Friday, April 27, 2012

Asking For Forgiveness

Tonight we took the kids and went to dinner. Just as we finished up the meal I started to feel a tightening in my chest. Then my heart started to pound. It thudded with increase, so loud it muffled my hearing.

"I am not feeling well," I said to Christopher.

I went outside to let Anson and Ever run around. I watched them run back and forth on the side walk, Anson with his athletic gait, and Ever's jog with the tiny hint of pigeon toed. I watched them scream and chase each other, I watched them as my body felt like I was being strangled, I watched them and tried not to panic.

My heart was beating with such violence the vibration rattled my throat, giving off the sensation that I was going to throw up. Meanwhile, the lack of air was suffocating my brain and I was overwhelmed with dizziness. I sat down on a patio chair, with my eyes still on the children I prayed I wasn't having a heart attack.


You're having a panic attack I realized.

I thought about my friend Kelly who explained her panic attacks to me, how the world got dark and she felt like she might collapse and die. Her descriptions were like check lists in my whirling head.

When we returned home I took Erin to bed and nursed her. And after she slept I went to my laptop to start writing my life story but instead I started hearing the heartbeat in my ears again.

I took a detour into the forbidden paths of websites dedicated to calling out bloggers like me. I found a forum dedicated to my blog and started to read, page after page, posts from disgruntled readers, people I have offended, disappointed, made really angry. I read and read. I didn't even get close to reading it all. But there was a point where I started to cry. Not because I was so sad that they'd write horrible things about me, but because HEAVEN SAKES ALIVE I NEEDED AN INTERVENTION.

I went to Christopher, who has seen me, in the past three years of my life slide ever so slightly to an angry, bitter shade of myself, most likely the most desperately dishonest I've ever been in my whole entire life. I just needed someone to support me in this actualization, but because he is a kind-hearted peace-keeping man, it couldn't be him. I needed someone--anonymous or alias or angry enough--to hold up that mirror of humanity, that mirror that says: you are unhealthy.

To Christopher I cried. I felt so sorrowful, the depths of which I have not felt in so very long.

I've been selfish. Self-centered. Narcissistic. Probably since I was born, but more so in the last four years. I've produced a lot of thoughtless, poorly-thought-out, half-assed posts. I've ignored my husband, pushed away my children, hid from my neighbors. I've been judgmental, I've been small-minded, I've been uncharitable. While I have written essays I am proud of, I've written a lot of stuff I am so desperately sad about. Some of my posts are just a terrible attempt at vile, shameful, passive-aggression mostly directed towards women who allow men to manipulate them.

The Equality post? Yes. I am so sorry. What the hell was I thinking to say "equality never did anything for me?" That is not true. I was really angry about gender roles, and instead of using intelligence to work my way through the anger, I gave up. I GAVE UP ON EQUALITY and professed I didn't think it was important. I think if anything, it shows how horribly sick and hopeless I had become.

I've thought so many, many times about deleting that post, but I've decide to keep it. I need my children to have a record of how the human heart can beat its way out of ignorance. I need my posterity to see progression and repentance. In some ways I am grateful I wrote it, just to stand as a measuring stick. It's encouragement to never, ever stop digging away at things. And in addition, I can use it to illustrate how long suffering, good friends can be even after you dismiss all their ideals in one single blog post. (Carina, Chelle, Hannah...)

I very much believe in equality and if that makes me a feminist, I AM A FEMINIST. Holy crap, sign me up. SIGN ME UP.

I also believe that women don't need me spouting off about under-researched and overly romantic ideas about womanhood, they just need me to be SUPPORTIVE. I understood this so many years ago, but I've been tempted to form rigid opinions that have obscured my view of compassion. Women need my love, not patronizing posts questioning their intuition.

I'm so deeply sorry I judged you and I am even more sorry you felt judged by me. Thank you for not judging me and thank you for listening to my stories even when they felt laced with self-importance. Thank you. I am sorry.

I was once in a marriage where I would pray I wouldn't be attacked unsuspectingly as I showered. I am no longer in that marriage, but there are times in my life where that's exactly what blogging feels like, and my husband has to talk me down. I don't have to be so angry, so angry all the time.

I know I will never be liked by everyone, but I want to at least like myself in an authentic way that doesn't translate as smug.

I just want to have compassion.

Please help me and the anxious beating heart in my chest.


220 comments:

1 – 200 of 220   Newer›   Newest»
Burgin Streetman said...
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Burgin Streetman said...

Man, we are so secretly screwed up. That's what makes people so entirely fascinating and life totally unexpected and wonderful. I truly believe there are no bad people. Everyone just needs understanding.

Just keep swimming, CJane. Just keep swimming.

ClaireM said...

I nearly stopped reading your blog after the equality post but I'm glad I didn't. I love your writing and I love that your not afraid to be honest. What I really love about your life story posts is the idea that you can have a great family, life, childhood but still need to be able to analyze why we are the way we are. I'm no longer an active Mormon and one of the hardest things for me to reconcile was having a pretty awesome family and upbringing but rejecting that life

Shannon said...

Now THAT was honest, brave, beautiful.

cindy baldwin said...

I've never commented before, but I just wanted to stop and say: I think the equality post had its issues, but you know what? I also loved it. It made me think about things in a new way. It made me try to be a little more generous in my relationships, to let go a little of the measuring stick that I constantly hold up to make sure I'm getting my "fair share."

So don't give up.

Kel said...

Your humanity, your courage and your humour seem so tangible in your writing. The thing about humanity is it is imperfect, an ongoing process of doing the best you can in the circumstances at the time.

Wishing you strength and calm as you work through this.

Molpol said...

Thank you - this post is a confirmation of my gut (and great) feelings about you that I had gotten a little worried were totally off.

I love your writing but also somehow across thousands of miles and a whole sea I also love you a little (maybe a lot) and love that your life is so different from mine and yet I know if we met we would be fast friends.

Love and solidarity from London... it misses you! xxx

Molpol said...

And also, in case that comment was a little me-centric - bravo for your bravery! For this week and for always and for ever (pun intended).

Paula said...

Simply had to comment today...for every one reader (and they choose to read your blog - they don't have to!) who for one reason or another decide they are disgruntled or offended, you have at least four or five who truly appreciate, accept and love reading your insightful, thought provoking posts. You are an incredibly talented, complex, giving and accepting woman. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that. Many comments I read of the "attack" nature, were shallow and close minded. You can't take those to heart...they only weigh you down. You make peoe think, to expand their horizons while at the same time expanding yours. People can be harsh and critical (until the shoe is on the other foot!). Hang in there and simply stay true to yourself. :-)
foot!). I have no doubt you'll find you're way as writing, for you, is obviously one of your greatest outlets.

Emilie said...

This is an interesting and thought-provoking post. I think the world needs women who have opinions. Women who know who they are and what they want, but I also think we all need non-judgmental, open minds.

I find myself often trying to find the line between opinion and open-mindedness. It's a process which ebbs and flows.

I think your blog posts should never really offend others since it's not personal. Even posts that you later feel are misguided are still not cause for a serious apology.

A reader should read it over, think 'hmmm...that's not really the way I feel about that topic', and move on. NOT take to public forums to trash you. So, the apologies SHOULD go both ways.

I'm glad you have gained clarity for yourself on the topic of EQUALITY since that post, but there is no need to apologize to a collective for expressing opinions that you had at one point in your life, however wrong you now feel they were.

You're being a bit hard on yourself, C. It's okay. No apologies needed.

Paula said...

And for those who want to correct my spelling - yup, I know it should be "people" and "your", and that part of the message is there twice. There's only so much one can do on an iPhone! :-)

Katie said...

Beautifully, heartbreakingly honest. I have always admired how you really seem to want to have an understanding of your readera's opinions and the reasons and rationales behind those differing beliefs. Even when you wrote the equality piece, you didn't shy away from re-explaining your thoughts and you engaged with your readers, allowing us to explain how and why we believed what we did. You shouldn't be so hard on yourself- it takes great courage to admit when you are wrong about something, and especially to do it in front of thousands of readers/bloggers. I think empathy is the greatest quality a person can possess- the world would be a much better place if more of us could only picture what it must be like in someone else's less fortunate shoes. But remember to have compassion for you, too and don't be so hard on yourself! Thank you for doing what you do and for allowing us to to be part of your life- I am grateful.

kelly said...

I love you sweet Courtney, I've been reading you for years and never not once have I been offended by your opinion...because everyone has an opinion....what makes life interesting is our differences. :-)... I love how you said Arson and not chief in this post ...it made me smile xo ..you have my support as always....don't be so hard on yourself..xoxo

Barb said...

Wow - cut yourself a break. At least you have the courage to put yourself out there - something so many of us lack. I think you are both bright and entertaining, and if sometimes you're off, sometimes you're off. I will never understand who these people are who have the time and energy and diss other people's blogs.No offense, because as I said, I think you are totally rad, but "a forum dedicated to your blog"??? Those are the people who need an intervention. Peace out C Jane!!!

Allison said...

I agree completely with kelly. <3

Jen said...

Don't read those websites! Especially in the midst of a panic attack. :) I know my words are small but don't be so hard on yourself, and don't take yourself so seriously. At least for today?? You are a beautiful writer, for me it is not necessarily WHAT you say, but HOW you say it. It truly is a gift. I bet you would find that any friends you thought you offended, you certainly did not. Opinions are ever changing and fluid and you are a human being who is always changing and growing. You are courageous and thoughtful!!

TabiDee said...

Ohhh... as a lifetime member of your cheering section, this post made me so sad. I've dealt with anxiety and panic attacks and self doubt for as long as I can remember. Seeing such a strong personality as yourself have many of the same feelings I have makes me sad for you. I need to give you a hug and to tell you that you do not need to apologize for any of those things. None of it.

hugs. xo

Sarah Jane said...

Peace to you as you continue to figure things out.
I just bought the Anna Quindlen new book on CD. The first chapter was her writing about her Life in the 30's column and how so many people related to her life and how she really struck a cord. Folks read your blog and continue to read your blog 'cause you speak your reality- messy and true as it may be. At least that's why I keep coming back.
Take care.

Leisha Mareth said...

If we all lived out our innermost thought processes and changing ebb and flow of opinions, ideas, beliefs and emotions online... and left them open for discussion, obsession and dissection there is not a person alive who would not be picked apart until every last piece of living flesh was removed.

We are all frail and flawed and a work in progress.

I think this is your "Britney Spears Shaves Her Head in Front of the Paparazzi" moment. Being in the glaring spotlight is hard.

You are loved.

Carly said...

I just finished an unsuccessful round of IVF and the stress of it all has given me a few panic attacks. They are horrible. So sorry you had one. There can be an ugly world to blogging I think, a world where everyones lives look picture perfect. I think it's important for bloggers to admit that their lives aren't perfect to stop this comparison I think that sometimes comes with following blogs. So thank you.

Floyd said...

You put yourself out there every day. You share yourself with all of us "strangers". That takes a remarkable amount of courage.

And honey, no one gets it "right" all of the time.

Sometimes your opinion or perspective is different than mine but that's WHY I read! To learn, to think and to enjoy.

I love you and your family even though we've never met. So hang in there! It's all just part of the ride.

