At first I thought it was pneumonia stuck inside my chest making my ears and throat blare with a raw soreness. Then my capacity to breathe became overwhelmed and I wheezed through every inhale and exhale. Headaches, loss of energy, consumption of pity on my part. Over a week I lived like this until finally Chup convinced me to visit the Instacare on a slow, hot Sunday afternoon. Given Anson's fascination with medical instruments lately, I convinced him to come with me.
But all of those instruments, poked, prodding, pinched their way into a staggering diagnosis:
Nothing is wrong with me.
That is to say, my body was not infected, terminal, or plagued with something viral.
My symptoms were nothing but manifestations of allergies.
Cottonwood, the doctor told me. Really bad this year.
I've never had an allergen a day in my life.
We walked out into the parking lot, a new view on my new life and I lost my voice.
Completely.
And it really hasn't made a full recovery and for some reason it has effected my blogging voice as well. I kept thinking, as soon as my voice comes back I can start writing again.
Silly, isn't it?
Listen, tonight my house is dark and quiet, the swamp cooler is humming from the Green Room. I spent all the voice I had on pretending I was a frontman for Anson and Ever's band (Anson passionately plays guitar, Ever is a wizard on the drums) we cover a variety of tunes, Vampire Weekend, Neon Trees, Imagine Dragons and Adele (Ever thinks it's A-bell and she says Ding Dong when we mention her) and now I have just a little tiny bit of voice left over to say one thing and this is what I want to say:
Man, am I in love with my baby Erin.
Head over the high hills in love, rapture and inexplicable joy when I think about her. What hormone is this? I can't remember, did I feel this way for all my babes? I want to saddle the future for her, insure that she's throned and feted, educated and celebrated. Since her arrival I've noticed a change inside of me, a roping off of the good and the ugly, the desire to quit myself, commit to kindness and own up to the power I know that exists inside of me as a female.
Is this what babies do?
Make us better people?
I'll take twenty more.
I love you Erin Caroline Kendrick, thanks for the twinkle eyes.
Shhh. Good night.
27 comments:
I know what you mean "losing your voice" from allergies. It's weird, annoying, and different. But it will get better soon... when allergy season passes. :)
Your little's are so cute and Erin is adorable!
Have a good weekend,
Michelle
I lI've this post! So sweet....the baby part. Nit the you being sick part. Lol
I was praying your were okay since we hadn't heard from you in awhile. Losing your speaking voice leading to losing your blogging voice makes sense to me. I hope they both return soon.
I know exactley the feeling of being so in love with one of your babies that it is almost overwhelming. I feel that way about my youngest right now. He is 18 months, and just an absolute joy! (not to say the other 4 weren't awesome, I just have such a connection with him)
Hope you feel better soon. Allergies are 0 fun.
I could tell you must have been sick after your mention of the three of you after your Missouri trip....glad you are feeling a bit better and love this little person she is so cute, a gentler cute than the chief (who is my fave because he was first) and Ever!
For most of us, I think having children makes us better people. As much as we try and teach them, they are often teaching us. Mortherhood is a blessing and you are soaking up every minute of it! Enjoy those beautiful babies :)
Hello!
I missed your posts and as the week went on I was concerned that all was not well! I hope that you are soon feeling better! You have such beautiful children - this is such a wonderful stage of life for you and it goes by so fast! Take in every minute of the joy they bring you! Wishing you a happy day!
Hugs,
Barbara Diane
I am right there with you on the "rapture" and falling in love and change of soul my babies have caused within me. And that is why I struggle as I know there will be a point when we will have the last baby (in this life) and maybe we have reached that point already, I don't know.
I do know there is perfect peace in my soul when I think of God's Plan and in the eternities to come.
Our children are loans, Courtney.
They are His.
How blessed we are to get to raise them, nourish them, learn from them...it is THE MOST glorious experience a man and a woman can have. They are so much more than cute...they are pieces of heaven.
