Sunday, July 20, 2008

This Post Is Dedicated To Bobby Because I Am Trying

Bobby, as snatched from her own blog

After reading Bobby's inspiring post over at Segullah this weekend I sent her a text to tell her that I was going to mediate the estrangement that I now have with my postpartum body. It grew a human baby. It now feeds the human baby. It can even still do a hesitant back bend (please don't request a preview). And so what if it carries some baby fat? SO WHAT?

But after I sent the that text I proceeded to eat my way through the weekend. It started with a bean burrito with green chili sauce, moved on to some flax-seed chackers (chip/crackers) with a plate of cheese and ended with a chocolate meringue cake a la Azucar. In addition, I drank my way to severe water retention with all sorts of wanton beverages. Not even my failed Sunday evening apple tart went untouched. I ATE AN UNDERCOOKED TART.

So here I am, feeling ashamed, bloated and confused. On my way to exploring positivity with my body relationship I am finding that I am reverting back to my eating addiction. Now I am forced to see that the energy I formally devoted to body-chagrin is now being consumed by eating. DO YOU SEE THE PROBLEM HERE?

But one thing is certainly making me feel better. My sweet sister Stephanie discovered a youtube music video of a silly boy from my bygone high school years making an absolute monkey-fool of himself (I lack the vocabulary to describe) and sent me the link. The video features him, his hair and a special picture of a blond girl in a santa suit. In addition to him lip synching to his own score, he stares into the camera a lot and even flexes his muscles? near the end. Think: Junior High, and then think: thirty-one-year-old man. I watched it today and in that same vein of a good belly button prodding, watched it five more times thereafter. It might have been just the tool I was praying for because the whole production actually made me lose my appetite. That is right. UP AND GONE.

I did what any good friend would do and sent the video link to all of my high school friends so that they too could forgo their appetites. Not that any of my high school friends need to lose weight. Most of them look thinner than their senior picture. I wore a black shiny vest in my senior picture so what does it matter anyway? ANYWAY?

I guess I should probably warn you that the next time you see me I am going to be skinnier. Instead of diet and exercise I am just going to use the video for insta-denial of body. Not that it matters because remember? I am going to make peace with my postpartumness. But I can't help remembering the good times I had in non-maternity clothes. Like the one time I wore a belt for fun. FOR FUN.