Katie Aldrich said...

It's impossible to be 100% honest all the time. I think being occasionally honest is pretty darn brave, and you are doing a great, great job.

Thomas-Printers said...

I second the supportive comments I'm reading here, and would only add that I wish it were ok to be a feminist; I know it is, but the maligning of that term has convinced young women that being a feminist is a bad thing to be. In reality, Feminism is simply the idea that women are people too. Don't we all agree with that?

Daily Verses said...

Thank you. I am not easily offended, but there have been times I have been hurt by your opinion where I felt, like you said, that you were calling "my" womanhood or intuition into question. I have kept reading b/c I find you to be quirky and interesting and generally a very entertaining writer. But again, thank you for this post. I appreciate the process you are going through.

bizzy75 said...

Beautiful, honest, and brave. Don't know you, but I'm proud of you. I hope I can be brave enough to look as closely at myself in the mirror.

Allysha said...

There are actually things in that post that I really liked; the idea of not keeping score has merit. It has seemed to me that you value both men and women for their own important contributions.

We are complex creatures and somedays might feel a completely different opinion about something than we do the next. That's how it goes. Keep on. And this will be slightly ironic, but don't listen to the blogosphere about what you should repent for, the Spirit does a better job.

Sara Geidlinger Photography said...

ok, now i really mean it. why are you the best ever!?

Me said...
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Me said...

Life is a process.....Keep on writing!

Heretic Husband said...

This is the first post from your blog that I've ever read. I have no interest in reading blogs by perfect people that never change their views.

I can see that you are clearly NOT one of those people, and I look forward to doing an archive binge and reading your old posts.

-HH

Allysha said...

P.S. I'm so sorry these past years have been hard for you. I hope you find peace and happiness in abundance around you. You seem to have a large capacity for it.

Amanda said...

I very rarely post comments here. I am very different from you in some ways, but in others, very much the same. I don't always agree with what you post here, but so what? You always provide food for thought and, in spite of the differences, I often find myself better honing my ideas and finding more confidence in my ideals because of your writing.

Reading your memoirs, I have wondered how putting them on paper (so to speak) has affected you. There seems to be a lot of pain in these stories. I don't know you personally, so I could be WAY off, but do you think that you're processing the emotions of these experiences--either again or for the first time? And is that playing in to the panic attacks?

Raychel said...

Is that the first time you ever wrote The Chief's name on the blog?!

Emily in Wonderland said...

I'm sorry you're having a hard day my dear.

We love you because you are human.

Not because you are perfect, or because some days you wake up and think you are.

(For the record, I didn't think you thought you were perfect, I'm just giving a random example. :)

We love you because you've made it okay for me to cry some days. And to feel human.

And that things don't always look the way they seem from the outside.

And because you encourage me to write better.

And more often, because it's something that is important and really matters to me.

And we love you for accepting your failings too.

I had a panic attack last night at the gym, and again in bed reading email.

I was very upset.

I know you weren't there with me, but I'm glad I wasn't alone.

slackerwithtalent said...

I'm not really sure that you are responsible for the way other people feel. That's a lot to take on and it's an impossibly heavy load. I believe we should take responsibility for our own feelings because despite what we say, our feelings can be controlled if we choose to control them. Most people do not believe they have that sort of power inside them because we are always taught to look outward for answers when we feel uncomfortable, angry, challenged, sad. That is not your really your problem. It is enough to work on ourselves without taking on the rest of the world.

As for the haters...it's my belief that if there are lessons to be learned through the criticisms of others, than we ought to listen and learn them. I don't think that means taking on abuse or guilt or shame or regret when you know in your heart it is not warranted. It must feel dangerous and confusing to be loved as fiercely as you are hated. I'd try to focus more on the love because I think the point of the haters is to try to make you go away--to stamp out your creativity.

Sarah said...

Thank you for writing this! I almost stopped reading because I was a little tired at times of what you were posting.

You will get through this because you are strong and brave!!

Keep praying!

Unknown said...

I've read every post and never made a comment. I am someone who gets a panic attack when I "like" something on facebook (it seems so bold! so public! do I really like it? what if others don't?). Your bravery and stories, your thoughtful writing - really beautiful prose - brightens my day.

I'm also someone who is a single, happy, frumpy, childless academic, and when I see a harried, gorgeous mom chasing kids in a store, and my tendency is to think "this woman and I have nothing in common," I think of you and how I'd be your best friend if I could.

momof8 said...

Don't be so hard on yourself, we all love you!

bandanamomtoo said...

I read your blog for the first time quite a long time ago. And I like you. But that equality post and a few other things made me feel like I didn't totally understand you very well. I haven't read much in the past year or so. And then the other day I followed a link here and read the post about the YW leader you had, and now I am here again reading this, and I must say. You've totally won me over - not only do I feel that your writing has really improved over time - but you are getting in touch with some very important stuff.

I admire your honesty, and I am loving the re-discovery of your blog and your writing.

Elizabeth said...

Everything you describe yourself as being, is something all of us have been at sometime. And maybe sometimes we have to write/say the stuff to get to the point that we realize that isn't really how we feel. Perhaps you have been some of that stuff - but perhaps you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be something that no person can be to another person. Much less a group of people who show up, read your work and give you feedback based on their own crazy lives and experience. Be who you are and who you need to be, but don't be it for us. And if you want to delete that post, delete it - we are all allowed to grow and change and be different than we were, even if only 2 seconds have passed. You aren't here to be anyones God. You have revealed yourself in powerful, personal ways - you have held yourself up and allowed other people to judge you and be unkind to you. That's scary - and maybe a little crazy.

Lindsey said...

I keep coming back here, day after day, because MUCH more often then not, your words touch me or make me think or change the way I see things for the better. Your post- Early History of My Body, part 2 made me see MY body in an entirely different light and it has made all the difference in my attitude, my confidence, my belief in my worth ever since. We would not know the sweet but for the bitter, right? So with bad writing comes good writing, dishonesty highlights honesty and so on. C'est la vie, mon amie! Strive for more light, for more good, for the best in you- whatever you do, just keep doing it :)

betseykerr said...

I rad your blog because I love the way you writer. Your creative way of getting thoughts on paper makes the words nearly tangible. I love that. I read to hear your story, not to agree or disagree. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, and I love that differences of opinion challenge my own thinking. Thank you for writing, please don't stop. Amen to being honest with yourself...but careful in being too critical...no one is perfect.

Micah and Emily said...

After following the comments on your blog over the last few days, I am disappointed by the unkind and blatant rudeness that some (thankfully not all!) of the commenters used to express themselves.  These individuals seem to be so discontent with their lives that it is easier to stand at the sidelines waiting to throw their darts of judgement, rather than openly and honestly acknowledge their own flaws and mistakes.  Heaven forbid that any of us appear to be human!

I love your writing Cjane-the open and raw honesty with which you embrace these sensitive personal topics.  You are an incredible inspiration to me as I strive to be more open and honest with myself, my family, and those around me.  

Bravo!

Tracee said...

Rule #1: Never G**gle yourself if you choose to have a true presence online.

Rule #2: Always stay true to yourself.

Rule #3: When it feels more like a chore than fun, quit.

Rule #4: UNPLUG. Start with an hour...then increase it until you are up to days at a time. It is so incredibly freeing and I don't miss it!!

Rule #5: Make your own bread. Trust me on this.

Holley, Dane Brien & Wesley Berry said...

I’ve been lurking on your blog for quite some time now and this is the first post that has ever made me want to comment.

I don’t think you owe any of your readers an apology. You have courageously stepped out of your comfort zone to share your wit, wisdom, humor, knowledge and flaws. I think you are incredibly brave to admit your struggles and open yourself up to the kind of grotesque misunderstanding and criticism you have endure from some of your readers.

I know what it’s like to be a part of a large LDS family filled with so many larger than life personalities. You have to fight for an identity that is your own. It can be especially difficult when the spiritual gifts of intellect and curiosity for the world around you, entrusted to you by Heavenly Father, oppose the traditional values at your core.

Not to mention the various abuses you have suffered that you have tamped down and tried to ignore. This anger can only be ignored for so long before it starts to consume you. I know because I have reached a point in my own life where I’m having to deal with anger that I have stuffed down for so long in order to live what I thought was a “normal” life.

I’m finding that I’m being forced to take the lid off of my tightly controlled anger and deal with it so that I can get in touch with who I am and where I fit in to Heavenly Father’s plan. I am probably projecting a lot onto you at the moment because what you wrote really resonated with me. I have started the process of taking off my mask…you know the one. The mask that conceals the anger, hurt, resentment and only allows people to see what we want them to see.

I suspect that what you’re saying is that you are getting rid of the mask and are going to face the things that happened in your life that made you the way you are. And, that you are going to try and do it in a raw and unfiltered way. You are going to let the truth make you free. I hope you do and I hope that anyone who reads your future posts will allow you that freedom without having to throw salt on your wounds.

You have a healers touch. I believe that as you heal and understand your own anger….your readers will be inspired to come to terms with their own anger, flaws and insecurities. That is your gift and I am grateful that you have the courage to go through this process in such a public forum.

Your sister Stephanie has been such an inspiration with how she is dealing with her outside scars. I believe that you are just as much, if not more of an inspiration, because you are showing people how to have the courage to deal with the scars that nobody can see but that are every bit as damaging and painful to endure.

TheOneTrueSue said...

Love you Courtney. Really.

I don't know how anyone could read the vast quantity of words you've shared here and then try to define you based on one post. One post can't capture and define a person. Your complexity of thought and motivation comes across through the body of the posts you've written.

Thoughts exist on a spectrum, they aren't static. We change. We evolve. I could point to seventeen things I've written on my own blog that I no longer agree with.

Blogging is inherently narcissistic. It's hard not to let that mess you up. I don't know how to navigate that. And even though blogging has its own social world, it is a world that is separate from my children - which can be good and can be bad. Bad when it's too distracting, good because I need something for myself, bad when I use it to shut other people out or in place of real human interaction. Because we need that In Real Life human interaction. Bad when I let the idea that I need to protect a persona I've created online prevent me from actually connecting with people because I feel like if they meet me, they meet a fraud.

Anyway, I'm rambling. As usual. I just wanted to say that for all of the bored, angry women who are spending time berating you for thoughts you once spilled on a page, there are plenty of other women who realize that nothing is so simple, that you can't pin people to the wall based on what they thought at Point A in time, and that there is plenty of grace and love out here in the world aimed right at your open, generous heart.

Morgan Lee said...

Wow, wow, Wow, C.Jane.

I'll admit to not loving every one of your posts, and to finding some of them being at odds with my initial impressions of you. And sometimes I had my own little judgmental commentary running in my head: "So C. Jane is like THAT, huh?"

What those hate sites often forget is that bloggers are no more flawed, no more messed up than their critics. The only difference is that a blogger exposes her flaws, her mean phases, her errors in thinking, her weak rationalizations (all of this unintentionally most of the time), whereas those of us who *aren't* bloggers manage to keep the worst of ourselves hidden from all but those who know us best. Blogging is a way to let your light shine, but when it's darkness there, everyone sees that, too.

