as soon as their here, it all makes sense. And it's awesome.

Melissa said...

Oh~ CJane~ I felt the same with my second. In fact, I wanted to postpone delivery because I knew once my second was born that my first would no longer be the baby. (What pregnant woman wants to wait? I thought!) I even cried standing over his crib as I was in labor and leaving him sleeping with family while I went to the hospital. My heart was breaking. I wanted to be with my baby. He was only 18 months old after all.

But, when my daughter was born, I loved her so much too. And I knew she'd found the place in my heart designed for her the first time my son bit her. (She was two days old!) That protective instinct kicked in and I think I was surprised by those strong emotions! But so thankful to see how much I loved and cared for this wailing child!

Now, they are such a great compliment to each other! So polar opposites! I didn't realize what we were missing until we were blessed with all those missing pieces! YOu too will see that as you build your "puzzle", it is so much more beautiful as a whole than individual pieces!
Congratulations on your new venture. You're gonna love it!

Anonymous said...

Beautiful thoughts.

In case you have not picked out a name... I thought of you when I heard this name: Moriah (or even Morah).
"Moriah is thus associated with divine providence, and known as 'land of the vision'. It is of Hebrew origin, and its meaning is "the hill country". Also possibly 'the Lord is my teacher'."

Congratulations!

Aubrey said...

This was a sweet and tender post. You have a lot of good changes ahead. But change can be hard, no matter how good it is, and it's okay to really feel uneasy about it all. But the Chief will love having a sibling. Even if it takes a while to get used to it and there are a lot of eye pokes and fits along the way.
And you will love that baby. With all your heart. And I bet you will find that you will love your little Chief even more than before. A mother's heart just works that way.

The crazy Shaw Family said...

Cjane,
go talk to your mom! she has had to do this before! I bet you dollars to doughnuts, that she had the same feelings, and survived, plus, gave you and your siblings a wonderful life! Did you ever feel slighted, because you were not the only kid? (highly doubt it!)
1st babies are a wonder, they get the best and the worst of us as mothers. they break us in, so to speak. I speak from experience, having done it 4 times. It doesn't get easier, but it becomes more and more worth it!
This is completly normal, and you will get through it. Just hug the Chief extra close, and repeat after me: "You are my baby, and soon you will be a big brother, and I will still be your mommy! Forever!"
There's no denying that expanding our families is hard, scary and sometimes painful. But it is so worth it.

Gingerlylizzy said...

Oh... the lovely hormones. Don't worry... your love won't "split", only DOUBLE. I am now expecting number four and it still amazes me how my heart will expand a fourth time filling my being and home with even MORE love. And Chup is so right... what a gift a sibling is. Think of your own... now consider what life would have been like had they never existed. One thing I did when my daughter was about to join our family and end my son's run as an "only child", was to continually refer to her as "his baby". He still feels that way about her now that he is 7. They are as close as can be. What I couldn't get over when he was born was how GIANT he had suddenly become overnight. I was not changing a tiny bum anymore, it was now a GIANT bum. I think that was the hardest part for me. My baby went from being a baby to a big boy overnight. But it still, will be absolutely fabulous. Hugs!

Asha said...

Cried my eyes out the day we brought my daughter home (my son was 2 at the time)for the same reason you are!!!

Anonymous said...

I let my son sleep with us the last couple of nights before my second was born. It was a sacred bonding for us.

I think when this life is over and we can "see our lives on the big screen" our children will remember those tender moments and thank us for them.

Rebekah Greiman said...

I have a good friend going through this very thing. I have no children, and didn't really understand what she was going through. Thank you for helping me understand her better!

Carol said...

Oh my Courtney - LOVED this post - it brought tears to my eyes and joy at the same time. =)

Homa said...

This is something that happens with every subsequent child. I felt that way when I was expecting my second and again with my third.

Christina said...

I am so glad to be reading the comments on this post...I am 33 weeks along myself, and my little boy is my WORLD. I feel such guilt and sadness that our little world of "just the three of us" is coming to an end in just a few short weeks. I cry as I sit and rock with him in our cuddle time before bed wondering if we'll still be able to do this and if our little routines we have will still continue. And I just feel so soooo sad! I've been crying the last 15 minutes now reading this...but every other mom seems to say the same thing so that makes me feel a little better.

Hannah Banana said...

