Saturday, October 15, 2005

One Wife To Live

"IF YOU WANT TO SEE POLYGAMISTS YOU NEED TO GO TO A K-MART IN SOUTHERN UTAH." Soeur Jewels explained. She would know, she worked at a K-mart in Cedar City.
I had never actually seen a polygamist before my mission. I am not counting my college boyfriend's roommate who said he came from a polygamist family. I wasn't sure if that was true or not, but he did have a giant head which I thought sorta creepy. My boyfriend said he was a chick magnet. Maybe that is because the chicks didn't have to fight over him. Where he came from, there was enough of him to go around.
I DIDN'T SEE MY FIRST POLYGAMIST IN K-MART, disappointingly enough, rather the Sunday Brunch at the Holiday Inn. When you are vacationing in St. George you can eat out on Sunday-I am just sure, because the polgamists were there and they are "orthodox mormons" right? Another time I saw a whole slew of them at the Golden Corral after church. (First and last time I will eat there, not so good for the developing vegan, who prefers her veggies fresh, rather than doing the backstroke in butter). At the brunch, my mom, who has visited Colorado City on numerous occasions, verbally pointed them out (physical pointing is rude). I was a little disappointed because, see here, there was only 1 man and 1 woman and 1 baby. But we knew they were polygamists because no one else was wearing pioneer clothes while eating the brunch.
ANYONE THAT KNOWS ME WELL, KNOWS THAT I HAVE NO QUALMS ABOUT THE PLURAL WIVES THING. Actually, I think it's fantastic. It seems reasonable for me to say that no one woman can possibly satisfy one man. [Please note: the word satisfy has many possibilities. Not just one. Pervert.] It's tough being a wife. In the three-and-a-half years that I have been a wife, I can say it hasn't been easy. Husbands are demanding. They want you to do things like play X-box with them. Sometimes I am like "Honey, can I just watch you play Forza Motorsport tonight... my nails are drying?" I am sure that when you are a polygamist, with a plethora of wives to share the tasks, you could say "Honey, how about you ask Rachel to play X-box with you tonight." Because Rachel loves to play X-box and why shouldn't she? She's still fifteen.
THIS WEEK, CHRISTOPHER AND I WENT TO ST. GEORGE FOR A MINI-VACATION. It was beautiful down there and sooooo warm. We swam at midnight in the heated pool. I love that place like Brother Brigham did except I don't own any silk worms. But what I was going to say before I gushed about that lovely spot we call Dixie, is that I saw more polygamists. This time in Walmart. Christopher has a little obsession about finding mini-cars there that excite him to no end (cue the third wife to go to Walmart on his little car scouting expeditions).
USUALLY WHEN I SEE THE WIVES I AM A LITTLE JEALOUS BECAUSE THEY ALL SEEM SO FERTILE. Also, they get to hang out with other women all day and talk and make peanut butter sandwiches from fresh honey whole wheat bread. Also, they all have really long hair which is something I have always wanted but have never achieved. What? Just don't cut it? Impossible, don't they have split ends in Colorado City? What? Split ends are a myth? What? Don't believe everything that your hair stylists says? What? What?
(Sometimes I have literary conversations with myself, just please excuse).
THE THING WITH THE POLYGAMISTS IS THAT THEY ARE SO PECULIAR. As they shop in the toy isle in Walmart they are wearing long dresses with big lace collars with pants underneath. Then they all have extraordinary braids in their hair. I thought about how President Hinckley always says that the Latter Day Saints are a peculiar people as quoted in the Bible. But the thing is, the polygamists are beating us at peculiarity. Does that mean, the more peculiar the more honest the religion? I looked to see if they had a horse and buggy for sale in the Walmart auto department, just in case Christopher agreed with my decision to be more peculiar than the polygamists. They didn't sell such a thing, but have you ever tried an Vanilla Smelly Tree in your car? That is the sort of thing you can find in the auto department.
I LEARNED A VALUABLE LESSON THIS WEEK IN ST. GEORGE FROM THE POLYGAMISTS. As Christopher and I were at Hollywood Video renting a-get this-VHS, (because we haven't upgraded to DVD at the condo) I was kind of glad I was his only wife. Everytime we try to rent a movie we almost always end up needing professional mediation. We start to second guess our love for eachother. Do I really love him because he wants to rent Kill Bill Vol. 2 and see the other 400 ways someone can kill someone else in a 106 minutes? She wants to see The Pacifier because Vin Diesel makes her feel like she is smokin' and single again. Do I really need her around? See, so, add another wife into that mix, and it could get scary.