That's why blogging takes about 10% narcissism, but 90% guts. And I will probably never do it.

One more thing -- if reading those forums has made you recognize something that you feel is legitimately true, then that's great. At least something constructive came out of it. But honestly, I wouldn't indulge that urge very often if I were you. Reading page after page of an accounting of your every misstep has got to be unhealthy for the mind, body, and soul. Take what you think you learned there, and then stay away.

Townhouse Towny said...

I did not take huge offense to your Equality post, or really any post you've written. Here's why. It isn't because I don't care or because I'm a passive reader, I'm actually very very interested in your life, your writing and your views. But every time you write something I don't agree with I guess I receive it the way I would from a sister, daughter or best friend. "Oh, hmm, that's surprising that Courtney thinks that...how bout that...meh I'm not a fan of her voice in this post..." And I move on. I enjoy the fact that I don't agree with everything you say, you're not a Fairy WordGodMother you're a person and I deeply appreciate that such beautiful writing comes from someone so layered...aren't all our best friends and favorite characters layered and flawed? I even like that you're a little narcissistic and smug, I take the majority of it as tongue-in-cheek and the tiddly-bit rest to be the satisfaction of someone who puts the time and effort in to form opinions and reflect on issues, and considers it an important goal to love themselves. I love that you give a damn enough about anything to be "smug" about it (I would use the word "peaceful" rather than smug though), and I know you'll ALWAYS be questioning your views, which sort of negates any annoyance one could feel about self-satisfaction, doesn't it? It feels good to have strong opinions when you work for them, and I feel like the majority of yours come from that place.

You've poured so much of your heart and soul out in this blog, we know so much of your spirit now. And who has a perfect spirit? Who can say that every word they speak (write) will be the very best representation of their soul as a whole and give flawless respect and consideration to every ear it lands in? No one. I consider you unfailingly human, and I like you that way. If I didn't scrunch my nose up at your occasionally, you wouldn't be a human, you wouldn't seem like a friend, you'd be a cheap gimmick. We suffer our friends' minor imperfections (or simply their opinions we disagree with, they needn't be flaws), and accept them as part of a greater whole. Your spice, heart, love, honesty, bravery, enthusiasm and introspection trump the impatience and ignorance you seem so concerned about. They win, bigtime. Your need to question yourself so harshly is both a curse and a blessing to yourself but also your readers. I deeply enjoy your writing and hope you will continue, warts and all.

TheOneTrueSue said...

YES. WHAT MORGAN SAID HERE:

"That's why blogging takes about 10% narcissism, but 90% guts... One more thing -- if reading those forums has made you recognize something that you feel is legitimately true, then that's great. At least something constructive came out of it. But honestly, I wouldn't indulge that urge very often if I were you. Reading page after page of an accounting of your every misstep has got to be unhealthy for the mind, body, and soul. Take what you think you learned there, and then stay away."

YES.

TheOneTrueSue said...

"I enjoy the fact that I don't agree with everything you say, you're not a Fairy WordGodMother you're a person and I deeply appreciate that such beautiful writing comes from someone so layered...aren't all our best friends and favorite characters layered and flawed?"

AND AGAIN.

(I need to stop now.) (This is why we need to be able to like comments.)

Holly Decker said...

you. are. loved.
i like you and your blog, and feel glad that i got to meet you in person (though you definately don't remember- i am sure you get stopped by fans often... thus the purple wig... jk) and i was NOT disappointed. you are, of course, even better in person- a babe and a genuine person.
i like plenty about you, and relate on a lot of issues, and yesterday as i was talking with my friend about your blog (she follows too) i realized how grateful i am for blog posts and women who TALK about things. inspire discussion. ask the deep questions of life and make one wonder... what do I believe?
that is what your posts have done for me lately... they take me back to my childhood and wrap me in an analytical healing process of my memories and my beliefs and why i have them.
blog posts are blog posts. i have plenty that i want to go back and erase, but i almost feel like its a sin because i FELT it at one point and it just HAS to be preserved, if anything to remind me of where i have been and how much i have changed over time.
people are entitled to change. people are entitled to opinions.
people, no doubt, all have different perspectives.
but all i gather from your various posts is that you are not close minded, that you are a passionate, fun-loving person who has become very empathetic and non-judgemental through MANY if not all of your life experiences.
i know those panic attacks well, and i hope you are able to find your ground through this difficult world of blogging and memories and preservation... if i knew a secret i would tell you.
just know that those people who waste time criticizing you and your blog really need to use their time better... lets hope they find a better way to live life.

hugs.
you are brave. you have done a lot of good. and you have reason to celebrate. you are you, and that's a good thing. i promise.

Giulia said...

Courtney, we truly are on a journey. God is there, He waits for us to understand important lessons. He rejoices when we soften our hearts.
This post and you are filled with charity.
This love melts away everything.
This is more than a well written post.
This is full of eternal truths.
Universal truths.
No debates here I am positive. (not that debates are bad..I learn A TON when I just listen to people's hearts).

Thank you.

I can honestly say that I know how you feel.
This is the second time I comment on your blog and I am not going to write as much as I wrote last time because I have grown.
Once again I feel we are twin souls.

This post...these feelings...This is who you are.
The rest will disappear. The Lord will take care of it. He already has.

Townhouse Towny said...

PS: We should all be jealous of your children, who gets the opportunity to learn SO much of their mother like you're giving them? They are blessed to have the opportunity in adulthood to know you as a person outside of their mothering, through your writing. How lucky. You will live twice for them.

Dollymama said...

Love you, CJane! Hugs.

CJ said...

There is a post from September 2008 about Oliver. The title is "Unrequited." I couldn't tell you what it is about it that I love so much, but when I am having a bad day, am bored, or just in need of a "pick me up", I go back and read that post. Something about it makes me happy.

This really doesn't mean much I know, but all of this to say: for everyone you have offended, there are those of us who love your blog and are only really disappointed when we open it and find that you haven't posted that day. Keep up the good work!

Ana Shaw said...

Blessings on you, beautiful woman. Everybody's learning, everybody's changing, everybody makes mistakes. It's a brave person who will share that journey.

DeeAnna said...

CJane, You can NEVER be all things to all people. And you certainly can't and shouldn't even try. People who have time in their day to go to a I hate CJane forum and spew their jealousies on the page for everyone to see are not your authentic audience anyway. I am a mother of two and those little ones gave me a run for my money when they were little. I felt so unbalanced and panicked just with the responsibility to be everything to them, my husband, parents, neighbors.......it was exhausting! I love to read YOU. Each one of us is a gift and a teacher. Really who cares what everyone else thinks? If you feel like you were showing a different face then explore that, but do it for yourself not some crazy person who really doesn't matter anyway.

Jenna Holm said...

Ditto on what bandanamomtoo said.

Elyssium Earth said...

Court, baby, it's really OK. Hear me, really OK. Love your bones, human, love your guts writer. SKU x

john's mom said...

this isn't fresh - so many others have already said it in these comments - but i feel so moved to say it that i must even if it's repetitive:

i don't deify you, courtney. but i adore you. even when i don't love something you say, i love comparing it to what i would say and seeing how we are different, and how we are the same. you are under no obligation to me, yet you still sweeten my life nearly every single day. i thank you for sharing that - the struggles, the joys, the efforts and failures.

you read your "hate-comments"; please PLEASE read your love-comments too, before you allow yourself to be too disappointed in you. work on what you don't love, of course ... but know there are many strangers who love you on every step of the journey.

Bits and Pieces of Me...Emily! said...

I come to your blog because I love the way you write and how you invite us in. Simply put, this is your blog. YOURS. You allow us in, and we in turn, let a little of you in. Isn't that why we are here? And why we come back? So, for all the haters, they are just looking for someone to hate. If they have a problem, they don't have to read your blog. This is your space, you invite us here. And I am grateful that you do. You inspire me with your beautiful use of words. I wish I could write half as well! Maybe all the haters are just jealous. Keep writing, keep putting down all the lovely ideas and thoughts you have here in your amazing way. And don't ever apologize for what you write. Your blog is like you said, for your children and their posterity. So, write because it is what you want to say, not because someone might get offended. So what? This is your place to express yourself and for one reason or another, we come back to read. Never apologize for what you write, CJane. Because it came from somewhere inside of you at the moment, and like everything in this life, our thoughts and emotions, they ebb and they flow. We change, we grow. So, maybe you don't agree with what you wrote on a post, so? You believed or felt it at the time. And you expressed it here, on this blog, that is YOURS. So keep writing because you have an amazing talent to do so, and let go of the haters. Because there are a lot of us who come here and enjoy what you write, even if we might not agree with an opinion, we come back because you have a talent to write.

Sunshine said...

I just wanted to chime in and say that I have always really appreciated your bravery in putting yourself and your opinions out there on the internet, even if I don't always agree with you. I like to think that you're part of our national conversation, which is important and requires many voices in order to be had.

And although I may disagree with you at times, I have not felt judged by you even though I'm a single, (very) liberal, agnostic woman. One thing I have always admired about your writing, actually, is that you admit to your mistakes. And who hasn't ever looked back at something they've said, done or wrote and wondered "What the heck was I thinking?!?" I know I certainly have been there.

Try to go easy on yourself!

funderson said...

I've gone from an avid blog reader to reading maybe two a day. I still always check yours. You're a damned fine writer and a damned fine example (in my opinion) of a good Mormon woman who lets it out there. Don't beat yourself up so much for being human...it's pretty much why I love and appreciate you so much.

Cora B. said...

And thats why I left the LDS church.

Owatonna Mamma said...

Long-time reader, first-time commenter. I feel compassion for you and what you're feeling. A great book to pick up if you have time (ha) and want to explore a healthy, normal part of every person called their dark side, is "The Dark Side of the Light Chasers", by Debbie Ford. One word, "enlightening". Best wishes on your path.

Rachel said...

CJane, no apology is needed! I think it's the people who get offended and lash out that need to apologize!

We all have opinions and thoughts that others could find offensive, but they make us who we are. And you should never be made to feel wrong for expressing who you are. I only found your blog about two months ago, but I've never read anything that has made me want to leave. Yes, there have been things I disagree with, and things that surprise me. But that's the beauty of you sharing yourself on this blog. We all get to know who you are, deep down, even though we may not know you in person. You have made me think, given me ideas, made me laugh uncontrollably and cry. Your writing helps each reader come to understand themselves more because they are given the opportunity to understand you.

I admire so much your bravery to put yourself, your thoughts, feelings, and emotions out there for others to read. Even the hard stuff. I am working on getting to that point with my own blog. I've stayed with mainly positive things, thinking that is what people want to read. But I have experiences to share that are not positive and may make people uncomfortable. And I am going to write about them. Because uncomfortable posts are good, too. And you have taught me that, CJane. I can share more than just the positive sides of myself. And hopefully people will still read. Because I still read here.

I hope seeing the support here will cheer you up! But even if it doesn't, there is nothing wrong with feeling down every once in a while. It makes us human. And I'm glad to know you're human. (and not a robot, like I'm about to prove I'm not to post this). :)

Becki said...

It would be a disservice to your readers to base your writing on what will keep you off of those nasty blogs. I don't have a blog because the idea of posting my diary online makes me break out in hives. You share your private ideas, convictions, and experiences with thousands of people--not much is braver than that. Thanks, Courtney.