I'm pregnant with my 3rd. I am feeling like you even though I should know that it will be all ok, as it was with the birth of #2. I also felt like this for the first 2/3 weeks. I mourned the end of the one-one relationship with my firstborn. What helped was us both going to bed together to sleep at 6.30pm (believe me you are THAT tired you'll practically be jumping into bed if it's possible) and that quiet snuggle time - just him and me - helped with my grief. My eldest didn't have any negative feelings - loved that he was the new big brother. It was all me. My view on the relationship. My view on what I was doing to #1.... And like countless others have said, my love never divided and it all worked out marvously and I can't imagine my life without #2 in it (who is now 2.2yrs and will be 2.4yrs when baby #3 is born).... It's like deja-vu all over again as I cry with hormones about why Mr H and I saw fit to alter the status quo and our happy family life as it is right now... As of right now, I'm feeling that #3 is going to throw off the balance. I have Mr H reminding me that all will be ok, and in a short time I'll marvel at how I can't imagine my life without #3 in it....

criticalcrass said...

apparently i'm on a words-of-wisdom-from-the-women-of-steel-magnolias kick. yesterday, ouisa's attitude and comments came to mind. today it's truvy.

"i really wish we had some words of wisdom, but i don't, so why don't we just focus on the joy of the situation."

criticalcrass said...

yesterday, i had ouisa in my head. today's it's truvy.

"i really wish we had some words of wisdom, but i don't, so why don't we just focus on the joy of the situation."

and i LOVE that picture of you and the chief. maybe you should print out this blog entry, pair it with that picture and frame it up pretty for his room.

handelin said...

I know everyone has said this, but I thought I'd add my thoughts as well. I felt this exact same way! I felt like I was somehow betraying my daughter! I was a mess. And I began to look at everything as our "last chance" to do this or that together. I was set to be induced on a Thursday and has planned to spend the whole day on Wednesday with my daughter...and then my son came early on Tuesday night. I was so upset I had to be talked into going to the hospital despite my water breaking and horrible labor pains! Anyway, hang in there. You are totally normal and it does work out. Your son might even struggle a little with the transition, but in time he won't remember what it was like to not have a sibling and it will be exactly as it should be!

Life on the edge ... said...

love those eyes - what a Chief! He's blessed to have such a mami.

stephanie joy said...

oh man... i think all mothers of more than 1 child can empathize. really. i had these exact, and i'm telling you, exact feelings before i had my second babe. just wondering, "will i really be able to spread the love around?!" and you CAN!! that's the amazing thing. love just multiplies and multiplies. you can't even imagine how much you can love both of your babies! and all the rest to come afterward. you will be a great mama to two babies! hang in there though... this is an emotional time. and this really is THE BEST gift you can give him. siblings are amazing!! for you and for him! it will be so special and amazing. just wait for it. especially as they get bigger.

just enjoy these last little moments... and try not to be sad, but if you are, just think of all the majorly happy times to come.

hugs to you!!

Kristin said...

Beautiful picture of you and your baby boy.

Just Me said...

I remember that feeling, my daughter was not even 22 months when my son was born, she kids knew what was happening but not really. She hated other babies for a long time after I got preggo and before my son came. But let me tell you, she walked into my hospital room, climbed up on my bed looked at me, said "give me my bro-der" and stuck the bottle from the table in his mouth.
Now they are 2 and just 4, they argue over toys, but they love each other in a way I can't understand. Tonight my little boy told his sister he loved her at bed time, we've never told him to say that at bedtime and didn't prompt him tonight, and my little girls face lit up the whole room.
He won't have his parents all to himself, but now your little boy will have a sibling to love like no other.

elka said...

i had these same concerns before the birth of my second boy. panic. pain. guilt. when they handed the new baby into my arms, and i was able to place the baby into my 2.5 year olds, i knew we were more complete. our family circle closed a little more, and i look forward to the day when i feel our family is full. it's amazing how love just increases. we were blessed to have a third, and my heart is just bursting.

thorney said...

Wonderful day as a family.

I felt the same way when I was pregnant with my second child. The Chief is going to love his new baby and may not like sharing you, at first, but even that will fade into the distance and love will abound.

Have fun with The Chief and make each day special.

Love, Mari

Magdalena said...

This is why I read your blog - one of your best posts.

Heather said...

(I apologize, I haven't read all the comments. Skimmed the first... fifty?)

I knew when I saw the photo I would be a little weepy at this post :)

Mine was 5 when his baby sister came. A long, long, long-awaited little baby wanted by all of us. And it's blissful, and so easy.

BUT, honestly, as wonderful as now is, and better than when I was longing for another baby... it is a loss, too. There was a grace in our days as mama and son that is less present now. I'm not complaining. What has replaced it is better and more shimmering still. But it still is a loss, the same way that I can celebrate the 6yo I have now but still miss the baby he was.

Cortney said...

I didn't have time to read all the comments (and I don't know how you do it!) so someone might have already said this, but each time you have another child it's like you grow a new heart just for them. You love each child, not necessarily the same, but just as deeply. And one of the most rewarding parts of parenting has been watching the relationship between my children develop. It's not cupcakes and roses every day, but there are moments watching them together that make me think that home really can be a heaven on earth when we are filled with love. Sounds cheesy, yes, but you could hear the music in your head, right? :)

Kimberly said...

