This is a personal note to me I am sharing publicly. That's weird, but what else is new with me?
Pregnantly speaking I am 25 weeks tomorrow. Certain environments I've been in lately have caused my old nemesis Body Hater to circle around my head. BH has been reminding me of those tempting times after I give birth to reject my post-birth body. BH has actually suggested I start dieting now. NOW! But I've been strong, and I've been thinking, and I am grateful for some space between right now and those postpartum moments. I've got time to work on an counter attacks.
So this is what I'm telling myself: right now I am making a human. Even as I type these words. Even as I type these words a baby is kicking my insides around. But also, this human is making me. This human is telling my body to change to become the kind of mother that will be most beneficial to this being. I am changing emotionally, yes, but physically too. My body is being molded into a different shape so that I can be the best possible caretaker for this child. And that doesn't end after pregnancy. My body will continue to change as I am a mother to this child.
The gray hairs I see making random appearances on the crown of my head--those are part of the plan. As are the extra wrinkles winding around my face and the shape of my chest.
Manipulating my body with diets, shape-changing antics, overly-strenuous work outs and ugly "motivating thoughts" now, or later, will starve out the intelligence that the natural process is infusing inside of me. My job is to nurture myself, feed myself, stretch myself, educate myself, walk myself and love myself. And love the babies who have already left their unforgettable marks--and still make them daily.
And when there are two new bodies to behold in a couple months, allow for all the time in the world for their discovery. There is no "getting my body back."
Exploration over manipulation. Forever.
*photo of me (actually writing a scripture in French, but apropos for this post) by Justin Hackworth