Fresh Hell, Texas said...

When I share something I've read here, it's not uncommon for the person I'm speaking with to say to me, "Why in the world are you reading a blog by a Mormon?"

To which I always replay, "This woman's compassion and honesty blows me away."

And once again, that is true.

Raevan Blake said...

Love this and you! I loved the last paragraph, truly what we should all strive for!

Dia said...

I read a lot of blogs. You are the 2nd one I check everyday. The ONLY reason you're not the 1st is because the other one might post a picture of a basset hound. I come here for the honesty and the content. Love your writing. Never ever stop, PLEASE.

michelley77 said...

Oh, how I love your honesty and your amazing way of communicating your thoughts. And DITTO Kelly's comment - I have never been offended by ANY of your posts! They are YOUR thoughts and YOUR feelings based On YOUR experiences!

Thanks for letting us cruise along with you on your journey! <3

Vesuvius At Home said...

There are days your posts rescue my soul, like a hand reaching out in the darkness and saying I am not alone. Like hour glass theory, posts about depression, and so many others. When we disagree, your posts have challenged me to develop more empathy and grow. I have written posts with murky motives, too. Now I am challenged to become more aware. After Perplexity, I waxed to my husband how brave and inspiring you are. I take nothing back.

GirlFriday said...

I wanted to comment to say, "What are you talking about?" Seriously, you are being ridiculously hard on yourself. I have read more interesting, thought provoking and helpful posts on your blog over the past few years than any other. You are very introspective, but don't mistake that for narcissism or being self-centered.

I admire how you are constantly striving to be better and to learn and grow. I admire that you are a confident lady and that you aren't afraid to form opinions and then reform them as you gain additional knowledge and experience. No one is perfect but I love your honesty and I wouldn't change a word I've read, they were all valuable.

Kristin said...

No, really, is Stephanie adopted?

Krista said...

I love you, CJane.

Lisa said...

You are a treasure. A gift to so many of us!
Life is all about learning. You put words to what so many of us feel. Opinions are just that. Opinions. We can take them or leave them.
The angry, hateful people are the ones who find it necessary to set up websites to pick people apart.
I am sure that being famous leaves you so vulnerable to being picked apart.
You are adored for your thoughts and your opinions and your evolution. You have an awesome sense of humor to boot! You make us all laugh at the quirky ways we women deal with life's challenges.

Cathy said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Stephanie Cozzens said...

Anson, huh?

Your posts make me think, and I don't believe they'd do that if I agreed with every sentiment you ever expressed. And it's a blog, so you're allowed to write something one day and change your mind about it the next. People who go to public forums to criticize you should get a life.

Hang in there - the fans outnumber the haters by a lot, I'm quite sure.

Hurtless Headbands said...

I am lucky enough to be C Jane's sister in law, and I love her. Something I've learned while being a part of her big family is that we're not all on the same learning curve. I've had 42 years to learn a few things, some in the family have only had 29. We may change our minds about things as time goes by, and that's OK. One of the few things we can control in life is how we treat other people. I've seen a lot of kindness extended towards C Jane, and I've seen some ugly stuff too. I would just hope that we can afford everyone their entitled learning curve and support them positively in their quest for truth. Especially C Jane, as she is so willing to open her heart and share her discoveries with us.

kristen said...

Golly, it is so hard to have your morphing self memorialized forever in written words. I appreciate your generosity today, really. Standing by one's words at the expense of personal growth is no way to live! Hope you get some spiritual refreshment quickly. xo

Lindy said...

As a reader who tried to stop reading your blog ('tried' being the operative word) recognizing that if I didn't like/agree with what you wrote, I could just stop reading instead of being a 'hater,' I kept coming back because I appreciate your honesty, your willingness to push boundaries, and the new perspective you bring to my life. So thank you. I'm glad, though, if your recent panic attacks give cause for personal realignment of thought/priorities that will bring you happiness and peace--for you, not your readers. I appreciate you sharing your journey with us...

Carolyn said...

Although I have not always agreed with what you have said on your posts, I have never thought you were a bad person because of it--I am positive that the vast majority of your readers feel the same way. We are all children of God and when we try to see each other through his eyes, it is pretty hard to have those mean feelings. Those people who wrote that stuff probably regret it now as well. Through all of your writing I have always seen what you are underneath--a wife and mother. And that is fantastic!

Jill said...

I'm a grandma, and I read you regularly. No generation of writers I've ever heard of has had to figure private things out in such a public manner. Book authors don't have to deal with the daily pecking of word bites, like bloggers do. As thought provoking as it is for the readers, I cannot fathom what it does to the writer's psyche. A heart continually splayed for all, on a worldwide stage. It would be abnormal not to panic. It's OK to protect yourself.

Brittany Sco said...

Ummmm did you just reveal The Chief's real name? Or am I crazy and you have already done that? Either way, don't be so hard on yourself. We all say silly things on the internet sometimes and I think that having our lives so exposed and documented creates anxiety for many people. You just have to find a balance...and also control that impulse to post something that you haven't quite thought through.

sheila said...

I think you need to realize that we all evolve as we grow older. You just happen to have a written record of your evolution that makes you cringe a bit. No biggie.

You also need to make like the (more sane) celebrities and NOT READ THINGS ABOUT YOURSELF. lol Seriously. They will only drive you mad.

Finally, take up some brisk exercise. That will go a long way towards making you feel healthy again. Sometimes it ISN'T all in your head - it's in your body. And go get your blood pressure checked.

Charlotte said...

While I often disagree with what you write, I absolutely admire your courage in writing it. To withstand the kind of public criticism that you endure would turn me into an angry woman as well, and it probably wouldn't be a slow four-year descent either!

You hang in there.

(Or, if you choose, you could close up shop and find another path. I'd miss you, but certainly wouldn't blame you.)

Sara said...

Your honesty is refreshing in a blogging community where so much is written about how all mormon women love every minute of everything, your authentic real posts give me hope that some people see the oppression and can see the light. Your amazing. Your declaration if feminism is one I wear proudly. Keep writing and so many will keep reading.

Jenny said...

I always thought you wrote with a feminist tone, which is why the equality post surprised me so much. However, and here's where I sound all condescending, I knew you'd eventually recognize it in yourself.

Laura said...

I echo the comments of others - for every one disgruntled reader, you have a handful of people who accept you for who YOU are. You are entitled to your opinion. You are entitled to blog about it. It frustrates me that people can be so hateful as to create forums to discuss another person. Nothing better to do? How about discuss how you can improve your own life?? CJane, you are a pioneer in your own rite and I am, as always, a loyal reader. One breath at a time. You can make it through this. You have four beautiful reasons right there in your own home.

Mary said...

I don't always agree with the stuff you post, but you put yourself out there and I admire your gusto. And that's why I keep coming back. Don't apologize for what you wrote or who you are. You own it and I personally find that refreshing.

tiffany said...

I too like many others here, rarely post comments but have felt compelled more often than not to do so lately, even if it is just a simple one liner.
Every morning I go to my blog (which sadly, I have not kept up on since August) and scroll down the right side to your "icon" and yours is always the first one I open and read. I do this because no matter what the topic is, it is a great start to my day. I sometimes like to think that I'm on the other end having a regular ol' conversation with a friend/sister over coffee or tea, swapping stories.
You know...the beauty of this life is that we are all going through it for the first time, all learning from our daily experiences and it should be one that IS filled with ups and downs, days of joy and sadness and even good or bad hair days. :)
I'm so glad that I stumbled upon your blog. I am inspired by you and your love of life and family. Thank you for allowing us all into your world and for sharing it all with us!

Amanda said...

Meh, your life and your feelings are yours. Don't allow people to completely wipe that out when you're assessing yourself.

You have the right to your feelings. You also have the right to have different feelings on the same issue.

Blogs are blogs. It helps to write the current ramblings in your mind as you process who you are and how you feel. Those ramblings will inevitably engage, incite, or inspire. Or all of those things at once.

It's all GOOD.

Amy said...

I'm not Mormon, but I like your blog. I don't think you're too self absorbed, or mean in your posts. They don't come across as smug. Maybe there's a subtext, or some offline conversations I'm not privy too. I didn't quite understand your equality post, but I didn't think it was offensive. Be kind to yourself. I think sometimes as women we hate conflict of any sort and hurting people's feelings, even strangers, is too much, but having an opinion means others will disagree. It doesn't mean we have to keep our opinions forever, but it also doesn't mean we were wrong to have them.

mom keck said...

It is a blog and public so you are going to get a mix of reactions. ? I also do not agree with everything and find some of your comments inmature and self-serving, other pieces are delightful and insightful. The large question is why do you blog about your personal life to the general public? the answer would provide a large insight into your body of work. This current series of your telling your life story is too "Orpha" for me, but from the number of comments other readers enjoy the let-me-wash-my-linens-in public stuff.

Meme said...

I look forward to your blog every day. I have never felt about you the way you have described yourself in today's blog. To me you are funny and appear to be a loving wife and a cool mother. Maybe I am missing something but I think you are being way too hard on yourself.

Jennifer said...

I'm one of four children which I realize is a small family in your world. In my world, it was medium-sized. My parents were loving and involved in our lives, and as much as they loved us, it was tough, some times, to get some of the emotional things we needed. As the eldest, I ended up doing a lot of childcare, more than I think, now was appropriate but necessary in order to make things work for all of us. As adults, we're all close and get along well, and I wouldn't want us to be a smaller family now, but I can see that four children was too much for my parents to parent.

I know that plenty of your readers will say that a big family is great, they are fine because of it, and that it's great for older children to parent their younger siblings, or that it's good for kids to not be so selfish or think they are so important etc. I recognize that there are some good values embedded in those ideas.

But in reading your work and your sisters, I've often wondered about the impact on your sense of security due to being part of such a large group of kids fairly close in age. I think for all the good times, it must have been tough to be somewhere in the middle of that pack.

When you said you were going to write a book, I sort of hoped that you'd be able to write about the upsides and downsides of being part of a large family and what impact you feel that has had on you. I imagine that writing about that would be hard but I also hoped for you, that it would help give you some peace about who you are (because from your writing you seem like a great person).

I hope you find the peace you deserve.

Nama said...

Courtney, that was a beautiful post, curse words and all!

This part really spoke to me:

"What the hell was I thinking to say "equality never did anything for me?" That is not true. I was really angry about gender roles, and instead of using intelligence to work my way through the anger, I gave up. I GAVE UP ON EQUALITY and professed I didn't think it was important. I think if anything, it shows how horribly sick and hopeless I had become."

From one feminist to another, welcome home. :)

And in case you haven't heard of the blog, please come, visit, and be another strong voice: http://www.feministmormonhousewives.org/

Also, I love your honesty and willingness with yourself and others to acknowledge past ignorances and wrongs AND THEN leave them for the world to see. We are all in the process of changing for the better, and I love how openly your acknowledge that and are not afraid of it. I admit, I was sorely disappointed in your "I am not a feminist" post, but this is a huge reminder to me that I need to have more faith in people because we are all on our own journeys and in the middle becoming more than we are at this very moment. Thank you so much for that reminder, and please forgive me for judging you too harshly. :)

Leah said...