Didn't your sisters warn you about this? This happened every time there was to be a new one in the house for us.

Suddenly I would feel like I was betraying my existing child(ren) for that very uncomfortable (by month nine) bump that I really didn't have true attachment to.(It happened with every pregnancy-- even number five...slow learner or hormones?..)

Don't worry. It will go away and suddenly you will breathe a sigh of relief as you realize that your first child is still adorable to all and a mother's love really does multiply exponentially. And the best part-- you won't always have to be the one to play 'trains' on Saturday morning!

Michemily said...

Thanks for the sound out. There is also a link to my thesis on my blog if you'd like to read it.

Love,

Michelle

Carrie said...

I mistakingly thought my affection would be divided as well. It's not though; it's multiplied.

Teachinfourth said...

Jed's photography never ceases to amaze me.

Micah C said...

It is so nice to hear someone one else feels the same way. I thought I was the only one. I usually have my melt down during the first trimester (still there), so I have had thougts of - I am ruining their lives and our perfect family 3 times now! And so far every time it all works out and you could never imagine life without them.

joolee said...

i remember feeling the same way - so sad my little girl wouldn't be the only child, wouldn't be the only one to play with, to spend time with, etc. how could child #2 be so cute and loveable?

when i was having initial contractions with #2 in the middle of the night, while waiting for my mother-in-law to show up so we could head to the hospital, my daughter woke up in her crib and I got to spend a few moments with her, just rocking her and knowing it wouldn't be long before I was holding another baby in my arms. i was so sad our time with just us was ending! it was almost like she knew what was happening and didn't want me to put her back into her crib.

but I did, we went to the hospital, and as soon as baby brother came out, somehow i began to love him just as much. i don't know how it happens - your head can't process those feelings before that second baby comes. but it happens. and now i almost can't remember life without him.

good luck with the baby - it will be so wonderful to add another little to your family! the chief will suddenly seem like a monstrous toddler. and he will grow to love his younger sibling, i promise. enjoy your last days alone with the chief! i myself am enjoying my last days with 2 until baby #3 comes in July - i know i won't be able to leave my house for awhile! but it's a bit easier to anticipate because my son and daughter are both older and so excited to have a new sibling. we'll see how our transition goes...

Vicky said...

I remember those same feelings...and even shedding tears over them as you did. But they're not true. As many have already said, they are multiplied; many times over. Great post!

Doty Family said...

I just got all teary eyed! I went through the exact same thing. It's amazing how our hearts expand and there is always enough room for more love. What a sweet memory for you.

Kari said...

I know exactly what you are experiencing. When our son was 17 months old, we found out our planned 2nd child was actually going to be twins. I cried for our son and how it would change his life and how it wasn't going to be fair to him. Fortunately, he loved babies (and still loves babies) and his comment was "anudder one?" when we introduced him to his 2nd sibbling.
It will be ok. It just means more people in his life to love.

andrea said...

I still remember vividly, even though it was almost 7 years ago, holding my then 19 month old 1stborn daughter as she was going to bed for the night and crying because the next morning I was going to the hospital to be induced and give birth to my son. I felt the same way. I was going to rock her little world as I would be stretched between these two little people that both would want my 100% attention. I will not lie. It was hard. I was exhausted. But now, they are fine. I am fine, and I wouldn't have done it differently....except magically make more hours int he day appear, and magically slow down time as they are all growing up too fast!

Oh, and it wasn't as hard on me the 3rd time around. I knew it would all be okay. You'll have to try it to see if it's the same for you! ;)

Natalie said...

i completely melted on saturday because my son (who will start school in the fall) dropped his lunch, yet again. i got into my mind what would happen if he did it at school, imagined him embarrassed in front of other kids and starving for the rest of the day and just fell apart. honestly, it still upsets me when i think about it too much. thank heavens it's always a little better after a nap/rest.

Anonymous said...

Thank you! I'm pregnant with our 2nd and my first is 9mos, I'm already anxious and scared for our first born. I ache that I won't be able to give him the attention he needs, even though it'll be good for him to share it.
-a

Emily said...

I understand perfectly. I am currently in your shoes. A 2.5 year old boy- my world- and a baby coming any day now. Hormones and emotions! Good luck!

Lucia said...

Just like you and everyone else I worried about it too. But after #2 was born it was even more painful because it was reality. I quickly discovered that if I invited my oldest to come help me, all the pleas for attention, were forgotten, and she was lost in her own responsibility. she was barely 2 at the time just like yours, but I let her help change diapers, burp the baby, etc. of course I was doing most of it, but she was helping. Good Luck, I find comfort in knowing God chooses their position in the family. It'll work out perfect.

aynzan said...

Your son will adapt to the change instinctively and love will come unconditionally .

Cheers!
www.aynzan.blogspot.com

URFAVE5 said...

