Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Eight, Nine, Tan

I've got a tan, and you know what? Everyone has taken a notice. It's a real genuine glowing tan bestowed upon my freckled face by the Sun in all of it's celestial glory. Not the bottled B.S. Jergens bit-o-lotion on aisle 2.

Yes, I know about skin cancer, but I think it's one of those made-up cancers like toenail cancer and eyeball cancer (the cancer suckers out there! For real!) But just as a precaution, I wear sunscreen (also from aisle 2) that smells like coconut. Nothing brings back memories like sunscreen smells. One slather and I am basking on a deck chair at Vacation Village on Laguna Beach. Don't tell me you haven't been there.

People keeping asking if I've been gardening. Excuse me? Garden? This early in the year? I've got like 15 more months to rake, weed and spill fertilizer before next winter. Why in dandelion's
dandruff would I start this early? Besides I just turned 30. I don't have to get into gardening for at least 20 years. Everyone knows that turning 50 years old means gardening is a requirement. Right now, I just focus on looking hot.

Which brings me back to my tan. I am starting to peel, just a little, by my nose. I keep the whole area doused with coconut oil. I also use coconut oil when I cook Thai. Oops, that is coconut milk.

Are you are going to stop reading my blog because I mixed up coconut oil with coconut milk? Before you go to extremes, please note: Confusion is totally normal. A human-characteristic really.

I am confused, are we talking about my tan?

It's just that as I was typing that last sentence I heard a scuffle noise from the backyard. I don't get spooked very easily, but this noise was very scary and simultaneously our light sensor jumped on. I am sending Chup out to investigate. Before he leaves though, I need to ask him certain questions about our life insurance policy. Like, if we have one.

But saddest of all is that I'm so scared I'm practically white as a ghost. Which, as you can imagine, isn't good for my tan.