I have a book recommendation for you...it may or may not pertain to the place you currently find yourself in, but I think it may.

It is a book that truly answers the questions that shape in my heart and head as I read as if the writer is most certainly in my head as my eyes take in her words. One of those books.

http://www.amazon.com/Thought-Was-Just-isnt-Perfectionism/dp/1592403352/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1335544007&sr=8-3

I wish you well...

Mary & Marc said...

By definition, an epiphany is a realization of the devine nature of things, and be proud not shameful that through your writings and other methods you are breaking through in such a manner that you now understand and can feel the depth of compassion. Your "anxiety" my friend is nothing more that growing pains...
Your words of reproch prove that you are finding grace within yourself, despite the flaws.

Melissa Lynch said...

Have you lost you mind? You are fabulous and don't you forget it!

Jenny (also) said...

Having (and raising!) 3 babies is such a short time is incredibly taxing mind, body, and spirit. It's enough to throw anyone into a panic. Hope you can find some ways to replenish yourself and some birth control.

SarahJane said...

Can I say that I love to read your blog because it makes me think? Sure, some of your posts are just fluff about your life (all of my blog posts are) which are enjoyable, but then you write something that takes me a few days to wrap my brain around - and I love it - even if I don't agree with your perspective. It makes me consider what my perspective should/could/would be.

You are absolutely allowed to change your mind, share new ideas, etc., - that is the very thing that I look forward to in myself when I read your writing.

Heather said...

you are a beautiful writer and an honesty that makes your writing compelling. this post is no different.

i think you are selling yourself short. if we were close girlfriends and i was sitting at your table hashing through life as girlfriends do...i would tell you that it bothers me that you reached this level of understanding by reading words of people who clearly show you no compassion. if this clarity came to you through honest reflection and through reading your past posts, then great. but it seems forced if it came from reading hate...almost as if you are giving it to the nay sayers...

I have always enjoyed your blog, and even read a bit before your sisters accident. You have a way about you- trust yourself!

Alison said...

I am one of the readers that has often gotten annoyed by some of the opinionated and narcissistic posts. I don't know you, so why bother keep reading? But then I think of the post, "I think I'm falling in love with Ollie" and I know I HAVE to keep reading because occasionally there is that flash of genius again. And I don't want to miss it!

You are a gifted writer. Just be happy and enjoy your kids and your blessed life. The rest will come!

KroonFamily said...

I am shocked?! Really, there is a forum dedicated to tearing you apart. Your every post & thought with so many pages that you couldn't get through them all?! Ok wait a minute... just wait...

marissa said...

I love you, I love your writing. It has depth and vulnerability to it, and I am so thankful you step out of your comfort zone to write these posts, to write these stories. You're willing to show your imperfections and that is a brave, wonderful thing, especially in a society that seems to demand perfection. Thank you for putting yourself out there, and I hope you remember that you are loved, you are brave, and you (and I) are getting closer to perfection because of the introspection and thoughts that come from these posts. So keep writing, and keep breathing, and keep being the wonderful inspiration that you are.

KroonFamily said...

Yep, I googled it and found it and I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE MY EYES!!! I am so beyond shocked... These people have too much time on their hands. And Courtney, it is obvious that you are feeling vulnerable... and I believe that you were given personal revelation that this would be the case before "spring break"... writing the things you are writing is at times going to take you to a very scary, vulnerable place. Accept your panic attack as the way your MIND is trying to reign in your SPIRIT... PLAIN AND SIMPLE. Your mind is saying "What the heck are you doing?! This is dangerous to your reputation. You might offend, you might be TOO real, you might say something that is theologically off base and there will be consequences! Abort! ABORT!" Seriously, THIS is what is going on. The rest is your acceptance of the judgement of people who seem to have REALLY boring lives. PLEASE STOP ACCEPTING IT!!! They call it Narcissism because to call it anything else would mean that they have to admit that they have meaningless, boring lives that draw them to Chat Forums for hours on end to bash a stranger that brings so much joy to other people that they can't stand the meager existance of their own selfish lives. I can't say it enough... COURTNEY, THIS IS THEIR PROBLEM NOT YOURS. You have been given a beautiful, fruitful, exciting, passionate life. One that allows you to be front and center, one that has brought you a partner that enjoys bantering with you front and center, one that allows you to wear mumu's with confidence. Seriously, if you do anything for yourself today, just turn off the negative tape recording that is playing through your mind and plug in the gratefulness track. AND STOP LISTENING TO DETRACTORS WHO HAVE STUPID LITTLE LIVES!!!!

Jen Hoppie said...

Welcome back, sister!

Meridith said...

I don't remember the Equality post. Will have to go find it. I agree with Emily somebody, people can read your posts and say, that's her opinion, and I have my own. I wish we were friends. I really do. Cuz I like you! My husband thinks I am an angry person too... I don't think I'm angry all the time. I don't even think I'm angry 50% of the time. I just wish he didn't think I was angry. So I complain a lot, so what? Or maybe I don't, I'm just telling you about my day, because you asked....

Joanne said...

Courtney,

I have been a daily reader of your blog for just under 2 years. Your writing has changed my life. Your openness, honesty and integrity are inspiring. You've written posts that seemed as though you were writing directly to me. You write about things that I've been unable put into words.

I am not a Mormom but have really benefited personally from being exposed to it through you and your sister's blogs.

The internet is full of hate. It is sad that people hide behind a computer screen to say awful hateful things that they'd never have the balls to say to someone's face.

Please disregard the haters. Don't let them in while you're writing. Don't let them in ever.

I remember this from the General Conference from Dieter F. Uchtdorf & it's great advice to internet haters:

"Stop it."

"This topic of judging others could actually be taught in a two-word sermon. When it comes to hating, gossiping, ignoring, ridiculing, holding grudges, or wanting to cause harm, please apply the following:
Stop it!"

So please, keep on keeping on, because my days won't be the same without reading your blog with my morning coffee :)

PS....Time for a VLOG no?

Meaghan Smith said...

Court,
It's okay that you sometimes post stuff that people find offensive, and it's okay that you even go back and read it and are offended yourself. As a human, you retain the right to change and grow.

It's okay that you blog about yourself. How creepy would it be if you blogged about anyone else??

The readers that can't stand your blog because they have different opinions than you are the narcissists. If the only reason they are here is to see reflections of THEIR own lives, experiences THEY can relate to, ideas THEY share, opinions THEY agree with, THEY ARE THE NARCISSISTS.

I learn so much when I try to understand an idea, opinion or belief that is not one I had already thought of or necessarily agree with. Since when do we all have to be EXACTLY THE SAME. When I look around in the world, in nature, in God's creations I see DIVERSITY. In fact, our entire planet can not exist without it. If we all believed the same thing and felt the same way, if we were all the same our ecosystems, cultures, arts, ideas, identities would die.

I don't have to agree with what you write to love your blog. I don't have to be the same as you to love you. Ignorant people need to figure this out. Having siad that, I respect their prerogative to be ignorant. I need them too. They help me learn and understand what I don't want to be.

Love you.

momtherunner said...

Courtney,

I am also a first-time commenter after several years of reading your blog. Let me first say that I love your son's name! I have become accustomed to "The Chief," but I really, really like his name. It's very masculine and unique. Thanks for sharing it with us! And that small sentence pretty much sums up why I read your blog every single day. You share. Your experiences, your triumphs, your despair, your discoveries, your struggles, your thoughts, your fun personality and sense of humor, your worries, your perceived inadequacies, your view of your world, yourself. Thank you! You frequently brighten my day with your smile and and you've helped me to view my world through another's perspective. I consider myself blessed to have such an opportunity. Thank you!!

Noelle said...

I don't always agree with you, but you are a remarkably good writer, and I appreciate the sincerity and compassion with which you wrote this post. That's what keeps me reading. You and I, we have different jobs, different religions, different viewpoints, but you help me be a better person. And you continue to grow - I respect that about you. Be a proud feminist and mother and woman, you deserve it. xo Noelle

Mary P said...

You know, it's funny, but when you linked back to one of your 2009 posts yesterday, I read a bunch of them and rediscovered their magic. Really CJane, all of your writing is magical, it's that good. I understand that it can be more, and I understand that you'd want that.

I look back at the things I've thought, believed, and done in my past and am truly embarrassed. Why shouldn't you feel the same? Why should you be more accountable because you said it out loud. (Maybe you should? Who knows. Sometimes I want more explanation of what you say/think, but truthfully you owe us nothing)

Some people cannot understand different. To them, if someone is different it is an attack on their own choices. That is how emotional arguments begin. I don't agree with it, but maybe that makes me less understanding. Ha!

Also, I like that you're a little narcissistic. I remember one post where you said you are a Red and that people are always shocked. In truth, I only have a couple close Red friend, but one of them is one of my favorite people on the planet, and the others are awesome too. Reds are rare, and often misunderstood, and yes come off as narcissistic. I still love you all.

I think already covered this in your post, but don't betray the good you've done by regretting everything. Remember, you have magic.

Morgan Lee said...

Just remembered a quote from my teaching days that sort of applies here:

"Speak what you think today in hard words and tomorrow speak what tomorrow thinks in hard words again, though it contradict every thing you said today."

-Emerson

tara said...

Just as we arent the person we were 10 years ago we arent the same person we were yesterday. Our ideas, plans, thoughts change and thats how its supposed to be. We are all embarassed or regretful of things we have said or done. When we know better we do better. I have always enjoyed your writing.
You are in a unique position to be under a microscope. Sadly, people will think that because they think a thought it needs to be said. And im sorry that you were so hurt by them. I read some comments and felt hurt so i can only imagine what that felt like for you.
Dont delete and dont stop. I think what you are doing is wonderful and of tremendous value.

Angie said...

I actually loved the equality post. I think you're a great writer, and a good person, and a person who isn't afraid to express her opinions and thoughts and feelings about the world, which in turn helps other women who read it to define their own experience and perspective, thoughts, ideas and opinions. I don't think you've done anything wrong. I've always respected you for having opinions and stating them, even if I might disagree on something you've said. I'm not offended by it. I think you're wonderful, Courtney, and I hope you'll keep doing what you're doing. I think you've done more good than not. There are always going to be haters, anytime anyone puts themselves out there, people will disagree. (Prime example, your sister Steph has haters. STEPHANIE! THE ONE WHO ALMOST DIED IN A PLANE CRASH. If people can find things to hate about that whole situation, then they can find things to hate about anything.)

Just keep loving, keep writing, keep thinking, keep feeling, keep sharing and uplifting and enlightening and inspiring all of us. Your life has blessed mine and I'm sure countless others.

Wan Family said...

CJane, I think you are great. I just re-read the equality post and couldn't find anything wrong with it. Men and women are different. Should either sex be made to feel less valuable or to be dominated? No, but things will never be exactly equal.

I haven't agreed with all your opinions in all your posts, but the thing I like about you is that you give voice to things I have never said but always felt. Reading your blog has helped me to dig out those issues that are hidden but are making me an angry, bitter person. I don't want to be that person, so the sooner I confront those issues, the sooner I can move on.

