Last night, over dinner, I had a slight panic attack. I felt like someone had lit a fire in my feet and it slowly started burning up my body until my head felt like it was going to explode. I was sweating, I was anxious, I was dizzy.
I ran outside in the sub-zero temperatures until I felt like my blood had cooled. When I returned Chup, confused, asked "What was that all about?"
We tried to analyze the whole episode. Am I stressed? What am I stressed about? Is it the floating feeling of maternity sickness? Is it the Big Change that is speeding around the corner?
We didn't come to any real conclusions last night. But no matter. I know the remedy: The happiness-realization technique. Perhaps, in between the lack of energy, the vomit sessions, the feeling control-less I've forgotten how lovely my little life is . . . like this afternoon.
With the help of my over-stuffed puffy coat I sit in the sun at noon. It's just me, and the birdies, in my backyard. My body laps up the vitamin D. I feel The Chief rolling around--in-utero somersaults--and I wonder if he'll be a gymnast, or a stunt devil in some awesome Western.
When my ten minutes are up, I go back inside and resume some reading I've been wanting to finish. I read about the physical make-up of little boys and how their bodies change and adjust to massive hormones. I read about Einstein's brain. Then I try to follow some philosophical comparison of religious and non-religious women in India. In the middle of the article I am hopelessly lost and I allow academia to defeat me. Instead, I admire my new braided pillows from Target.
I eat two homemade chocolate chip cookies from my well-loved glass cake pedestal. I check my e-mail for Chup's daily love letter. My house is quiet. I decide to nap. When I am asleep I dream about a house full of noise and I awake to hear the road repair crews outside my window.
Lucy and Ric show up with a little present from the jewelry shop. I suck on a cup full of Sonic crushed ice. Chup comes home from work in his handsome navy pea coat. He looks at me with a devilish grin. Then he goes for a kiss.
(Still blushing. )
See? Nothing to panic about.
If you'd like to help in my calm-down cause, you can tell me about something that is lovely in your life. And, how do you like your hot chocolate?