Oh wow. I feel just like you. I always feel ucky in the summer and didn't know why. Now I know I have allergies! My throat is sore, my eyes sting, headaches, swollen feet, I can't sleep and never put it all together. And I am 63! But I love that I can hear wisdom from one so young. I have been missing my mother, older friends and thought I would never have a place to go for advice. I have a daughter, nieces, DIL's, younger friends and a granddaughter. And you! Now I know they have the wisdom I am seeking. Because of your post I know I was blind, but now I see. Thank you C. Jane.
Sorry about my very IMPERFECT English. I am still working on it.
I hope you feel better soon.
must be a year for allergies - after 31 years on the planet, i suddenly developed bad ones this spring. and, like yours, my voice is the first to go.
hope you feel better fast!!
It's called oxytocin! It's a bonding hormone :)
You deserved a blogging break after the two very full weeks you had.
Hope you are feeling better!
My babies are ages 20 and 22 years, and I can testify that the overwhelming love thing never stops. I am constantly in awe of these two incredible people that I am mothering, and I am so thankful to my heavenly father for the privilege. It truly makes life worth living. You are a wonderful mother. Best wishes for a speedy recovery... allergies are a booger!
Ahhh Twinkle Eyes. Some people think its just a fleeting moment of happiness that everyone can have but if you have really seen Twinkle Eyes, it is something special. I never knew this until my #2 came along. From the moment he openned his eyes they sparkled, twinkled and have ever since. You are so lucky.
You having what I call the '3rd baby syndrome'. Don't know how to explain it, but it happened to me as well....with my 3rd baby. You will have an insane desire to keep her young and small as long as you can and will be in complete denial when she turns 16 and asks for the car keys because she will be infinitely 3 years old in your mind forever. Welcome to 3. :)
I LOVE that you wrote this. I am on child 3 as well and I feel that it took me this long to feel that way too. I feel like i appreciate all the little things in all my children now. I want more babies too. so I totally agree. My baby is 3 now so have a blast with it.
I feel for you! We lived in Beijing for a couple of years. The government planted cottonwood EVERYWHERE! I think it must be a fast growing tree or something. But in the spring, there are huge piles of the "cotton" everywhere. I remember going boating on a city lake, and seeing huge piles of the "cotton" all along the edge of the lake. And every gutter was filled. Those are the days you just try to stay inside and wait out the allergens!
I think all babies do this but it isn't until the third one that we aren't as uptight and feeling the need to meet expectations that we put on ourself and we really start to chill out and enjoy life and the sweetness that babies bring with it.
Maybe losing your voice is a good thing...forces quiet contemplation. As much as it would drive me batty, I think that sometimes I could use a break from my own inner back and forth banter. Drink in that silence while you can and see what it can teach you. Best wishes. XO
I was never allergic to anything and then about 6 months after my third baby was born, boom, I was suddenly allergic to mold. And, it was a very wet spring, I was miserable. And, you're right every baby DOES make you better. I am on number seven and I'm headed toward awesome.
I am loving all the comments about "third baby love". I feel exaclty the same way! I even feel guilty that I didn't feel this way with the first two.
After having 9 babys....I can honestly say--I fall head over heels each time like it was the first.
My son is 20 and I still have that feeling about him. It is lovely!
Sorry to hear about the allergies. I deal with those as well and it is not fun. Hope you're feeling better asap.
I think I know why you are so in love with your baby... it's because she is really really really cute!
I love your comment, T.I. I'm 45 and have 5 kids. I don't want to be done! They are each a gift from God...or as you say more accurately, on loan. I love your "pieces of heaven" idea. So true. And such a blessing.
I recently read, "Adults don't make children, children make adults!" Creating a family is the most glorious opportunity we have. Thanks for your comment (and I thought you were a native English speaker)!
It might be 2012 doing the love XL thing to you.
This year has that capacity.
Nicki
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