I love the way you write, and the honesty behind it. I hope you will not give up or try to conform...that would be a waste.

i'm lindsey. said...

so glad God gives us just enough grace to get through each day..... one day at a time, just take it one day at a time.....and the beautiful thing is, we are all sinners in need of a savior, and so US, your readers must give you grace in moments like this! Keep writing, bearing your heart, opinions are tricky, and the topics you disect are tricky, but we read them with grace. while we come to you for insight, laughter, and stories......we go to our Father for wisdom. so, give yourself some grace, knowing we don't expect you to write perfectly. i LOVE your blog, and your confidence to write. have i agreed with everything? no! but that is OK!!! we can all discern what we'd like, and in the end, give you grace.

amanda said...

Excerpt from my journal- Feb. 16, 2012:

"Cjanerun.com written by Courntey Clark Kendrick is an amazing blog that has really blessed my life lately..."

and so forth.

Thanks for filling my lunch breaks with authentic thoughts and laughter.

I know you don't write to be loved, but because YOU LOVE.

Funky Kim said...

CJ, sugar, stop reading the hate aimed directly at you. It does no good for you.

And you were forgiven long ago by me. I try to forgive everyone their opinions because it really isn't that their opinions are incorrect. It's more I forgive myself because I disagree with other opinions.

I read your blog because I love how you write. And, as an added bonus, today I learned that the Chief has a real life name! Sometimes I will agree with you. Sometimes I won't. Sometimes you even cause me to think about something in a new way. I like those days!

Now pinky swear that you won't go read the hate any more!

Love you! Your favorite MoCa.

Jenna Anderson said...

I have always loved your blog. I love your wit and your sarcasm and your honesty. I don't think it's anything to apologize for. Though it is good to be able to look back and see growth. That's sort of the whole point of this earthly experience :) As women, we are each our own biggest critic. I am sorry for you panic attack-I know those are no fun. Keep being you. I think you are wonderful! I can't believe that people have enough time to have a forum that is used to criticize another person. Wow. How sad! Not once have I ever felt offended by a post of yours. Whether I agree with the posts I read or not (on any blog) I read because I enjoy seeing other's perspectives. If I simply don't like someone, I don't need to tear someone down in a forum somewhere, I just don't have to read what they write. You are an amazing woman and writer. I love your writing...because it makes me FEEL things and THINK about things. Thank you!

Miri said...

Thank you for realizing that equality and feminism have helped bring you where you are today. Without them, you would still be stuck in that marriage in which you were praying for safety. You would not have been allowed to go on a mission, or vote. And your writing might have been ignored.

You see, feminism is not about women who hate men and children. We just want to be treated fairly, and with dignity. At least, that is why I am a feminist. I realize it allowed me to get away from an adulterous husband. Feminism can mean a different thing for everyone.

Google third-wave feminism.

Unknown said...

Stop being so hard on yourself. We are put on this earth to live and learn. You are like a child actor - growing up in public. Your growth in this life is done publicly. I could never do it - you are brave to do so. If everyone thought the same way, wow, life would be boring. I didn't agree with your equality post but I liked reading a different perspective. I've always been a strong feminist. I am reading your sister's book and I loved the part where she told Christian what she wanted in life (to be a wife and mother). She was true to who she was. And while I may have not experienced it and don't totally get it - who am I to say it's wrong? I'm sad that you are questioning yourself - but to me it's your growing pains. And, at 43, I will tell you that my biggest growing time so far was my late 30's. I was not happy. I'm not sure why. But I learned, I grew and now I'm learning some more! Hugs to you. You add to my every day and I thank you for that.

Jenna said...

Lead the charge for more honesty. I want to be a blogger like you.

I have been making a lot of changes in my life regarding my thinking, and I have to fight not to feel defensive or ashamed about those changes and who I used to be. I have found as I said things out loud, that people responded with messages that confirmed the only one who doesn't want me to change and grow better is ME.

alyse said...

THIS quote really resonated with me from your post:

"I also believe that women don't need me spouting off about under-researched and overly romantic ideas about womanhood, they just need me to be SUPPORTIVE. I understood this so many years ago, but I've been tempted to form rigid opinions that have obscured my view of compassion. Women need my love, not patronizing posts questioning their intuition."

I've never felt personally offended by anything you've written, but I have thought that some of your posts (that might fall into this category) weren't as understanding of others' situations as they could be (like your posts about natural birth, etc.). I 100% agree that we all need to have compassion towards each other--which is why I think having arguments about natural vs. not birth or stay-at-home vs. working or WHATEVER is only harmful and causes misunderstandings. People do what they have to do, or what they think is best, and there's no WAY anyone else should judge them for their choices or make them feel guilty for what they do. Thanks for how you put this. And of course, you deserve compassion as much as your readers.

Miri said...

(Not the same Miri from a few comments earlier...)

I read that equality post a while ago, and decided I didn't want to read your blog because of it. In fact, I have a draft saved on my own blog right now in which I was writing a response to that post, because it bugged me so much, it stuck with me all this time. And I have to tell you now how much I admire your honesty. It was ridiculous to say that equality has never done anything for you, but the strength and courage required for this post far outweigh the shortsightedness of the old one. Thank you.

mindy m. said...

Sometimes you have wowed me and other times disappointed me but you are strong, brave and so talented. Keep going. It is a privile to watch you grow.

m~

Emily said...

c-jane, i love to read your blog, i only read a few blogs and i always come back to yours. I see a little of me in your writing. I have searched and thought about what I really think on issues you have brought forward. I appreciate your wit, you need to give yourself a break, there was only one perfect person in the world, one. And luckily his mission was to let us make mistakes and learn though his atonement. Even though we have never met, I feel like we are friends! I think because you really do care and are so compassionate you had that panic attack. I feel like maybe that is exactly what i have been experiencing this past few months after having my third baby, and having so much on my plate. Take care of yourself! XO EMILY

lindsay said...

As a reader I find you wonderfully HUMAN. Keep going Courtney! We're all in this together...

k wallace said...

bless your heart, cjane. i don't read your blog because i agree with everything you say. i read because you're a good writer reaching for your truth... and i like even better that your truth changes.

Aubrey said...

When I read the equality post, I assumed that you just meant that men and women are different. Which is totally true. We are different but equal partners in life. The world is trying to make us all the same, getting rid of sacred gender roles to which we are most well suited. But words can be interpreted many different ways. I'm still hoping for more clarification on your same-gender attraction post from a few days ago. I agree that we have to be careful about judging others, and compassionate about their struggles, but that doesn't mean that there are not eternal laws about right and wrong (which is what your last sentence seemed to insinuate). Anyway, I'll keep reading, you're very interesting and a great writer.

Jen Burns said...

Grace and Mercy. We all need it, every moment. Assume the best of people. Forgive perceived moments of fault and praise all moments of righteousness, and support everything in between. All of this life is to each a journey of sanctification.

Lana said...

This is your blog and you should be able to write whatever you feel like writing. If people are offended by what you say, they should not read. And the fact that there is an entire forum dedicated to analyzing your blog? I am embarrassed for those people...

Robert and Sherry Leal said...

You are a very confident person who speaks her mind, sometimes before her mind has had a chance to think it through. But that's okay, because it just reminds me of myself and that gives me perspective. I can read your posts and think, "That's an interesting perspective. She's a very intelligent person. Maybe she's right." But then I can think about it more and agree even more, or I can feel like I don't agree. But that doesn't make me stop reading. Then you post something like this and, again, give me perspective. Do you know how often I go through things like this? Except it's in my own head and sometimes my journal, not on a blog read by umpteen people across the world. Choosing to put yourself out there like that means, well, putting yourself out there for scrutiny. But it helps the rest of us say to ourselves, "I'm NOT the only one who goes through that." It gives us all a lesson in not judging others and loving everyone despite our differences and mistakes. And we do. Love you, I mean.

Sarah Willford said...

I like your writing. I, like many, may not always identify with what you are sharing, however, I appreciate your writing style and that you have an honest opinion. I find you funny. I don't think corrosive comments help anyone and am sad to hear that there is a website that has dedicated that purpose for you. I like that you have always admitted you have areas that need improvement and that you are trying. That should strike any accusation of arrogance down, but somehow those readers missed it. I think many woman, including myself, love to hear how you are being honest with yourself and trying to be better. There are plenty of blogs out there where perfection is the portrayed illusion and heaven forbid they have an uncreative/uncool day/week/year. I think those individuals inadvertently strike an arrogant cord. Don't stop your journey whether that includes a blog or not. You really have a lot of writing talent and I enjoy reading it.

Caroline said...

Dear Cjane.

I love you.

I've been reading your blog since 2009.

Please don't be too hard on yourself.

We have all share opinions, or half thought out opinions at one time or another that we later realized we didn't agree with.

It happens.

p.s. One afternoon--you made your way over to my blog (after I won one of your giveaways) and left a comment and compliment about it. I was so floored and flattered that it left me some sunshine beaming. And it gave me courage to blog.

Love grows. And boomerangs.

xo!

CSB said...

Has anyone linked to the equality post yet? Would love to read it.

Redrockcity said...

Someone said that you write with gusto, that is exactly right. Your writing is heartfelt, raw, beautiful and that is what keeps me coming back.

Tawnie said...

It's hormones. It's overloading yourself. Take a step back. You're young with a young family. Enjoy it. It won't last long. We love you and learn from you but life goes on. I really am just confused with this post. Did you realize you are arrogant and self centered and need to think of others? Or are you ashamed that you haven't been honest with your blogging? I've never read such honesty so I really am confused. I like reading your posts. I check in every day. Usually I agree, sometimes I am confused and wish we were close enough friends to sit down and talk about it. Because I'd love to hear. Take care!

soultosubstance said...

Half-assed...I guess I am now shooting for 1/8 -assed writing, if you think your writing is ever half-assed. You are good...and you show up here everyday to share yourself with us. That is really all that we require...along with more vlogging with Chup...miss that!

Becca said...

You are a daughter of your god, and imperfect, but that's OK. keep swimming and we will keep listening.

h.jo said...

totally kick-ass.

and i agree with some of the other commenters, give yourself a break. we women are so good at being too hard on ourselves.

CDR said...

You can express what you want. If the price becomes to high for you, then stop. I am sure as time passes, the angry forums will start fade. I empathize with your feelings,we will all experience disheartening times in our existence. I am sorry for you or anyone struggles. I had my share of hard days too, wether it is because I have little faith, I am sad at what I see when I take an introspective look, or because my life is difficult. Whatever the reason, I believe with every fiber of my being that I have purpose to be a good a person, and give myself away. It's also how I find myself again when I think I am lost. I love and live this quote "I believe the Savior is telling us that unless we lose ourselves in service to others, there is little purpose to our own lives. Those who live only for themselves eventually shrivel up and figuratively lose their lives, while those who lose themselves in service to others grow and flourish—and in effect save their lives.”-President Monson. What he says may not be for all people, at times to me, nothing feels or sounds of more truth. Despite the fact that I read your posts sometimes, and not agreed with your approach or comments should make little difference to people who catch the spirit of what you are saying. You should not forget that there are people who look to you for hope and as a friend. By opening your heart and mind, you have done good in the world. Perhaps after this experience, you will be able to open your heart and mind even wider now. Time will tell how this moment will shape your life. I pray it is a change you can smile about. I really do- I wish that for all. Good vibes are coming your way.

