The Great Culture Divorce

After all, I think I am turning Jehovah Witness. And not for reasons that have to do with my shopping for a trench coat for 2 hours tonight. That is a mere coincidence. No, it's because of my family announcement tonight.
I think the JW's have it right about some things. For one, they don't celebrate birthdays, which after enduring 28 of those (or is it 29? I am always confused -do I count the day I was birthed?) self-pity parade of days I can see their philosophical sense. I plan my birthdays meticulously, instant-to-instant, or else my expectations of others spawns and I am grossly disappointed when I come home from work and Provo Bakery shamrock sugar cookies are not lining my sidewalk and ginger ale does not come out of every faucet in the house.
See, the whole point of celebrating is to strengthen relationships and sometimes, our cultural traditions stand in the way. One year I missed the 4th of July parade, to the major chagrin of other family members, but guess who had ALL the energy to get crazy during the annual family bbq water fight??? (My 6th graders taught me how to use multiple punctuation marks!!! So fun!!! Don't you think???!!!???!!!!????!!!!?????!!!???)
One time I was assingned a talk in Sacrament Meeting with the obscure topic: Incorrect Family Traditions. You can imagine the scriptures I came up with! A real doosey. But, it's like the talk that keeps on giving because I can spot a worthless family tradition from miles away. I am like the ghostbuster of bad customs. The customsbuster.
So much of what I do day to day is silly. All the time I stop doing things that make no sense to me. For example, we have stopped having meal times, it just doesn't work for us. When we try to have meal times we end up looking at each other from across the table and laughing. Please pass the Dijon dear. Maybe all will change when kids come our way, but if it doesn't that is fine too.
Please don't get me started on weddings either. Nothing drives me more mad than parents who interfere with their talk of family traditions. Morphing their child's wedding into the wedding that they never had -they should be so ashamed! I declare to the world, that I have had both, the huge wedding and the elopement. If I were celebrating Christmas this year I would wrap up elopement and give it to everyone as a cherished gift from me.
Which reminds me about my big announcement: No Christmas. The idea is really growing on me. Wouldn't be nice just to skip a year? Don't knock it until you've tried it. And speaking of knocking, does anyone know what the Jehovah Witnesses' do December 25th??? And can I bring my pre-ordered buche de noel???

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