I felt just like you when I was about to have our second child. I felt so bad for him. However, he handled it all just great, or so I thought he was. Until one day when our second son was about 6 weeks old. He had extreme colic. The poor baby cried all the time. SO one afternoon I was attempting to get ready for the day, which was usually a joke anyway, their sat my second child crying and crying and it didn't matter what I did he just kept crying and crying So I continued to try to just hurry and get ready. My oldest came toddling in and said, in his sweetest little voice, "O.K. I don't think this baby likes it here. So whens his family comin to pick him up?" I didn't know whether to cry or laugh. I gently said, "Sweetheart, we are his family, no one is coming to get him." To that he replied, "Well maybe I will get some earplugs." They are now best of friends at ages 15 and 12. Hang in there and know that your feelings are all normal but I promise somehow it all works out!

Take Care and enjoy every second of the Chief that you can!

connorlove said...

I've been reading your blog since that fateful August, and stop by now and again. I have two littles and so want more, your post about "what are we doing" moved my heart deeply. I get it, and it is perfect. Abundant blessings for you and your wonderful expanding family.

Cathy said...

Funny - my sympathies when pregrant with my second fell to that baby in my belly. Never to be the "only", never to have the full focus of my motherly love. A neighbor calmed my fears when he shared that each child is born into a different family - upon the arrival of the second we are experienced parents and that new baby will have an older sibling to be part of his life to help with the hurdles of life.
Change is just that. And you will amazed - love is limitless and nothing illustrates that like the arrival of another child.

Kristin said...

Beautiful.
You expressed that feeling so well.

Tammy (Mom to this crazy bunch) said...

i have felt that way so many times i've lost count... no really it has been 9 times... and each time it has been for nothing...

Erin McDonald said...

My mother said she cryed all the time when I was only a year old and my brother was six months away from his arivial to our family, thinking "How will I ever love another child as much as I love my little girl?" She also confessed to me the other day that she didn't even go to a Dr. appt. until she was five months pregnant with him just living in denial of it all. I hope you as my mother did found it in her heart to love another, oh and you will!! have a wonderful time with him now while he has your undevided attention. And maybe you should get him a baby of his own to tote around!
erin:)

GreerAnn said...

i can not thank you enough for writing this post. i just had my first baby, a girl, in november and already i have been thinking about how i will feel when we get pregnant again. i know i want siblings for her, as well as a big family surrounding my husband and i when the kids are older, but it is hard to fathom how i can share myself with more babies! there is so much guilt in becoming and being a mother, and i think women are scared to admit it. you writing this made me feel so much better about my anxieties. can't wait to hear how the transition goes!

I am Lorinda W- you can call me LoW said...

My sister just shared this on my family site and I thought of you writing this post and had tho share.

From a book by Bess Streeter Aldrich "And now, Abbie's love was divided between two babies. No, that is not true. There is no division nor subtraction in the heart-arithmatic of a good mother. There is only addition and multiplication"

Kara Herron said...

Just reading that first part of this post brought memories racing back. I remember quite clearly, the day my second son was born. Our friends came over and got our little son, Grant, before we headed for the hospital, and as Rick and I watched him walk away, Rick said... "His life is changing. It will NEVER be the same from this day forward. And he doesn't even know what's happening." And it did - change. But, it just got better. Now we have 4 wonderful boys. Ages 22, 19, 15, and 13. Life's been a trip! Good luck. Oh, and I love that beautiful picture.

-Kara

Jennifer said...

I think all moms feel this when faced with adding to their child. The only analogy I can share is that it's like being the Grinch after he at the roast beast. His heart grew three more sizes. For all the fullness, love, and awe that you have now, you get more for another child. Love expands and grows.

And the really cool thing is that you get to feel that in love, newborn intoxication while your love expands and changes as you see The Chief grow and evolve. Your love gets to be in various phases/stages for each of your family members.

In other words...it's awesome in the truest sense of the word.

c jane said...

I love these sweet assurances, thank you everyone.

In the meantime, I am going to eat up the time we have left.

Mindy said...

I wondered how on earth I would do it all when I was gestating with my #2. Then my world took a major turn when I had another girl. Being an only daughter with three brothers, I was freaked out about being a mother to more than one daughter, having a relationship like I have with my mom, with each daughter.. scary.
Daunting.
And now I have 3 of them.
It all works out.
We can do it.
We have the BEST help in the universe.

Rachel said...

What is the chief's real name? I don't think I've ever seen you write it....

ashleigh said...

My son and daughter are a year and 20 days apart... I understand exactly how you feel! But they will be best friends!! And when my husband brought our son to see his new sister for the first time it was like he always new her and he kissed her and claimed her as his! Your son might not get whats going on the way you think he does but he wont ever forget the love you have for him! And he knows its not getting shared with his sibling only its growing!! Good luck!