Vanessa said...

Yes listen to miss morgan & sue, don't ever look again. If it helped you once that is great. But you need to pinkie swear to not do it again.

Colleen said...

We are all self-centered. That's part of the human experience. You just happen to be more honest and forthright about that fact than most of us are. I have always loved people who are completely transparent, give me the good or give me the bad, just give me the truth. You are truthful and I admire that. Keep writing and don't let anyone scare you off. I feel sorry for people who spend their time badmouthing others. What a waste of energy. Don't listen to them, listen to your heart and listen to your husband. You are the two people in the world who know you best. Trust yourself and trust him and you won't go wrong.

s + b said...

I don't know which post you're referring to, I've visited your blog on and off for the past couple of years.

I just wanted to say that all of these readers who THINK they know you, don't. And that's probably one of the most frustrating things about existence, is that the more we share about ourselves, the more everyone thinks they know us soooo well.

You've shared a lot about your life, but we still have no clue what your life is REALLY like and we never will.

I didn't "get" your perplexity post, it kind of freaked me out, but I also don't know you. So I'm not going to get all emotional about it. And I'm not going to join a weird forum about how freaky it was (who has TIME to sit around forum-ing?!)

I hope you keep writing, I really like your birth stories and every now and then I read something that resonates with me about how I want to be.

Charity Suzuki said...

Dude, I don't know who those people were but man. To post in a forum? Seriously? They need to get a life. Nobody forces C-jane down their throat if they don't like you they should just stop reading. Easy peasy.

Isn't blogging inherently narcissistic? I have a blog too and some of my posts are just me throwing up my thoughts and others are things i think are funny, will make others think or laugh. But it's always about me. It's my blog.

You're a great writer, fun to read and interesting.

Don't beat yourself up. Everyone in the public eye has haters, even Jesus.

CMS said...

Courtney, I am glad to see this. I identify well with the conflicted person who is getting angry trying to fit a mold I want the world too think I occupy )andrescribed by the LDS church) when it's soooo not "all" I am.

I copied and pasted your post about birthing Erin at home with no midwife to my Feminist Mormon Housewife group on Facebook and said "she thinks she's not a feminist..." I'm glad you are ok with the term now. It's freeing. Beware though, BKPacker said the biggest problems with this world are homosexuals, feminists and intellectuals ;-)

As for me, I see those three groups saving the world more and more. Let's be friends, Courtney!

Annie said...

Dude it would seem you're trippin' a wee bit. Stay the heck off sites that attack you.

My grandmother was Christian Science and would often para-phrase Mary Baker Eddy and say,

"stand guard at the portal of your mind and take in only that which is valuable..."

You must protect yourself. And having said that I think you may be in the throws of postpartum depression.

Take Care. Love From Minneapolis!!

dot said...

Hey,

Thank you for this post. I am in the process of investigating the LDS church. But I'm also a feminist and was frankly scared by some of the things the church seems to set out on gender roles, on women. Your equality post worried me when I read it because I thought how could such a strong, clever woman not feel like equality was important to her. I thought maybe I wouldn't fit in this religion, that I was too unruly and defiant and feminist to my very core to be able to join.

But your post today and in the last few days has made me think that maybe you can be a faithful LDS member and still a feminist, and still not be homophobic, and still have the beliefs that I hold very very dear. I am still discerning but today for the first time I am actively thinking about going through with baptism. I feel really good about that. Thank you CJane :)

MammaO said...

One thing I will never understand about women (myself included). We are awesome, we have strengths, weaknesses, we nuture, we care, we raise children, and we are pretty uniformly TERRIBLE to our sister women. How is that? I will be WAY snarkier to a woman than a man. I will judge a woman's house, kids, food choices, clothes, all the while praying I can take the next woman who judges me. Somehow, when we left that biblical red tent all those years ago we forgot shared compassion and how to take care of our tribe. Brave you for calling yourself out on this. Hopefully, brave me the next time it comes up and I (hopefully, prayerfully) avoid attacking a fellow woman.

{{hugs}} and cheery from DC.

~Judy

Until such time... said...

Oh my goodness, girl! You're not even one of the narcissistic ones. I used to follow 4 blogs religiously until one by one I realized that 2 of those girls had no stories - only pictures of themselves. The other...she said something in one of your vlogs that I thought was smug, rude, self-righteous. I never could get over that.

I'm now down to 1 blog. Yours. Your writing is deep. I don't agree with everything you say but that's not what it's about. It's about depth and the way you put words together. Okay - and a little bit about some very beautiful children that I love to watch grow.

Thank you!

Mim said...

I have never commented before, but feel that I have to now.
Please - if you really feel you have erred - just forgive yourself and move on. We are none of us perfect, and if we dwell on - instead of learning from - our errors...we will all be having panic attacks.

You are a wonderful woman, lively, intelligent, passionate. Love yourself...and let the rest of it go

ltk said...

I always believed you were a feminist even though you denied it. that post did piss me off a bit but I lie to get stirred up now and then. You are brave, you are constantly questioning yourself, putting yourself out there, sharing yourself...you will make mistakes or have regrets about things but don't be too hard on yourself. You are sharing a lot.
Maybe this is not where your anger is coming from but I wanted to say that when my children were infants/babies/toddlers as much as I loved them and loved being their mother I felt angry a lot...not at them but I think it was the sleep deprivation, the inability to feel like I ever really did a good job at anything, maybe hormone fluctuations as well but give yourself a break...you have a lot on your plate.

Arika A. said...

Reading thru these comments has actually made me physically sick. I had to eat a cookie to make me feel better. Cjane I love your writing. I agree with 99% of what you write... the 1% is due to my strange ideas, not yours.

In all seriousness you're a beautiful writer. So please keep writing.

ps Don't be so hard on yourself. Haters gunna hate.

AzĂșcar said...

I love you, apology accepted.

I'm just relieved you haven't ever had to experience me making a mistake (testimony shaker!)

Forever and always

AzĂșcar said...

p.s. I hope I was the smug, rude, and self-righteous one in the vlog!

Carrot Jello said...

I think you should end this comment section with this video...
http://youtu.be/6ldAQ6Rh5ZI

whitneyingram said...

Wait, does this mean I have to apologize for all my stupid blog posts I have written in the past?

Crap.

karen gerstenberger said...

aJust sending love to you - that's it, just love.

SuiGeNeRiS Speaks said...

I love your posts specifically because they are imperfect and evolving....we are not 100% our authentic self all the time. Life is the constant reassessment of ourselves and our values, realigning to who we inherently know that we are.....to show all of this shows your honesty.

Tamsin North said...

This makes me so sad. Please don't apologize for being yourself, whoever that may be.

We may not always agree with what you have to say, but you always have the right to say it, and we should always treat you with the respect and kindness that all people deserve.

Jen said...

I read your blog because I want to...nobody makes me! I enjoy it, or I wouldn't take the time to check it out. Our lives are different, but I enjoy hearing about yours the way you write about it. There will always be "haters"!

Michelle said...

I've been reading your blog for a few years now, and I have never been disappointed. The only time I'm disappointed is when a few days go by and their is no post! I read your blog because you are honest, brave, and witty! I love it! Also, I'd like to point out that your recent posts have been amazingly written and So candid. Seriously, you rock girly! Have a great weekend!

Jessica said...

It's all a growing process, isn't it? I think it is important to keep these things we've read before, this history of not just what we've done, but who we've been. We need to see the changes over time. And I think it's important for our posterity to see those changes, too, because they have their own journeys to go on and they need to know we weren't always so good or kind of wise, but we still came out okay.

I love your blog. Even when I don't always understand the points you're trying to make or when I disagree with you or I am just being stupidly jealous over some of the amazing things you've been given the opportunity to do, I still love reading your blog.

Jessica said...

I meant to keep the things we've written before, not read. Duh. But I didn't trash it, in honor of the point I was trying to make. :)

melanie said...

This Canadian reader keeps coming back because of your writing and perspective. I do not agree with everything you say, but I love how you say it!
I agree with much of what you say and this post of your's is so vulnerable, you have me at tears.
Have you watched Brene Brown's Ted talk about vulnerability?
http://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_on_vulnerability.html
Peace,
Melanie

Emily Graves said...

Court, keep blogging and being you! You unfriended me a few weeks ago on FB. I thought I was being tongue-in-cheek and was horrified when I realized my intent was not clear. I have felt sad that you thought I was being ugly and mean. A teachable moment for me. Always remember, mistakes are what makes us evolve into the person we imagine we want to be. If not for you, I would have a very narrow view of being LDS. love you, Emily

LauraInSeattle said...

Just..."I LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE"....

julia said...

Courtney:
I stopped reading your blog for all of the reasons you listed. I didn't even know you posted this until I was skimming GOMI.
THis is a wonderful post, and reaffirms what I always thought about you prior to some of the weirdness as of late. I re-love you.

Thank you. I am now adding you back to my blog reader.

brainvomitbyjean said...

I think that people blog because it's cheaper than therapy.

I also think that everyone likes to write about what they know best. For most of us, that thing is ourselves. Honestly, I don't want you writing what you think I want to hear. If I wanted that, I would have my own blog. I want to read what you are thinking about. If, on that particular day, that happens to be you, well, so be it. It's not self-centered, narcissistic, or otherwise obnoxious. It's what you're feeling and thinking about at the time. (Pssst...part of being a feminist is being unapologetic about your thoughts, feelings, and opinions, provided they are not hurtful to others.) As for those other people who write things about your blogs in other places...well, pardonnez mon French, but eff 'em. Better yet, don't read them. It never ceases to astound me the people who think it is their God-given right to spew their negativity into the world, as though someone died and appointed them King of Judgementville. Those people's opinions are a reflection of them, not you.

Thank you for putting yourself out in the world.

I am LoW said...

That post didn't bother me at all... now there were those two posts... ;-)

I just keep thinking, from one middle child to another- you know how to get lots of attention (via comments) so surely you didn't mean what you said. Surely. :)

LH said...

I've got to say I appreciate your honesty. Apology accepted!
You keep it realer than real, sister. That means you make mistakes, you say things you regret, and we all do. Only you say it to a larger audience than most. And the best part of it all is that you're introspective enough to also express your doubts, apologize and ask for forgiveness. It's why I keep reading your blog (the good and not so good) while I've tired of other blogs.
You have opinions. You're genuine. You're passionate and compassionate. Your ideas are big but you still end up humble. From one imperfect soul to another, that's all I could ever ask.

Mom23Boys said...

Courtney...your blog and your wonderful view on life mean so much to me. You have helped me to grow as a person, and I am so grateful that you take the time to share your wisdom through your writing. I really appreciate your honesty and thoughtfulness. I don't feel that you need to ask for forgiveness. You are human, just like the rest of us, and are figuring out life as you go, just like the rest of us. No one should have to apologize for their being human. Sending love from Nebraska!

beautiful things said...

I was having a hard time relating to many of your posts. This I get. Way to be honest. I agree-women need to show each other compassion and support

Middle-aged Diva (Carol) said...

