Monday, October 16, 2006

I Know What You're Thinking And It's Not That

It's always an education, reading my blog.
Today we are going to talk about ov-u-la-tion. That is right, the big O (er, the other big O). And for the 4 men that read my blog DON'T YOU DARE STOP READING WUSSY!
I get asked all the time how one knows when one is ovulating. There are 2 types of women on this planet:
A. Those that ALWAYS know when they're ovulating because they are TRYING to be pregnant. And
B. Those who NEVER KNOW because they can get pregnant effortlessly even though their husband is on a month-long business trip in Boston and they just so happen to THINK of each other at the right moment.
I come from generations and generations and gener-a-tions of women who are the Presidents of the Club that experiences the latter of the 2.
Still waiting for my parents to admit that I am adopted. A lot of questions would be answered. 1 question: Why am I more Jewish than my siblings?
Carry on.
There are three common ways to know for sure whenst you are in the throes of ovulation:
1.) The Basil Body Temperature method. You wake-up, stick a thermometer in your mouth and record the number on a special chart that has your name on it. When that glorious morning comes to pass when your temperature jumps a degree or so, It is occurring. At that point you don't get up and feed the dogs, you wake-up your spouse to his happy non-chagrin grin.
2.) The Basic Instinct method. It's that time of the month where you feel as though the deep cavity of feminine fertility has opened and your heart beats to the sound of the universe which is calling up your undomesticated magnetism, the extremities of your constitution longs to be generative, your organic protoplasm cannot--though it may try--deny the particles of passion floating in your blood. Please know what I say.
3.) The Baseline method. You can buy a ovulation kit that determines your LH surge. Which is a lot like a pregnancy test. See: Photo Above.
A combination of all 3 is a good idea. 1 without 2 is boring. 1 and 3 together sans 2 is rather dreadful. Basically 2 is nice in any combination platter.
I choose to rely on 3. As you can tell from the photo, my LH surge was detected on day 11, which is why there is a big fatty butt exclamation mark next to the 11 on the detector. I like to say "detector" rather than "stick." I also choose 3 because it may be the only time in my life where I urinate on a detector and I get 2 lines. Heaven help me.
Day 11 is a little early in a cycle for ovulation, since around Day 14 is considered "normal" but who invented "normal"? Normal would be if my parents would just say, "Ok, you are adopted! Alright?"
As you can see in the photo above, my toothbrush is red.

And now you know more than you ever wanted to know about your friend and companara cjane. 2 true.