Wednesday, December 21, 2005

All You Want For Christmas Is For Me To Be Fat

The neighborhood hath conspired against me. They have calculatedly planned a plan where they deliver goods (goodies, peanut snacks) to our home every hour or so. Making sure that by December 31st I will be fat (phat).
I am still decoding.
Maybe it has to do with retribution for a dog that escapes and looks to destroy their immaculate lawns and/ or lawn ornaments (in great numbers around here).
So I have been throwing the goods (goodies, peanut snacks) away, just in case they are laced with sodium phoscorophate (deadly stuff).
But in other news, I went to pick up my Christmas turkey from The School District. When they can't scrounge up enough money for what other companies refer to as a "bonus" we get turkeys. They make it this big affair and print these pretty large (pretty and large rather) tickets that you present to a person who sits outside in the parking lot. It's a drive up sort of deal.
Now, I tried to make a fuss over the fact that there are VEGETARIAN types that teach school too. And trying to make me feel grateful for their drive through turkey type is a little unsettling. I mean I haven't become a VEGETARIAN VIGILANTE yet, but I can see how it can get a whole heck of annoying. As, like, I slave my heart away teaching these little persons of interest and then you kill a turkey, and throw it in my car, as a Christmastime (at the district I am sure you call it Holiday Greetings) thank you?
I sent an email with my small complaint to my principal, who responded like this:
"You'll get blessings if you donate it to the food bank."
She is right, blessings are better than a dead ("young" -as it says on the package) turkey.
So yesterday I went to do the whole drive up thing and was feeling somewhat of the Christmas spirit. I was going to donate my dead turkey to a family I knew, who could use it for nourishing and strengthening.
For one brazillion years there was only one way to enter the parking lot and since I am not fond of going to the district, I hadn't noticed that this ONE WAY was now covered in NO ENTRY signs. That didn't stop me though, I just drove past those signs feeling a little confused, none-the-less. When I pulled up to the dead turkey station and presented my ticket I saw five rather, unclassy men standing there looking back at me.
"Is this where I pick up my turkey (dead)?" I yelled out my window.
"Not for goin' in that way you 'aint. Can you read nothin'?" questioned a man with a mullet and I am not just saying that because men with mullets are extra funny these days (I am not looking for a laugh here.)
"How am I supposed enter in this parking lot?" I asked biting my anger. All five men point, at the exact same time, to an entry about two blocks away. Please note: I was the only car in the parking lot at the time.
"Come on!" I said, rolling the eyes 5 times (one roll for each of the men who were laughing very uncomfortably at me and my what-was-now-a BIG MISTAKE.)
Then one man came forward, grabbed my ticket and frantically searched it (I can only imagine the counterfeits they get these days -teachers are a desperate/ hungry race!)
Then he said to me handing over the dead turkey,
"All you is is just a teacher anyway."
And a fine Merry Christmas to you too, PSD.
Now, that I will for sure lose my job because of this post (worth it). Maybe I will get fat and spend my days watching Robert DeBry commercials.
Hand me over some of that peanut snack brittle.