I am so confused. I've been reading your blog for a few years, and don't recognize any of the "failures" you are apologizing for.

Listen, CJ: take a tip from professional playwrights and don't read the reviews. Stay away from those forums. I'm reminded of the crude, but appropriate, saying "opinions are like buttholes; everyone has one." Don't take the critics to heart. I've been a writer my whole life and not every post of mine is a pearl of literary wisdom; I don't expect it to be. And a blog's about the blogger. I see nothing wrong with your expressions of yourself--I don't always agree, but they're you and I find them interesting and charming.

The bigger problem is the anxiety attacks, especially after you've taken a long break. It could be that digging back into your past has triggered buried emotion. I'm not sure why an anxiety attack would send you off to read attacks on your writing. If you ask me, and you haven't, but I'll tell you anyway: You need a longer break...take some time away from the life story and maybe even the blog. Or post casual stuff, family events on the blog for a couple weeks. Take some time to regroup, to take care yourself and those adorable kids. You may even want to see a doctor. Blessings to you and your family.
C.
www.middle-aged-diva.blogspot.com

iwent said...

I think the bigger problem is you're having trouble finding your voice again as a blogger after your surge in popularity.

You said It first, CJane was a blog about you finiding your enjoyment with infertility and flirting with your husband from different rooms. You got popular, CJane provo, CJane reviews happened, your family members nearly died in a terrible accident, you finally had children and then started to blog essays about things you thought people wanted to hear. Maybe not things you wanted to write about. I think CJane lost a bit of her voice recently.

People love you because you are CJane a wife, a mother, a fellow female who blogs about things in your life. But you became a "BLOGGER" writing long winded posts after lots of navel gazing.

I guess what im trying to say is focus on who you are as a woman, wife, mother, sister not as a blogger becuase that's what we want to read.

Anicki said...

You're a golden woman and a beautiful writer. Please don't ever stop.

Elizabeth said...

As a very liberal writer and mother to three children, one of whom has severe disabilities, I seemingly have very little in common with you. However, I've been quietly reading for many years -- for entertainment, for wisdom, for a different take on life, for style, for laughs. I have always found those who denigrate through comments tedious, wondering what, exactly, they do in their lives that affords them the time and energy to act low and mean. I hope you'll disregard all of that and continue to honestly think and record here -- blessings to you, C Jane.

Harriet said...

Dear Courtney (may I call you Courtney?-- C.Jane, etc)

I disagree with you. You did not "give up" on equality. You merely stated that you believed "Male and female will never be equal.

And,

I (me, personally, c jane as of right now, in my life) wouldn't want it any other way."

Those two statements are not dismissing of equality... they are simply stating that the ideal of "equality" is not fully REAL yet.

I think people misunderstand statements that are made on blogs... they are not statements declaring that we will be/act/respond one way or another for the rest of our lives. Rather, they are reflections of what we feel at the moment. And any woman that declares that she's never felt disappointed in the notion of being equal, or doing things in a "fair" way, or the idea of "equality," is a liar. We're all disappointed, at some point or another, about the degree of which "equality" is or is not present in our lives.

Mostly, my point is this: blogs help us grow-- they help us look back at who we were two weeks, or two months, or two years ago, and to decide whether or not we'd like to continue living that way. No-one should make you feel bad for working out your feelings via writing... and working through the complications is what ultimately makes us better people.

Thanks for writing. <3

First Mate said...

Dear CJane,

I am 55, and I know for certain that there are things I said at 25, 35, 45, heck even 5 months ago that I am not proud of. Things I said without thought, without compassion, but with the emotion of the moment ( in motherhood that comes with the territory). Do I regret what I said? Perhaps some things, but for the most part no, because I was speaking with reflection of my life at that moment. Do I agree with everything I said at 35 ? Goodness no! Life has taught me many lessons since then - lessons that have made me more "me", and hopefully a better me.
This is how we grow, through mis-steps and reflection. While the rest of us are doing so in the anonymity of our day to day lives, through your blog you are growing "out loud." Quite a brave thing to do, and I, for one, am happy to watch and read as you unfold.

Koby said...

There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed. ~Ernest Hemingway

Authors who never give you something to disagree with never give you anything to think about.

~Michael LaRocca

To write something, you have to risk making a fool of yourself.~ Anne Rice


Asking a writer what he thinks about criticism is like asking a lamppost what it feels about dogs.~ John Osborne

I write a blog too... I wish that it was loved so much it was sometimes hated.

princepom*a*poo said...

Well, there's nothing more that needs to be said than what others have already said, but I'm going to comment anyway, because we all like to be heard! : )
I am a recent fan of yours- "discovered" you as a result of "discovering" your sister Stephanie via the Parade article a few weeks ago, and since then, have spent more time online than I probably should've, catching up on both your lives! : )
So, here's what I think: (since it's worth a penny)1. You're being too hard on yourself. That's only one of the billion aspects of being a woman- we are our own worst critics, and are always reexaming our thoughts and feelings, trying to figure out what makes us tick and why. 2. None of us are perfect, and of course not everybody's going to agree with everything you say, even all of us who support you, don't agree with 100% of every word you write. We are just able to accept that, take what we do agree with, and go on with life! 3. Don't go to those forums. Seriously, people have nothing better to do? Like my mom would say, "They're probably just jealous of you." After all, what ordinary, everyday woman like us wouldn't love to have a huge fan base addicted to our writing? (Even those who supposedly hate you- they're taking the time to read all your posts so they can get on their forums about you and hash it out!)4. In the end, you have to like yourself. If you're going to change anything, do it for God, yourself and your family, and don't worry about the rest of us!
Thank you for always giving me things to ponder- I'm sure it's good for my brain. : )

princepom*a*poo said...

P.S. Yours & Stephanie's blogs are the only ones I've ever been interested in following! And I feel I should explain my blog identity- I created it when I was dogsitting for my mom. I really am a normal, 38 yr. old Christian wife and mom of three. : )

colleendown said...

I have not been here for a while but this post is one I obviously needed to read. Being a writer is a journey and we have all done what you have. It is only a journey forward and you have shown us how to change with dignity and grace--you put into words what so many of us feel. (Now I need to go write an apology of my own, thanks for giving me the inspiration!)

kshannoka said...

Wow girl, I love reading your posts. I admire you for your honesty. I'm glad you post what you do - please continue to do so. I will continue to return.

Unknown said...

Courtney, I've been a reader of your blog for some time, and although we lead very different lives and hold quite different world views, I have always respected and enjoyed the courage and creativity you bring to your writing. It's called freedom of expression, and whether your ideas are in process or fully formed, you have a right to express them. Of course your thoughts and views will evolve over time, as they do for all of us. The only difference is that you're evolving in the public view, while most of us do so in private. As for the anonymous online commentators, I find they so often attack the person, rather than engaging in the kind of honest, spirited and compassionate discourse that you provide.

Chad and Clair said...

There is already so many comments that will lift your spirits, I am sure, but I thought I would add one more. I actually really enjoyed your equality post. I just went back and read it again and I didn't get an ounce of judgement from it, nor do I think it needed an apology. I actually feel the same way you did in that post. Heavenly Father made men and women different for a reason. While we should always be supportive of one another I don't think we should always strive to be the same or equal. Thank you for the wonderful posts you put together every week. Don't worry about the people who get offended. Most likely they will be offended by every little thing in their lives.

Lisa said...

you are obviously hormonal. take a step back, quit writing, and live in the moment with your family until you are inspired to return. if there is one thing i know, it is that you shouldn't trust ANY feelings while you are having a panic/anxiety attack or if you are in the throws of a dark slump. those feelings are not from God. i think you'll actually end up regretting THIS posting at some point. best wishes.

mylifeasiknowit said...

after years of reading your blog every day, have you as my friend on facebook and tweet to you now and then, I finally feel like I know you.
I did stop reading your blog after the equality post, I did unfriend you and sopped following you on twitter... I was SO MAD at you, because I knew you couldn't really mean everything you said... and then I missed you, reading about you and your family and getting inspired by you.. so I came back to reading and following hoping some day you would write something like this.
cheers from Argentina and a big big hug with lots of support! you-can-do-it

Bass Family said...

You seem angry lots in your recent posts, and it seems like anger was a big factor in your life. Why are you so angry? Maybe it isn't that you haven't been being honest, maybe it is that you are too angry to see what you really feel. Anger is a two edged sword that cuts the wielder more than the recipient.

Lois said...

I'll admit it, you're often not my cup of tea and that's why I stopped reading you (In full disclosure, I also find my own self-absorption nauseating, so I stopped reading my own blog). I didn't form a little hate group to belittle you, I don't discuss it in forums, I just stopped reading.

I didn't read again until my husband said you had posted something about your middle school (the same middle school our daughter goes to -- though I'm still not convinced you went to Dixon, wasn't Farrer around back then?).

Anyway, so sorry to hear that there's so many people with no lives out there who feel compelled to tear you down.

Now I'll go back to not reading (and keeping my opinions to myself).

Ashley said...

THIS is the best post i've ever read of yours. Well done. Reality is scary but so worth it.

Kristi said...

Wow.

Have you ever considered kicking this blog to the curb? Something that is causing you to have panic attacks just doesn't seem worth it.

I'm not suggesting you stop writing but maybe just take some time away from this venue.

P.S. I knew all along that you were a feminist!

Angela said...

I don't have a problem with reading posts with different ideas or opinions than my own, but I almost stopped reading because your recent posts have been so negative and judgmental.

Thank you, thank you for taking the time to acknowledge that to your readers, and to apologize. I really appreciate it. You are human, and you are loved and forgiven. You are a great writer and mother, and very brave to put yourself out here on the internet where anyone can judge you.

I think you you are at your best when you write about what you love, and when you tell stories rather than write essays. Be true to yourself and you'll find your way.

Heidi said...

I second what Cora B said. You really have no idea the peace and happiness I've found. I read you and I wish you could experience it too. That aside, I really like you. I don't care for all of the stuff you write, but you as a person or what you are portraying on your blog and facebook, I find very likable. Fallible, but likable. In a lot of ways I find you as a kindred spirit. I keep coming back to check in on you don't I? You're just a person though, not anything more. Those people that are venting about you are just people too. Now I feel compelled to belt out some Streisand...

Monica said...

You are brave. You are brave and honest and good. I so admire the way you have of really knowing yourself. I wish I knew myself so well.

I'm sending you a hug across the miles, and I hope your heart feels better tonight.

summer said...

My dear you are simply wonderful. I am never offended by your posted even if I do not agree. You are not blogging to tell people what to do, so why should if offend? You are just writing your thoughts, and they are interesting and honest. Breathe through the panic attacks and remember all of us that love you just the way you are

mamamia said...

I smell the all too familiar feelings of unbalanced brain chemicals and unbalanced hormones. I feel you may be seeing through the lens of both of the above.Especially after #3 baby, The whole unbalanced mind and body have now accumulated to an all time high. Depression and panic attacks are symptoms of these conditions. Absolutely nothing to do with your wonderfully honest writings, It's those voices in your head that are lying to you about your identity that come from depression. Unbalanced brain chemicals and hormones cannot be prayed away.

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